thankyouforthesuggestionsandmylongparagraphoftelling

queenmaria · thankyouforthesuggestionsandmylongparagraphoftelling

thanks for the alternitives (not ready for the sex part). you people are the first people ive told that i cut. well i havent but now you know. nobody has noticed yet. i dread pe becuase then my arms are exposed and any one could see the cuts. but nobody does. the conversations i have in my head tell me what i would say, although one does not fall and get scratched in the form of words. i cut because its the thing i can control and it seems to numb everything. ive tried to not to but ,like it was said, i keep on coming back to it. it lets me relize that im not fake im real. sometimes i play music (almost) full blast with bass turned up. but that doesnt always help. its really hard to look at the cuts afterward and see that ive done that. i really want someone to notice and take the razors, but i dont because then i have nothing to stop the pain. it never equals the pain i feel in side. i guess people dont expect me to cut goodness no not after she handled the divorce so well maria shes so easy going. i act however im not feeling so when i act all narrsistic im really hating myself. happy means sad. thank you for letting me vent. it helps to write it down. now if i dont erase all this im going to ask a final question. how would i tell somebody? my best friend moved last summer and i thought of telling her in a letter but then i was afriad shed tell someone.

Kaytee576 · Well Done For opening up.

Hey sweetie, I am so glad to see you found the confidence to post on here and Im glad you found us for now you have taken the first step forward to getting better you have shared it with someone.
Though you don't actually know us we want to help and it will help you to get it off yor chest.

I understand your fear in P.E But I wonder to myself how many other kids are in that room and covering up for the exact same reason.
PLEASE remember you are not alone, I remember several of my friends used to cut, You are NOT a bad person and It is nothing to be ashamed of.

The first step is realising you have a problem. Im sure you know now and coming forward on here shows you want to do something about it.
When you say it is hard to see the cuts afterwards, Shows you want to stop but you just need the support and I know you will get there.

You have said you don't want people to know but what are you afraid they will do? (im talking about family) Sorry to ask but I just wondered what you "Fear" about people knowing, I do not know how your relationship is with your family so it is hard for me to really say, But is there someone you can trust? a cousin? Sister? How close are you to your friend? is she the type to keep a secret if asked to?

I REALLY feel you need someone near to you to sit down and just spill to.
DONT BE ASHAMED No one will judge you Im sure who ever you tell will just want to help you.

Did you read the little article I put on here? the website is helpful.
Have you tried to replace the cutting? God I know it will never be that easy but worth a try.

Do you have councillors where you are? maybe if you feel you cant share this with those close to you that maybe you could with councillor? They are there to help and everything you tell them is confidential. I have seen many and they have been a big help and it might make you to talk about the feelings inside of you and to talk to someone about the divorce. I guess from what you say you kept your feelings in and tried to be the strong one but people will understand of course it upset you too and there is nothing wrong in showing that.

Well I hope I was able to help in some small way. WELL DONE for not deleting the post and for opening up,
Kaytee576 Admin xxx

Angels-quest · Hey maria

Hey Girl,
Firstly thank you so much, it really is an honour that you feel you can share something like that with us.....and it is a step in the right direction, you opened up.
Right now, I just wanna reach out & give you a hug, but you'd probaby hate that, it's just I feel for you, because we all feel pain & it comes out in many different ways....and God it is so hard to live with.

Not the same as you at all...but i suffered a breakdown after years of mental torture.Because I had my own place...it came out in an obsession with housework. Sounds nothing huh? But mentally it was torture, i couldn't sit for even a minute...it's like i was being told there is dust behind the washing machine....it wouldn't stop until i had dragged the darn thing out & scrubbed every darn inch behind it. Doing that would release my anxiety.If someone told me I couldn't drag the machine out to clean behind it, well i felt my whole world would collapse...so I'd do it all snaeky when they were not about. I'd feel better for the minute after I'd done whatever it was, but then there would be something else....My mind would never rest.I spoke to my Doctor about it, he said it's because everything else in my life is out of my control...but the housework I CAN Control, so thats why it became a crutch to me.
So in that sense, I understand that pulling need, then the guilt & anger that follows because you let this obsession kinda beat you....but it makes you feel more in control to do it again & so the deadly cycle goes on.

When did you notice this start, when your parents divorced? Yes you are dead right, it's because you couldn't control what was happening around you...but cutting you could. Did you blame yourself for the divorce at all? Sorry to ask, just trying to understand the whole bigger picture. If you dont want o answer anything I ask, that's totally fine!

I think you want people to notice, because sometimes amongst it all, you can feel quite invisible.I know I have often felt that, even standing in a crowd of people, you can feel the loneliest ever.
But like you say, then it's the fear of the person that finds out,will then stop you from doing the one thing you can control.
I get that, because I was the same. If someone put their foot down & said you are going to sit down & not move for 15minutes...I hated it, I hated them...I felt so mixed up, i was being told to do the things i obsessed about in my head..but then someone was telling me to stop & I didn't want too, as it was my way of controlling my feelings, what would happen without that?!

But, i will say gradually as difficult as it was...the fear subsided a little, may only of been for 10minutes out of my day, but it was a start. Eventually i managed to take back control in a different way...now i realise the housework controlled me, not the other way around. Sometimes it still does, but not to the same degree. But it took a heck of a long while & someone understanding to reassure my fears.

Do you have that someone you can trust? Or do you feel you would be letting them down by telling them? Are you close to your Mom?

See, if I was a Mom, I think I would rather hear it from my daughter..than maybe it slips out from a friend or someone you did confide in.But of course all this depends on how good your relationship is with your Mom. I personally would have such respect for you (if you were my Daughter) for being able to tell me, that that would over ride any other feelings i might have.
If you do have a good relationship with your Mom, could you maybe play her one of the songs that you relate too & say "Mom I really need you to listen to this, because it say's it better than I can..I'm hurting & I need to talk to you"

You can get through this Maria, I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment, but if people love you enough, nothing you could do or say could ever make them ashamed of you.You need to be able to be you. As you say, really you are putting on a happy front, when inside you are sad.You need to be noticed & taken seriously, for 13 you are well clued up & your parents should be proud of you. but it doesn't make you weak, or make them love you less because you do need someone to lean on, to share your fears with. We all need that, no matter how old we get.

I think you are amazing for what it's worth. please stay with us & remember we are always here.

Hugs to you.

queenmaria

I'm afraid to tell my family or my friends because I think then they might not like me anymore. That then I'd have that label 'cutter'.
I was close to my friend and when she moved we emailed and IMed each other all the time. She got in trouble and her email was taken away and we havent been in touch too much.
I know I could tell my brother. He'd never tell anyone but I'm not sure he'd understand.
I liked the article kaytee it was helpful to know I'm not crazy. I have pulled out my long hidden supply of stuffed animals to throw and scream into and tear into pieces. I am going to get rid of the razors right now. Not sure where to put them but I'll find somewhere. Ok done that.
I write on myself all the time. I keep a mini diary on my hands , saying how I feel, lines from songs, and pictures.
I built up a fake person so I could hide how I was feeling. It's like clay. I took peices from people I knew and added them to the statue I was building. But I added too much and it started to break and crack around me. I hope that made sense.
I'm not sure what to say if I told anyone. Sometimes my mom appears so oblivious to me that I think that if I waved my arms in her face she'd just tell me to stop making a pest of myself. I think she'd understand but I dont want to hurt her.
I started, well at first I was just scratching how I felt and jabbing at myself with a safety pin. That was last year. It was two years ago they divorced. I'm not so hurt about that as much any more. It's the constant fighting that is hardest now.

detoam

I don't wanna sound like a shrink, but I do suggest talking to Your mom. As a parent I know first hand how good it feels knowing that my kids trust me enough to come and tell me their troubles. From what You say I gather that Your mom is very understanding.
Also I want You to know that their divorce is sure as hell not Your fault.

Kaytee576 · hey hunnie.

So great to hear from you again.
In the first part of your reply you said you are afraid to tell your family and friends as they may not like you anymore, But I strongly feel that your Family must love you and therefore will want to anything in their power to protect you and help you.

I think it is a positive thing that you considered telling your brother, How old is he if you don't mind me asking? If he is a older brother I'm sure he will understand, But I think the thing that is holding you back too is not knowing what to say..But that is something that cannot really be planned, Don't panic and run it through your mind over and over as this will just panic you more, when the time comes, you will find that you do not need plans as you will open up and let yourself go.

You said your mom often seems quite oblivious to you and In a way she has probably made you feel invisible, But at the end of the day you are her child and Im sure she loves you very much, When she acts like you are not there Please do not take it that she doesn't love you, She maybe preoccupied with work, And things she is doing so everything else just kind of blends into the background Im sure she probably doesn't realise she is being this way.

Who ever you choose to talk to please remember you are NOT a bad person, you have nothing to be ashamed of, Everybody deals with stuff differently, Some people turn to alcohol when they cant cope, others smoke, people turn violent, others take drugs there are millions of ways people turn in order to try and cope but most of those people are NOT bad they are just trying to find away to ease the pain inside, What you do is your own way of easing your pain but now you have realised that it isn't the best way to deal with your feelings and you want to change and that is a giant step to recovery.

You are one amazing girl.......

"I built up a fake person so I could hide how I was feeling. It's like clay. I took pieces from people I knew and added them to the statue I was building. But I added too much and it started to break and crack around me."

Now look at those words such maturity in what you write, From what I know about your so far you are intelligent and wise and If I were your mother I would be proud.

Now Is the time to take a look at that clay statue, It is time to take it out of the darkness and set it free into the sunlight let the pieces crumble and stand back with your head held high and be proud to be you.
Why should you pretend for the sake of others around you? you are a human being with feelings and it is time to BE YOU.
(hopefully I didn't just totally miss understand what you meant about the statue

)

You said "I am going to get rid of the razors right now. Not sure where to put them but I'll find somewhere. OK done that."

WOW well done you! Just look at the progress you have made.
Yesterday you spoke to us and told us on here what you had never dared to tell anyone before and today you found the courage within you to get rid of the razors, Im SO PROUD of you, I hope that you will find the strength in you soon to throw them away but DO not rush you have come on so well and I know you will get through this.

Please be strong for me, We can not tell you what to do regarding speaking to your mom as we do not know her, Or how your relationship is with her (whether you are close) But I know that when the day comes that you find someone to confide in about this, You will feel like the weight on your chest has been lifted and from there you can make even more steps towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care sweetie,
Kaytee576 PS. The diary, Teddy's all will help you, Have you tried to put your feelings into a poem? it really helped me in the past. xxx

Angels-quest · believe in yourself, you are amazing :)

Oh Maria,
firstly I AM sending you that big hug,wow, i'm so proud of you...you truly rock!

Firstly you have taken such a huge & brave step already, just by telling us how you feel. Did we make you feel bad? I hope not....so if we can understand & hear you....then others close to you will do the same Darlin.

Your Mom has got a little too wrapped up in her own problems I think, and I dont mean that badly. It's just that is why she hasn't noticed your pain.You know what, i think once she realises what you have been going through, it might put things into perspective for her...she will realise that argueing all the time, is not the way to go. So in a way, and i know it sounds strange, but you might kinda be helping your parents, because they will realise just how damaging fighting is.

Kaytee is right, you sound way beyond your years...and I would be dead proud if you were my Daughter. You have such guts & courage and that is something to be admired.

You are a good person, you must believe in that...because its the vibe i get from you. For 13 I'd say you are pretty damn amazing, truly...I dont know any other 13yr olds with your strength & courage. You may feel weak, or that you have let people down..but YOU HAVEN'T in anyway.
We all have done things that maybe we shoudn't of in our lives, even as an adult we do daft things...it is how we learn. You were/are going through so very much & you were hurting,no one noticed, so you needed an outlet...a way to vent. it does not make you bad, it makes you normal.
None of us get a guide book on how to be a human being....you are allowed to mess up sometimes...hey, it's part of the rules!! (at least in my guide book LOL)

If you are afraid to tell your friends, then dont right now. just tell whomever you are comfortable with telling. I remember school years well, and how fickle friends would be....I think we all have learn't that in our time at school, iI was off sick once, by the time I got back to school my 'best Friend' had found herself another best friend!! Kids are cruel at times, and you dont have to do anything to make them that way. As I said I was just off sick & that cost me my friendship. But i now realise that my friend then wasn't a true friend afterall, because a true friend will stick by you, no matter what.
As you go through life you sadly will encounter 'friends' that will let you down for the stupidest reasons. I think of these as a part of lifes lesson, because i think people sometimes come into your life & do not stay very long, or may hurt you....but i believe now it's because we have served our purpose. that temporary friend, needed something from us, we helped them & they moved on. So in a little way it's like you are helping each of these friends as they pass through,by giving something of ourselves along the way. It doesn't hurt so much to see it that way.
Ok, I veered off....
If your friends are truly woth their salt, then they will understand what you are going through & be there for you no matter what. But at the moment, i would just stick to who you feel comfortable in telling.
They will still like you darlin. As i said, if these people are worth anything...then they would totally understand, if they didn't...then they are not worthy of your friendship.
Thats why I say, just concentrate on those really close to you at the moment.

As for your family, they will still like you darlin....even if they do not always show it, they LOVE you and would want to be there for you. You might find out just how families really stick together when needed & how important you really are.
Your Mom needs to know how you feel, as i said she has got so caught up in whats going on...she is missing what really is important...and that's you!
You wont hurt her sweetie, She may feel a little sad with herself (NOT at YOU, at herself) for not being there...but that is NOT a bad thing...because sometimes we all need a kick up the behind so to speak, to realise that other things are important. Thats why I said you may actually be helping your parents.
When someone very close to me(a family member) told me they were taking drugs once...I didn't get mad with them, all I wanted to do was help them get out of the place they were in...I wanted to help them in the best way I could. if anything it made our relationship stronger, because i knew it took a lot of courage & trust to tell me. We are so much closer now because of it.
You Mom will be so honoured that you trusted her enough to go to her. Of course she will worry about you, but then that's what Moms are supposed to do! But I am so sure that you will think afterwards "I'm so glad to finally be able to tell her, and why was i worrying"...i say that because often its the unknown, that causes us the most fear. It's the fear of telling someone & not knowing how they will react...but once it's all been blurted out, you will think how much the worrying about telling was far worse than the actual telling her!
As for your Brother, if he is older & as wise as you...then you could start there by telling him. but if he doesn't understand it too well...it may be better in the long run to go to your Mom. But at the end of the day sweetheart, it's what ever feels better for you.
Oh, and anyone worthy of having YOU in their life, would never label you a Cutter....no more than folk would greet your mom with 'Hi Divorcee'...do you get what I mean? labels are very unfair & only used by stupid people that know no better. I am sure no-one around you would do that, because you are not just a label at all....you are Maria a wonderful person & free spirit. No-one should ever tell you otherwise.
I am sure though that nobody would do that to you. You will find that anyone you tell will just want to reach out & make it all better...and for once Darlin let it be about YOU. YOU ARE IMPORTANT, your fears & worries are completely valid & real...take sometime for yourself. It's good to worry about other people, but you are just 13 (although you sound so much older!!)so dont be worrying about what other people may feel, worry about yourself, just this once.
I am so sure your Mom will be there for you, and it may make alot more sense to her why you may of said certain things, or acted in ways at the time she didn't understand.So again that will help her understand you a whole lot more,
if you cant talk, play her a song, let her read something you have written (that you dont mind sharing).

It's great that you keep a diary...you need somewhere to put your feelings into. What about getting a little lockable box? that way if things are bothering you, or upsetting you...write them down on a bit of paper & lock them away in the box, that way you can think to yourself " I'm not dealing with that today, I shall lock it away until i feel able too". think of that little box in your mind, and put something in it that is bothering you..I'd do that when i was obsessing all the time over chores.
Write on some toilet roll your feelings, then watch it flush away. All these things can help, and it helps just to write anyway.

Lastly in answer to what you said...NO YOU ARE SO NOT CRAZY. See, i thought i was crazy when i had a mental breakdown...someone said to me that if i was really crazy, i wouldn't even know it to be able to say "Am I crazy"...because i'd be oblivious in my own crazy world! It's true.
You are far, far from crazy. You were/are trying to deal with so much at home, let alone what you have going on at school. You know I always said i would never ever go back to my teen years, because in alot of ways they are the toughest times of your life.So you have major things going on all around you, no-one to tell, no-one to listen...so it's going to come out somewhere/ somehow. Like Kaytee said, thats why so many people take up smoking,drugs, drinking...it's to block out the pain & fears. So many people are going through very similar things to you Darlin, so you are not alone & just maybe a young girl reading your posts, will realise the same thing you did, that she is not crazy.

Sorry to go on...I am sooooo proud of you. What you did with getting rid of the razors......was a fantastic, brave & very huge step. You should be so, so proud of yourself.I was more thrilled than you can ever imagine to read that in your post, so imagine how your Mom will feel...I mean we have only known you for days & we mean it when we say we are proud of you. Even if you took a step backwards, we'd still be here for you. It's not easy for you & we are all behind you every step of the way. We will support you whatever.

Please let us know how you are doing... i guess we have become quite protective over you.......because you have a big heart & you do not realise what a wonderful person you are. I am proud to know you & honoured that you can share your story with us.

Go Girl......remember, we are reaching out to you, whenever you feel alone..just remember we are right there with you in our hearts & minds.We will walk by your side.

Big hugs to you & remember you are a special person, and you have come such a long way.

Laff Agent

Hi Maria-

Listening to your story is like going back in time a few years for me. My two girls both were hurt by the fighting between their mother and I. Like your parents, we got divorced. And like you, both of my girls hurt themselves. I can't say the word cut out loud, it's hard enough to type it. In just the little bit you wrote, you remind me so much of my Jordan it's scary. There is so much I could tell you, but I just want you to know three things for now.

1) You're not responsible for any problems your parents may have. Not one iota are you responsible. You could not have caused their divorce if you wanted to, and you couldn't have stopped it either.

2) You're not the only one who feels like you do and you're not the only one who has hurt herself. There are a lot of people out there who understand, because they've felt and done the same things. Your mom loves you, even though she's oblivious sometimes. If you want to talk to her, do it. Don't worry that it might hurt her to know what you're feeling, it will hurt her. It will hurt her because she loves you and she will see how much pain you're in, but that's OK. She'll be OK.

3) You'll be OK too Maria. Remember I said hearing you was like going back in the past a few years? Imagine what I tell you is like you looking forward a few years. You'll get better, my girls did so I know that you will too. They are 16 and 20 now and it's been a long time since they've hurt themselves. Jordan now is really aware of her friends and girls she knows from school, she recoginizes things and reaches out to other girls who are hurting themselves. That's part of how I know that you're not alone, there are a lot of girls with those feelings. My Jordan worked through it, figured out other ways to deal with the pain, and ways to make the pain lessen. You remind me so much of her a few years ago. You're a really sensitive, smart, caring young lady. You are definitely not crazy.

I have another idea for how you might talk to your mom, let me know when you're ready to think about that, OK?

-Colin

Angels-quest

It's really nice to get a Dads point of view, thanks for that Laff Agent, some really great advice there.

I'm so glad your girls have worked through thier problems, and had some good support around them.
It's so nice to hear of a happy ending

queenmaria

i hate my self. i said i wouldnt cut and now i do and i cant even do anything. if i try to talk i fight . if i can fly away i will and i will land in place where people love you and dont care but in a good way. i tried talking to my mom and i fought. i tried with my friends and they dont belive me because i joke to much. i have 2 parts. one surrounds herself with friends and one pushes them away. one cuts and one is funny. my friends like the nice one. i like her too. but the more im one the more im the other until it feels im going to explode and the only way to pop is to let some out. i tried pens and stuff but then people try to read my hands and if they see anything they say ' ha ha emo. your not the only one in the world. do you cut?' i screamed 'yes!!!' and they just say 'thats maria always joking. omg did you what morgan was wearing, doesnt she relize how ugly she is?' at an assembly today we had to fill out a survey. you checked boxes to see how strong your web was. webs were the support you got so you didnt do drugs. i checked a few boxes. i looked at my friend. she checked away happily. i looked at my other friend and she did the same. i looked down at mine and checked 2 more. now i had 11. later people talked about many they got. 27, 29, 26. i just shrugged my shoulders. cant hold on to me wonder whats wrong with me- evanescence. maybe i am emo. i have the music,clothes, attitude. my brother is 13 too, were twins. please tell me how not to fight, laf. i managed to not cut for two days but then i collapsed and now im mad at myself. before i wanted to sleep so i cant feel. now i dont want to because then i wake up. im sorry i slipped down again. but everything feels wrong. i keep comparing myself to my friends. i see their happy families and i wish i was them. my mom said shed never moveout, and then never divorce, and then not move even farther. but she did. a couple closer friends sort of notice im different. ask me when this punk stage will end and to cheer up no one died. i feel selfish because i only think of me and people are off so much worse. i would of wrote this in diary i found but i broke my pencils.

Angels-quest

Oh sweetheart,

It wasn't going to happen over night..lovely if it could...but in real life, we know it's not going to happen that way. You didn't let us down, we are here for you. We understand.

hang on lets just post this, and that way you know we are here...and i'll then carry on. Stay with us darlin. xx

Kaytee576

Maria PLEASE firstly DO NOT hate yourself, You did REALLY well to get through two days and you should be proud of getting through those hours I know it must have been really hard for you.
When you say you tried talking to your mum and you fought what do you mean? Do you mean you just couldn't do it? (sorry it is late here!) At least you thought about telling her that is a step in itself,

PLEASE do not be hard on yourself we all slip up sometimes, I tried to quit smoking went a day then had a cigarette, I know it is slightly different but I felt guilty and like I had let myself down but then I realized how well I did and realized I was strong to have gone that long with out and I knew that next time it maybe wouldn't be so hard and I could go for longer.
You did really well and really shouldn't be mad at yourself, you are going through a tough time and you are trying to cope.

I know what you mean about your friends, when you are with them you probably become someone else and you hide away, then as you have been hurt in the past when someone trys to get close to you, you push them away, that is only natural it is your body's way of protecting itself.

I am sorry to hear about your friends reaction to the writing on your hands, Kids are cruel and they often do now think about how their reactions will effect others,
Then for them to feel you are only joking...Im so sorry they do not take you seriously, Maybe they do but they turn their heads as the don't understand.
Is there anyone you can talk to?
Anyone at all?

Im sorry about all this Emo stuff it really doesnt help, But If you mean in the sense you dress and the music you listen to then WOW I think that is an amazing way to be. I love the clothes, The music everything it's better then listening to Cristina Aguilera and being in with the cheerleaders! I know where I would sooner be!

It seems everyone you ever cared about made a promise to you they couldn't keep, seems they let you down time after time but you mustn't blame yourself,

YOU ARE AN AMAZING YOUNG WOMAN I truly mean that, to go through all that you have and have the maturity and how wise you are, I honestly sometimes look at your words and think wow she is so great, grown up and I really want to help you.

Take it one day at a time, be patient with yourself we know you can do it. we are here for you xxxx

Angels-quest

Ok, i'm back...please dont hate yourself. You have so much going on around you, when you cant cope with it all..it's got to come out on you somewhere Darlin.
Yes, you have been strong & done so well. it doesn't mean we are not still proud of you. Remember that saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day'??Well, when we have problems, they cant always be fixed that easy. It doesn't make you bad or a let down. it makes you human.
It's the little steps you have to aim for....just take these small steps. It was a great step having two days feeling stronger....take that as a positive Darlin. these small steps all add up, until before you know it, two days of not cutting, has gone on to a week, then two weeks. yes it will slip back. 1 step forward two back...3 steps forward, 2 back.It's normal.

Did you manage to tell your Mom what was going on, or did she not listen to you?

have your friends seen the marks on you? I know thats a hard one to deal with...but then they can see for themselves.

We care darlin, i know it's not the same...but we are here. i was just going to bed it's nearly 4am. But I am here because i want to help you. I may not have all the right words,but i care & i just want to be able to reach through the screen & give you a big hug.

You are not useless...you can do many things. Sweetheart, you were good for two days, no-one else did that, you did it, by yourself. if we didn't believe in you, then we wouldn't be here now.

Is there a teacher you could confide in at school? I dont know if you are close to any of them, and you could try talking?

You ARE NOT selfish. I hate to say it, but in some ways, although you are so grown up & intelligent...but you are still a kid, you are 13yrs old. You need to be loved & nutured.
I think you feel like no-one notices or cares about you, you may as well be invisable....am I wrong? people/friends are not right for doing it, sometimes kids dont take anything seriously.

You are hurting because you miss your family. That is normal darlin. The divorce & what has happenend afterwards, is the root of the problem. You didn't cause it, but you want to be able to turn back the clock & have things as they once were.It's so hard for you. Have you at least been able to talk about how difficult that still is too you?
Sadly, and you know your Mom & Dad possibly will never be as they once were, it's not out of the question. But doesn't often work out...and it's hard & hurts like hell. But it will Darlin. Think how much worse it would be now, if your parents were back together, how much they argue already.
It wasn't your fault & you couldn't of stopped it. They both still love you just the same, but they have got caught up in whats going on between them, and they are not noticing your pain.

I know it sounds daft, but have you tried punching the living daylights out of a pillow, getting some of your feelings out that way.

Can you keep like a felt pen, something you cannot break the end off to easily, then that way you always have something you can write with...to get your feelings down onto paper.

Please do not be so hard on yourself, dont be mad. i know it's frustrating when you slip backwards...i have been there when i had a breakdown & you get so angry with yourself. But you are normal, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are mentally in pain, so the only way you know how to free it, is through physical pain, you are punishing yourself & it dulls the pain. But only for a short while. Anybody that has an addiction, smoking, drinking etc...seldom can just stop it straight away & never look back> it's no different for you Darlin, you will have bad days....and you will have good too. like i said gradually, you wont even notice that the good days come more often than the bad.
You will get there. believe in yourself, if only because we do.

We are not going to lie to you, what would we gain by that. We have faith in you...we expect you to slip...as i have said this IS normal, but we also know that you do have an inner strength deep down, and you can reach in & find it. it wont be easy & it may take a while before you are free of this punishment...but sweetheart you will get your wings back.

I want to hug you, hold you close & tell you it will be ok. We are here to support you, we care. Always remember that.You are never as alone as you may feel....and oneday you will spread your wings & soar high into a happy place...which will be the life you have taken back control from.

Hugs to you Maria...you ARE SPECIAL xx

Laff Agent

Hey Maria-

Holy crap are we bombarding you with stuff or what?

Did you remember to put us on your checklist? We're here and we support you, really. The pain sucks, I know that. You know how I know? Because it sucked for me ... and I'll bet it sucked for the other people here too.

I like you Maria, I told you that. Every thing you say tells me you're a great person, you're just feeling a sh*tload of pain. I recognize the pain, I almost let it take me over many years ago. I dealt with it my way, I drank until it went away because that worked. Over time I had to drink more and more because the pain just got worse and eventually the drinking stopped working all together ... eventually it made the pain worse, not better ... and I almost gave it all up. I just wanted the pain to stop. It sucked so bad and hurt so bad and I just wanted it to stop and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The pain will go away Maria, you're working on it right now. If you do nothing but talk to us, nothing but write what you're feeling, little by little it will go away. It won't happen overnight and some days it might feel like it's getting worse, but keep writing.

I didn't have a big web of support back then either, but a couple of people who understood walked with me. They understood, they got it, and they walked through it with me. We can be those people for you. We'll walk through it with you if you let us, OK?

It's gonna get better.

queenmaria

im feeling better now. maybe cause its snowing. that always makes me feel better. i hate[d](not sure if i do) because i feel what i do is wrong. i wish i wasnt such a b*tch. and why i cant be happy.

what helps me-ish what doesnt
yes
screaming
yelling
throwing stuff
doing math problems
cutting (with scissors) all the loose scraps of paper into million bazillion pieces
dancing with my cat
rocking out -silently, i cant sing-
listening to LOUD MUSIC MAJORLY LOUD music with the bass way up.
almost anything to do with music
not all of this always works but im goin to keep trying it

no
bath -too much time to think-
yoga -same-
eating something strong- doesnt make me feel better-

i went to the website. its very... right. no i havent talked to my mom. what i mean bywe fought was that when i started with how much i hate fighting. it kind of escalated into an argument getting onto grades and my disrespectful attitude(mom, it started out as a peaceful conversation). no, my friends havent seen. i wear long sleeves and have cut thumbholes into my sweatshirts.

ok im going to answer some more later. i cant really think about this now

why is everything so confusing maybe im just out of my mind

Kaytee576

Well I clicked on that link too and got a PC cleaner ERM what was you trying to show us Detoam?? Bless.

Hey Maria Glad to see you are feeling a little better, I love the snow!!

I like the lists and I am pleased to see more on the "YES" side then NO! Thats a start sweetie!
I wonder do you write poems? I found it really helped, I like the sound of dancing with the cat and who cares if ya cant sing just sing away Put on something really heavy Like Disturbed, Korn, Or something like that and SCREAM the words out! hehe (not that I do that!!!) Some people say they find Korn etc depressing though I dont listen to it much now I guess in a way it got me through the hard times as I could relate to some of the lyrics, Music can only be played high! It is a must!

Im sorry it turned into an argument with your mum

That isn't exactly what you needed was it, for her to start lecturing you, I'm sorry sweetie, Maybe if you could somehow make her listen to you then she would understand if you act in different ways maybe it would help her to understand.

I understand you want to write later when ever you feel ready darlin, we are always here.

Love and hugs Kaytee576 xxx

detoam

I am so happy to hear that You are doing better.
No You haven't gone out of Your mind.
Being unhappy is part of life. There is nothing wrong with that. I am, for one, is rarely happy. And there is certainly nothing wrong with You for feeling that way. Of course shrinks would say otherwise. Trust me I've down that road. But truth is sometimes we are hurt and that makes us unhappy. Some things take a long time to come to terms with, especially when it is something we can't understand. Don't try to get over something, that will not work. Simply because it's impossible. If You can't understand why things happened the way they did it might be because there is no need to understand them.

Laff Agent

Hey Maria-

Just wanted to check in and say hello. It's funny to hear you say it's snowing, because we finally have a nice spring day here (NY), it's in the 70's.

Hope you do something fun this weekend.

queenmaria

what if im really who i (think) i pretend to be? what if im faking being sad? i have settled on a friend to tell. she is the least likely person someone would think id choose. shes preppy , religous, and is just very unlike me (except for the wierd factor). she has her group. but she is okay with my black clothes and loud music. she never gets mad when i scream that i hate her. i dont know why i didnt think of her earlier. i dont know what id tell her though.

me: hi
her: hi
me: guess what
her: chicken butt!
me: nope. i cut.
her: say wha..?
me: yup. im such a retard that the only way for me to be okay is to cause myself pain. isnt that strange?!

could you save, could you save my life/ have a boy you knew not died?- 'bitter for sweet' by BlaqkAudio.

ps. it stopped snowing, was blindingly sunny (but not warm) so the snow melted. then it started raining. people say 'dont like the weather? wait five minutes'

Kaytee576

Hey Maria, So great to hear from you, I am so pleased you have decided on a friend to tell, Your friend sounds like just the person from what you have said about her she sounds patient and understanding and she accepts you for who you are (A GREAT PERSON) and doesn't mind that you dress differently to her or listen to different music and I think thats great how friendships should be!

Right This first bit of the conversation you wrote is great up to the chicken butt bit lol...

As I said before I do not think it will work to plan it out word for word as might stress you out, but if you feel that is the best way to do it then how about just telling her that you cut, that you want to change and you wanted to tell her because she is the only one you can trust and that you know will not judge you.
Then it has all been said, If she asks you to explain then if you want to go ahead but just be patient with yourself and have faith, I am sure it will all go well and after you will feel like a weight has been lifted!

We are here for you and I am proud of you. Be strong you are doing the right thing, by telling someone Im sure it will help and hopefully to talk about it will help ease the pain.

PLEASE do not think you are a retard NO WAY you are an amazing young woman I hope in time you will realise this. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON two of my friends used to cut they got through it I know you will too,
Love and hugs being sent to ya! Thinking of you xxx

PS You are not faking being sad you have just had to suffer a lot of heartache and you are trying to cope you will get through this I know it.

Angels-quest

Hey Maria,

Great to hear from you again, I think we have all been wondering how you have been.

Ok, that's good, you have a friend in mind. Well, it's hard to ever know the right words to start a difficult conversation. Whatever you plan, will probably go straight out of the window when you get down to it anyway, as nerves will kick in. Just try & say how you feel, I know that's a difficult thing....but hey, you did it with us, and we are all here for you. I know it's harder saying it face to face. But your friend sounds like she is pretty tough & emotionally able to cope with whatever you have to say, and hopefully she will be there for you, I'm sure she will be.

Just admit that you dont know how to start the conversation, be honest with your friend. I find this helps when we dont always have the words to say to someone suffering a loss, I will say "I just dont have the right words to make it better for you, but I'm here"...because sometimes there are no words, and all you can do is relate how you feel.

Even if it takes you a whole 10 minutes to get the words out, your friend sounds like she is the understanding type, and this really wont matter. She obviously thinks quite highly of you, to be your friend....that must say something about you.Trust me, once you start, you will find the right words.

Deep down Sweetie, you know the true person you are. Who win's over in your head & heart, the real you, or the fake one?
You find it easier to deal with whats happening probably, when you are not being 'The Real maria'...it's easier to push things away, and pretend even for a short time, that bad things never happenend.

You couldn't fake being sad Hun, well maybe for a short time, but you couldn't keep it up long term..unless you are a great actress

You do feel sad, you have every right to be, you have a lot you are trying to deal with. You are not faking it...if you could, wouldn't you truly pick to be happy, how things once were before all the bad stuff?
You do not want to be living how you are now, you are un-happy. If you were faking that, then you could just switch back to happy maria, and problem solved!
If you were happy, and faking being sad,then you would never of come here, to our forum...but it's because you want things to change & that is such a big positive step. Plus, we are glad to have you here & honoured you can share with us how you feel. We want to see you be happy again, we are all rooting for you.

Truly, I bet each member on here, when going about there daily life, thinks about you at some point & wonders how you are. I know that I do. Would we do that if we didn't care? If we thought you were faking?

We do have every faith in you, and we know it may take time, but you will get through this...because deep down in your heart, you want it. But you have to want it for you, not anyone else. Because you deserve a happier life, than the one you are living right now.

Good luck Maria, please let us know how it goe's when you talk to your friend....she sounds as though she will support you, whatever it is you tell her...and that's a good start.

Meanwhile we are all here, whatever you want to get off your chest, go for it...that is what we are here for.

Hugs.

Laff Agent

Angels-quest

Oh bless your heart

Are all those ladies tiring you out?!

Seriously,it's nice to know I was actually right for once in my life LOL...Whatever I'm doing, wherever I am, I do wonder 'how are things with Maria today?'...But then I do think of you all. Hmmm, maybe I should of been a 'Mum' afterall, because I'm doing all those daft motherly things ....Like I check on the forum and :
' Hmmm, no post's....I hope they are all ok, I'll check back later'

2 Hours later :'Oh, still no sign of anyone...Oh i hope they get in touch to let us know how they are'

Ha, before long I will be doing the ultimate Mothers sin, spitting on a hanky & wiping all your faces, so be warned!!!

Sweetdreams Laff Agent, good to hear from you.
(oh, and dont be up till late talking...did you remember to brush your teeth huh?wash behind your ears??Oh dear, there must be a medical term for this?!

)

queenmaria

I'm back to scissors. All the razors are gone so I grabbed the scissors. But thats better ( I hope). Maybe the I'll go back to safety pins then nothing. I'm having a bunch of misplaced anger. I was just sitting and I happened to see a ribbon my cat had been playing with. I got so mad at the ribbon. I ripped at it and told it that it had destroyed my life. Then I couldnt rip it I cut into pieces and shredded those with my fingernails. I was heading toward the fireplace to burn the scraps when I stopped and relized that it was a ribbon. What kind of lets stuff go is to talk to myself but then i get caried away and end up telling myself to shut up or getting off topic into the benefits eating ice cream three meals a day. ok i never talk about ice cream but you ge my point. yeah i check on here and read stuff that i dont post on. (dont think i only look on this topic! i read everything).its ok to babble. most of my talks to myself are babbles. if my words look angr its because my keyboard hates me and i have to stab each letter for it to work. well got to go before i break something.

Laff Agent

So here's a funny little story for you. We've contracted to have a new house built next year. It should be done next fall and then we're going to get married in the backyard. It's sort of like this big dream bring everybody together thing, merge the families and start the next phase of our lives in our dream house.

Anyway, we're up checking out the property and we stop by one of the model homes so my 6 yr old future stepdaughter can use the bathroom. What happens? She clogs the damn toilet and it overflows!! So here we are in the model house and prospective buyers are walking through and we're running around like crazy trying to get the toilet to flush and clean up all the mess. The sales lady was very nice, but my fiance was about as embarassed as I've ever seen her. After two trips to Home Depot for a plunger, a snake, and some drain cleaner I still couldn't get it to flush!! So we cleaned it up as best we could, put a sign on the door, and asked the sales lady to lunch to try to make up for the fiasco (she declined).

As I'm standing there with sh@t on my shoes, plunging my brains out, I thought how different I handle things now than in the past. You'll get there Maria. All of sudden one day something will hit you, like "holy crap, I just had a big fight with my boyfriend and my mother yelled at me about my report card and I didn't even think about cutting myself". You'll get there, believe me.

Thanks for letting me babble again

queenmaria

oh no! that sounds awful (awfully funny though). i hope so though. but now someone i know ,sort of, knows i cut too. in p.e (the horriblest class. horriblest isn a word but its the only description i have) im crossing my arms so the cuts are less visible. but i cant cover them all. a girl reaches out and grabs my arm. 'holy crap! cutter. and they said i was bad' she showed me a couple scars on her wrist. i pulled my arm away, but everything i thought of to say when this happened slipped out of my mind. 'its nothing' i said 'cutter' she said. 'i dont. im not. i fell.' i turned away ' dude what did you do to your arms' she said. ' i didnt'. i hid for the rest of pe but that is hard. so people do call me cutter. it reminds me of everything people say.
' across is emo, down is goth'
from girl to other girl (both popular)'do you cut?' ' yeah but once. it hurt'
giving themselves eraser burn 'ha ha we hurting ourselves. haha look i made a smiley face. haha were emo' then saying when id try to hang out with them later that day ' you cant hang out with us. you dont hurt yourself'

i grabbed one ofhe safety pins that were part of my outfit and poked myself till i forgot everyone was there. im so invisible. maybe i should wear something brihter than dark blue-gray and black. its so hard. the goth kids dont accept me cause i dont wear giant black and red pants. not that i want to be one. they gossip and chat and hug each other and talk about lipstick. my friend told me that they keep me in their group because im funny. they said that if i stopped being funny theyd kick me out. i dont feel better cause someone knows because they didnt accept me they just called me cutter. her scars were old, from about 4 months ago at least. and there were only a few. whats wrong with me that makes it worse?

Laff Agent

Hi Maria-

I'm glad you thought the toilet story was funny. It's not everybody who can appreciate a good sh*t on the shoes story

It's great that your funny with your friends too. I've got a pretty wierd sense of humor myself. Hey, did you notice I put up my avatar? What do you think? I don't know how I forgot to do that when I first came here because I take that sort of creepy looking clown guy with me everywhere I go.

The girl in PE sure acted like an idiot, but you saw she had done it also. You're not alone in having those feelings, it's important to remember that.

You know what Maria? I hate labels. You're not emo or goth or cutter or anything like that, the only label that's you is Maria (or anything else that YOU like to be called). I hate labels because everybody is different, everybody is unique. All the goths aren't alike, so what does it mean to just say "you're a goth"? What does it mean to say "you're a cutter"? It doesn't mean anything, it's something you do not something you are. One day you won't do it anymore. You'll still be Maria.

Somewhere back in the introduction thread in this forum I listed my labels. I think I did that just to say "Hey, I qualify to be here. I can identify with people who are dealing with things because I'm dealing with my things". But I don't wear them as labels and I don't want other people pinning them on me. You, my dear, don't need to wear any label that somebody puts on you.

You're not invisible either. We can see you even through this stupid computer. Today we found out you're funny, that's more of you we can see. That's really great, really great

Angels-quest

Ha...Laff Agent, that was a very funny story!!! Is that what they call toilet humour? Had me in stitches, just had a vision of it

Maria,
I agree with Laff Agent, the girl in P.E was a total idiot, and she should know better. but it's so true when they say kids can be cruel.
usually people mock what they dont understand, so it just goes to show what little understanding she really has about things...more suprising as she did it herself (but then she is probably embarrassed, so by turning all the attention onto you,means it takes it away from her. because unlike you, she cant face up to the reality.)

Secondly, another thing we agree on..I HATE labels too

If we were mean't to have labels, we would of been born with them stuck on our foreheads!
Again, people with little understanding of things, people with small minds use labels.Everyone is different & unique. As Laff Agent said you are Maria...not any of the labels you have been given, you are YOU, a unique & special person.

I was given labels at school too, because i was quiet, i was odd, wierd, gay (never quite understood that one!?). i felt a nobody, but then if it mean't being a 'somebody', with people like that as my friends, i'd rather be a nobody!
Sometimes I still do feel invisible, I'm just that daft one, the dizzy one, that can make people smile...still no-one see's beyond that. Whatver I do, I feel like Oh yeah you did well...but 'so & so' did far better.
All I'm trying to say is, you are not alone, all over the world there are many of us, that feel we do not fit in. So you are NOT abnormal, weird & all those other labels...you are still you, and you are NOT alone.

Ha, my keyboard doesn't much like me either...it tricks me. Every time I try putting an '&' symbol in, it usually comes up with a number 7. When I check,look up at the screen, it will stick in an '&' in for good measure...I stop checking and end up with 7's everywhere

.....It's now a standing joke between me & Kaytee576, because every email i have sent, it is full of 7's & not and's!!!

I so give up!

Laff Agent....your Avatar is soooo scary!! I have this kinda phobia with, erm clowns. To make it worse, I watched Stephen Kings 'It' film once

...OMG, never in a million years again, it confirmed my killer clown theory.....and yet now, it has come back to haunt me! I will have bad dreams forever, and it's gonna be all your fault!

(a nice puppy dog would of been soooo much better LOL)

queenmaria

Arrgh. I hate labels too. Im surrounded by them though. This is year is the first time labels are being applied majorly. I was popular in second grade, ok in third, losing it in 4th, back in 5th, down in 6th, and now im out. not in or out. i tried to stay like that. Sometimes i feel horrible about what i say to other people and ill fret about it till i can make it up to people. i told a girl i had shoes like hers when i was six and i felt bad about it and avoided her till she asked for a pencil and i gave her all mine to make up for it. ill say something bad about someone and feel sorry for that kid and sed them good thought waves. or ill try to avoid this really cool kid who is very unpopular. hes really cool and i want him to be my friend but im afraid to talk to him because everybody doesnt like him. if i could choose my label id be pirate. i am very pirate. not of the caribean but you know argh walk the plank dude pirate. Ive found that visualising the cuts on my arm is helping. then they can go deep and bleed and not leave a mark. I have a phobia too. Im afraid of hamsters. i love gerbils, mice but im totally freaked out by hamsters. i got a dancing singing hamster once and another one later and they scare me so bad. well i have 2 minutes till i must be off the computer or my keyboard shall be confiscated.

Laff Agent

LMAO

What a pisser!!

Pirate Maria: ARRrrgggh matey. Turn over yer ship at once or I shall insert yer shoes in yer skanky butt and throw you in the brink.

other pirate: rrrrrrRRR. Fear me Pirate Maria. My sword is sharper, my musket more powerful, my crew more dasterdly.

Pirate Maria: Your weapons don't scare me, I will rip you limb from ....EEEEEKKK a hamster ... OH MY GOD!! ... abandon ship!!!

queenmaria

Okay that was so funny. I laughed.

queenmaria

told someone today. but after she left

. I was walking back from lunch with my friend talking about something and she said 'do you like cutting all over your arms?' i asked her what she was talking about and she said 'you always cover your arms. do you like cutting all over your arms?' i told her i didnt like t-shirts. then we went our seperate ways and i said i wasnt sure. so i toldish. i dont feel like the other to girls at my school who cut. one is the one who first spotted them on my arms. the other is her friend who was telling her yesterday (and showing her the scratch on her wrist) and they seemed to feel proud of it.

But im not sure if i am or not. its kind of like ' see maria, your powerful, you can hurt yourself' but then its ' oh come on, you have to cut to be real?'

Kaytee576

Hi Maria,
I'm sorry I am a little confused, Did you leave it at that when you told your friend you don't like t-shirts or did you actually tell her about the reason you cover your arms? Sorry I am daft!

You said the two girls were talking about cutting as if they are proud of it, Maybe it isn't that though it could be that they just feel comfortable talking about it together, Maybe they feel As they both have done this before they have nothing to hide as they are both going through it so they can talk to each other as one knows how the other feels, does this makes sense?

Also this friend that first noticed the cuts probably knew what it was as she had been there herself, Do you think maybe you could talk about it with these girls?
It wouldn't mean you are all proud of it, It would just mean that you all can talk openly about it and your experiences as you are all going through this for different reasons.
Also did you ever get around to talking to the friend of yours who was religious? you mentioned here in a post, I don't remember you saying either way.
I REALLY hope you are OK and that things are getting better for you, I am here for you we all are and I am sending big hugs your way.
Take care sweetie xxx

Angels-quest

Hey Maria,

Nice to hear from you again, i was wondering how you were doing & I was still thinking about your beans post

Ok, it's a great start that you told your friend. maybe the fact that she walked away doesn't mean she doesn't care, or doesn't like you anymore...but maybe she didn't know the right words to say. But maybe after a night to think about it, she will respond to you better. I guess not everyone has the answers & deals with it differently. I hope she will support you, once she has had some thinking time.

Also, the friend that asked about you not wearing t-shirts, means that at least she has taken notice. I'm hoping she will be there for you, as you said you kinda told her & kinda didn't. But sounds like she is pretty smart, so i guess she notices either way. That's good, someone notices.

Maybe the other girls feel like it's a cool thing to do, as it seems to be something that is very talked about in your school I have noticed. So maybe they feel to fit in, they have to make out like they are going through it too. Or they are mocking, either way, it's because they do not understand it properly.

Yes, it is a kind of power thing. As i once said to you before, most addictions, habits etc...are the one thing we feel we are controlling, as our lives spiral out of control in ways we cannot help. So yes, you feel powerful, this is something you can do, and no-one can tell you what to do, or take it away from you. BUT...i think if you were really proud of it, then you would be displaying your arms for all to see, wouldn't you? So covering them means part of you isn't proud, and wants to not be doing it anymore....you want the help, but are not sure how to get it, because no-one much seems to listen to you lately.

It goes much deeper than the scars on your arms.It is what is at the root of them all, what started all this in the first place....I think you said it began when your parents split? So that is the stem of all the problems you are feeling, and it's that,that somehow needs to be dealt with.Which isn't easy when your Mom doesn't seem to hear what you are trying to tell her.
You know, when I had a breakdown, i was told only i had the pwer to help myself. It sounded stupid at the time, and i thought how the hell can i??But then little by little i realised that it wasn't me controlling the obsessions i had, it was them that were controlling me...and somehow i had to take back control of my life. Sounds easy? Well it isn't & it takes time.I think one-day you might see it the same with you, and that you can be strong enough to take back control, because you are powerful, in mind. You are very strong minded & determined, i get that from your posts. No it wont be as easy as waking up one day & saying right that's it, i'm not going to do that anymore...end of story. But if you are determined enough, your stuborness with take over & you will think "I'm not going to let this control me anymore". As I said it's going to take time, and some support along the way will be a big help to you, as it is to any of us.

No matter how old we get, we all need someone to listen & understand.
As Kaytee said, did you talk to that other girl in the end, the religious one, who wanted to be your friend? Be interested to hear if you did.

I know you do want to stop, and I know deep within you, you do have the strength, you just have to find it. I have learn't that you are a very strong character, and you wont be beaten by much!

It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all do things we know are not good for us, we all have had problems that we haven't known how to deal with. It doesn't make you weak, or stupid, it makes you human. No-one is perfect, only those that think they are.

You will win this battle, because you are a warrior at heart.

Keep us posted, cos we all care how you are doing.

Hugs,

Laff Agent

Hi Maria-

No funny stories today, I've just been working too hard. Hey, do you like things like scary movies?

queenmaria

today was a crappy day. i was crying before school even started. woke up late, big argument with my mom, didnt have my homework done, teachers gave me grief for that.

is it wierd to laugh when you feel like crying? everyday i have to try not to cry and i dont know why. i get so upset at almost nothing and i feel like im about to fall off the edge of the world. ive been called little miss mood swing by one of my more argumentive friends. everyone else around me always seems to have their emotions in check instead of always changing.

yes i like scary movies.

my friend walked away before i told her. i told her after she had gone toward her class. it is talked about in my school, but like 'like anyone would do that. theyre just crazy if they do.' so people know what it is. I hate it when they say it with that little smirk ' your not cutting yourself are you?'. i relize that my friends do notice but not my closest friends. my two closest friends (the religius girl and another) dont seem to notice. i started to talk to the preppy one and asked her if i seemed different than i had been. and she said that i was like i always was and didnt understand why people called me emo. so i kind of lost courage. its people that im ok friends woth that take my safety pins because they think i could use them against myself.

this didnt start at the divorce. it is kind of because it but i was 11. my mom moved out when i was in 5th grade, and she got divorced and bought the house in 6th grade, just before halloween. it hurt me because she had promised that she never would get divorced and she saw that my brother and i cried when she mentioned it. i was mad at my dad because he didnt try to make it work. it kind of crushed my hope of them getting together again. im still bitter about it. i kind went into this dark phase and started got rid of who i was before. that was in 6th grade, about after christmas. i was really the only person in my elementry school who was like me (i went to the prep school, the rich school.) thats when it started.

the girl who first noticed them isnt my friend, she is just someone in my pe clas.

queenmaria

A boy has been making fun of my moods. I'll walk into class and he'll say hi. I will glower at him, be happy, or something in between. Then he'll go off saying watch out for Maria she's being goth/emo/on drugs. At the end off class he'll do the same thing but saying bye instead. By then my mood will have changed. Nobody really listens to him, but it makes me feel all wierd because then I'm the only one who seems to be moody. I've always been different and made fun of for being Canadian,a twin, liberal, listening to different music, and having 'wierd' clothes, but I was okay with all that because I chose to be like that (I couldn't really control being Canadian or a twin but I'm still fine with it) but I don't control my moods.

Another kid asked me if I was emo because I wasn't talking to him. I told him I was a pirate. I guess I'm kind of obsessed with this emo thing or not. I mean all of my friends seem to have they're labels. One of my friends is the queen of giving them out. She asked me when this punk stage is going to end. But I dont feel like I fit in with my friends. I've been hanging out with them less and less. They all seem farther away from me than before. Rich, calm, smart. None of them have divorced parents and don't really seem to get it ('oh! you must be so happy! two of everything!' gah!! SHUT UP). For about a year I hung out with other people than I had been. So those friends and my old friends are constantly fighting and expecting me to chose sides.

I'm mad at myself for not being able to tell anyone I cut. So I can get help? I don't think I need 'help'. But people who cut are generally told that they must be crazy and they have a disease that can be cured by taking pills. iIn a music video in order to make the setting gothic and scary they put razor blades in the snow.

I have no idea what I'm saying.

Kaytee576

Hey Maria.
I am sorry to hear about this boy in your class, Sounds to me like he REALLY needs to grow up! They say that people make fun of others as they have an insecurity about themselves but it isn't nice for you.

Sounds to me you are doing the right thing so far, Even though it is getting to you do not let him see that, Act as if you are not bothered by what he says Laugh at him As if he is the twit (Which he IS!) and Eventually Im sure he will get bored and sadly move onto picking on someone else.
He is the sad one who takes pleasure in picking on someone else I bet he is FAR from perfect.

I hate labels But sadly you cant seem to get through life without one

I have been labeled many things but somehow you have to think that if thats all these certain people can say about me then they are not worth knowing and can get lost.
You are your own Amazing Person NOT a label.

Sorry to hear about your friends asking you to choose sides you do not need that right now.
Can you tell them you will not get involved as you care about all of them and you do not take sides. Hopefully they will get the message and keep you out of it.

As for being a Punk WOW I would much rather be like that then rich and stuck up! As for smart you ARE smart too. Why should you change who you are?
Stay how you are, Don't become another clone of them, Be your own person and stay interesting!

As for telling someone you cut, the time will come when you feel you are ready to tell someone, People that cut ARE NOT CRAZY and do not have a disease, unfortunately a few pills will not solve the situation completely but it does help. I think though that councillors help, They have helped me in the past as you can talk to them and know it remains private and that they are there to help.
It is nothing to be ashamed of. I just wish there was someone you could turn to to when you need to.
Until then please remember we are here.
I am sorry if I didn't help, Just wanted you to know you will always have me/us here whenever you need us.
Take care angel xxx

Angels-quest

Ok where to start, I'm sorry not to have replied sooner...sometimes I am not sure of the right words, or even if they are helping you feel better at all?

Well as for the boy in class...certainly if he see's this is bothering you in anyway, it will make him do it all the more. Can you just totally blank him & his remarks? Think about it, if you are trying to row with someone & they go totally silent on you, no matter what you hurl at them...in the end it's no fun anymore, so you give up, as you are not getting the reaction you hoped for.
I know it's hard, because you are dealing with these kids everyday. But oneday, you will never see most of them ever again, they wont be in your life...so let all these kids think what they like...will it really alter your life...no? When you leave school,it really wont matter what they thought of you, nomore than it does what you think of them. because in 10years or so, you would all have forgotten each other anyway. As i said, it doesn't help with the here & now.
These people are narrow minded, if they dont understand something...they mock it.It just shows they are really immature.

I HATE labels, as i said to you before....when you apply for a job, do you have to say "Hi I'm Maria, I'm an emo, punk, goth" Or whatever else you have been labelled with? Again, kids know it hurts, so they keep on at your sore points, pouring salt into the wounds. You are above them & thier silly games,hold your head high & be proud of who you are...not what they want you to be. Who are these people really anyway?? Do they matter?
You are a wonderful, intelligent, gifted, funny girl, with far more going for you than alot of people your age.Be proud of that. We wasn't made to all be the same...if we were all clones of each other, how boring life would be. You have a stronger spirit within you, because you are not afraid to be different, that makes you special.
You are you, hold onto that...you are no label...if you wanna be a pirate...go for it girl, be different, be you. True friends will love you for who YOU are, not whom they want you to be.

As for your 'friends' wanting you to pick sides...mmm, girls can be so nasty sometimes when spurred on by others, they can be very cruel. they should respect you for whomever you are friends with...because true friends can share you. Maybe your friends are not true friends to you, i dont know....but if they are, they should love & respect anything in life you may choose, they dont have to like it, but they respect it.

Is there any boy's you are friends with? As often boy's can make the better friends, as they are not always as judgemental & sorry to say it but girls can get quite bitchy at times..hence why i dont have a lot of 'girlfriends' now...it's very, very hard to find a good & true friend these days.

No-one is perfect, male or female we all have faults. there must be other people out there I bet that notice & like you for who you are. but probably because of all the labels & the fear of being picked on themselves they haven't come forward & stay quietly in the background. But i bet you there is more than one person out there that admires who you are.

You are NOT crazy...we all have our own problems & secrets sometimes..it doesn't make us bad or crazy. if you were crazy, you wouldn't know that you were...you would just be thinking you are normal 9and it would be everyone else thinking you are crazy!) You are far from crazy.I hope you will find the right person to confide in, you will...but it's knowing who you can trust enough.It's a difficult world at times, and i wouldn't go back to my school years for love nor money. kids can be cruel, and i dont miss that. i was always labelled, as probably are most people that ever went through school.

no pills do not cure you, and certainly wont cure cutting or anything else. BUT if you were say depressed, then yes pills would help put the balance back in your life, but they are not a cure. Pills are like wallpaper...they cover up the cracks, but do not cure the foundation of the problem.

Are there any teachers at school you could ever talk too? Or would that just never happen? I dont know what your schools are like out there. here I found certain teachers became like friends.

It's not help you need so much, as someone who understands & listens to how you are feeling. You need to be taken notice of by someone who cares, and i just hope you find that person. Are there any forums with people going through the same thing as you/ Would it help to talk to people that have gone through it, if there are such forums?

Rest assured, you are not crazy, or anything else. you are going through a tough time, and we all deal with things differently. But you can get through it, if you want too enough.

We are all here for you, we may not have the words that can make it all better...but we listen & care how you are doing maria, we really do.

hugs to you,

queenmaria

So much has happened.

The boy has stopped bugging me. My friend got a poster from a teacher of one of the greek gods. Hades. Se compared him to me. Back clothes cant seehis face, it went on. I thought she hadn't even noticed anything about me. In pe people were saying I'm diabetic. I'm not. I don't think I'm big. So I didn't eat lunch and my friends got mad at me. But it means people are talking about me. Which means they saw my arms. I tried to tell myself that i dont care what the Areostaple erm.. donkeys (my name for the super atheletes whose entire wardrobe consists of Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, Aerostaple, and American Eagle. They MUST have a huge label on their clothes so they can rub in how good looking, rich and athletic they are) are thinking but its hard. My friend showed me a song. It's called the emo song. It says about cutting and crying while listen to Hawthorne Heights. Its a horrible song. I could barely force a smile while I listened to it. My friend sat there and laughed at it. She found it funny! I felt for the guy they sing (squawk) about. Everyone was being mean to him. But I cry when I listen to hawthore heights. They're sad and meaningful. I don't want summer to come. It means shorts and t-shirts. I don't like how I look. Before long my mother will be making me not wear my hoodie. Its in the 80's. I just want to hide forever. Dig a big hole and bury myself. No, I want to live in a big speaker. It will play music that will be perfect. I want someone to believe me when I say I never want to wake up. I don't mean that I'm sleepy. I mean that when I'm sleeping I can dream and live in that dream. One week of school left. Then break. Most of my friends are leaving. Then I get to deal with my mother telling me to do something other than mope around. I'm mad at her. When we 'talk' she' the only one who talks. I hate that we fight. She just came home. She asked if anything was wrong. I shook my head. I don't know whats wrong. Is something wrong?

"when you opened up what you said it was so sad/ that no one would notice if you ran away"- love you to death, kill hannah

"it looked like the perfect day/ in photos we were smiling/but something was wrong with you/ inside you was suffering"- black poison blood, kill hannah

ps. You guys are helping. Just talking about any of this is nice.

Kaytee576 · Hey sweetie xxx

Hi Maria, So pleased to hear that boy has stopped bugging you!
But I am sorry to hear you feel everyone is talking about you, Why is it No body can just get on with their own lives and leave people alone? Its so stupid, I really hope you have found the strength within you to realise they are the sad ones who find pleasure in upsetting others and I hope you have been eating now as you said you missed your lunch.
I am sure you are just perfect, Kids are unkind and if they cant pick on someone for one thing they just make up something else, I remember I have been there

I haven't heard of the song you mentioned. How awful having to listen to that and you must have felt worse when your friend was laughing, She was probably trying to act cool but infact she was being totally the opposite.

Try not to dread the summer angel, I can understand what you mean, Im being daft too and thinking how will I wear anything nice coz I hate my figure, But you really have to try to be strong and think "I am who I am" And too right, I think you are an amazing person and I wouldn't change ya!

Anymore luck in talking to your mom? It seems to me like she picked up on the fact that something was bothering you, If you were able to tell her I feel it would help her to understand more, She would realise why you feel like you do and would rather mope then go out, Instead of thinking whats up with Maria and yelling at you, If she was able to understand she may start to listen and stop the yelling.

It is hard for me to say as I don't know how your mom is and how your relationship is with her these days, But I hope you will be OK. We are here for you anytime never forget that.

Hugs from me xxx

queenmaria

I talked to one of my friends. We said about how we didn't like how we were looking (I think my friend is one of the prettiest people. I told her that everyone wanted to be her. Tall blonde and blue eyed) She asked me why I didn't laugh very much. I told her I was sad alot. I told her how I hated fighting with my mom. We talked about evil people who made us cry. I was kind of mad because one of my friends had gone and told everyone something not so embarrising and exagerated it to be horrible. The girl I was talking to showed the note the other exagerating friend wrote. It said some mean stuff about me which made me sad because I thought we had been good friends. It said about how I starve myself ( I don't! usally) and how she thought how dressed was funny. I feel better 1) because I told someone how I hated fighting and 2) I know she won't tell *squints at blabber mouthed friend*
I have been to asuming. Ive been wating for someone to relize i cut exept I have a million exuses. My mom asked me why I was hiding my arm. I said I wasn't and I always ate like this. I gave her a 'duh' stare.

Angels-quest

Hey Queen Maria,

You are right, you want someone genuine to notice, bad maybe when that person does...you kind of push them away, and have many excuses ready. Part of you wants to tell, and probably the other half is afraid of where to begin & what this other 'person' will say.
I am so glad you managed to talk to a friend, she sounds a nice girl, and hopefully she will be someone you can always talk too. As for the other friend, i'm sorry. Like i have said before, you do sadly go through life making many friends, but not all of them will turn out to be true, lifetime friends. it is sad, but it happens to all of us in our life, we all get stabbed in the back by people we thought we could trust, i dont know why it happens, i guess it's just a horrible part of life we have to get used too. So please dont take it too personally, we have all had similar done to us....you will probably find you only stay friends with one or two out of your group now, as you go through life. It's a difficult age too, i'm not making excuses for these not so nice 'friends'...but they are still growing, testing the waters, and changing personalities in a way...and maybe some are not changing for the better....but you can breathe a sigh of relief you found out in time, and wont waste anymore of your time on people that enjoy hurting others.

It's so sad you do not get to laugh much..see, someone noticed. It's a shame you cannot talk to your Mom. She obviously notices you are not quite right. But she probably is sticking her head in the sand, just thinking you are being a 'normal' difficult teenager & will just 'grow' out of it. If only she could see there is more to it than that, and you could do with being able to talk to her, without the confrontation.

Do you still feel you could speak to your Brother about things, or not really?

What is it that makes you the most sad?

Teenage years are the toughest, and i'd never go back. i think that's when you start to see people for what they are, you start to realise people are not perfect & sometimes can be darn hurtful & nasty.The younger we are (i mean pre teen) we tend to see things different, more innocent i guess, you dont expect so many bad things of people. believe me, by the time you hit your 30's, you will be old hat at it, and just think 'oh whatever, your loss'..because by then you will have seen so many people come & go, you kinda get used to it.

Now you should be living life to the full, enjoying every moment. It's so sad that you are unable to do this, because you haven't the support you need.

If you Mum saw your your arms...what do you think she would do? How would you respond do you think?

I'm so glad you have at least found one friend to confide in. I want you to be happy, you have so much to offer just by being YOU, you are a great & funny person, you just dont realise it.

We are always here for you...just wish we had all the answers to make everything right for you. xxxx

queenmaria

I'm back. I'm sorry I've been away so long. Schools been out so I have all day to do stuff. what do I do? Complain about the snow (I'm serious! It snowed! Then it melted.) To my friends. And go on mini trips with my parents. I went to a rennisaunce fair (or whatever.) With my friend. I wore a short sleeved dress! But I guess no one wants to look at my arms. ??? ??? I've also sat in my closet alot. Listening to music. And writing long rambling .... whatevers. I've gone through 5 pens. Coloring whole pages, line by line. And scribbles that go on and on. I talked to my mom on our trip. I asked her alot of questions and tried to explain why I liked AFI. That sounds retarded, but AFI is the band that seems to say whatever I can't, but she didnt get it. But I did tell her how I felt about emo and stuff (talk about hard! Explain a seemingly young person thing to an old person , sorry mom but you are getting old.)I also told my dad that. But I decided I was going to be emo. Something to fight with everyone about. I kind of decided this after my brother told me my handwriting was emo (I didn't think that was possible, but I guess dotting your i's with x's and drawing x's through your o's is emo.) Speaking of my brother, I'm not so sure anymore. We've been getting along better, but that doesnt mean much. What makes me feel sad is fighting. And little things tha people say that dont mean to hurt but do. Things that people say that do mean to hurt. I make me sad sometimes. I don't like being alone. but i perpously be by myself. I'm trying to make peace with myself. By caving into the darker stubborn part. But by bringing the nice(er) part too. It's wierd. It's kind of like skipping in the mud. Which is something I drew in my little notebook that gobbles up pens. It's kinda wierd but its how I feel. Ok. How would my mom react? She'd be really hurt, which is why I don't want to tell her. I'd be really mad and we'd both be confused. I have cut alot less. Like ALOT. So that made me happy. I found a song ( Bleed Black by AFI. They make me want to cry, but they make me stop crying too) and at the begining it has this breathing that I follow. It's really uneven and gives me something to concentrate on. I kind of follow the song, breathing until I'm better. I wrote a letter to my friend who moved last year, but I haven't found any stamps so it's sitting... somewhere... in my room I think it's buried under some junk. I've wrote enough right now. I have alot of stuff to say but I don't know what it is.

Kaytee576

Hey sweetie, SO GREAT to hear from you again

Good to hear you have been going out and WELL DONE hun for wearing the short sleeved dress, that must have took a lot of courage and you should be proud that you did it! In some ways it is a shame your parents didnt notice your arms, I say that as then maybe it would have saved you from having to tell them yourself and find the words, But also as no-one said anything maybe that made you feel more comfortable about wearing a dress more often?

I am pleased to hear about all the positive steps you have been taking, I'm sorry this "Emo" word has become such a label in your life, I wish people would remove it from their dictionary and start calling you by your name! MARIA That's who you are and you are a wonderful person who shouldn't be labeled by anyone.

Dont be ashamed of the music you like, We all find bands that help us get through certain times, I went from Korn to Linkin Park to Evanescence and now...dare I admit I mostly listen to the Wolf's Rain soundtrack (I know you are thinking WHAT?) Its instrumental, Piano Violin etc and it is all I can really take these days! (I am getting so old! hehe) though I must look into the band you mentioned they sound good.

Maria you should be so proud you haven't been cutting as much, this music seems a positive thing and it is helping you through, You can relate to it and that is good, go with it and don't ever feel you have to explain to people why you like certain music, you are you and be proud, keep listing it makes you feel better do hold onto that.

Now as for the letter dig into that junk and post it

I am sure your friend will be so pleased to hear from you,.

And as for the other stuff you have to say, well remember we are here whenever you want to say it. ANYTIME.

until then stay strong and take care xxx

queenmaria

Ok. I've been gone for a while. Let me tell you why I dissapeared for the time before this. My mom and brother got in a big fight and I (in my strange way) thought I was the cause and that scared me away from the computer. I don't see how that is connected but I guess they are. I was sitting in my closet where I promised myself would not cut there. And I haven't yet. My grandma came down and both she and my mom made fun of my swimsuit (it has little skulls on it and yes it is rather small) its color (black) my pants (low, dark, long, and worn constantly) and my adiction to my ipod. My mom said I was ' cultivating this negative thing with my friends' and when I was sitting outside I said something about hating the smell of summer (its a horrible smell. like grass juice and dead flies). And my grandmother said 'she's not...' and my moms like 'no marias not goth are you?' I just kind of sneered at her. It hurt. My mom doesnt want me to be me? I'm not 'cultivating this negative thing with my friends'! Its who I am! She told me to be 'dark nasty girl' somewher else (Which means my dads. He is 'other people'' some people' and is a horrible influence, according to her. ' unlike some people , I will not *insert thing my father suposudly does, like lie exagerate cuss*' ) I tried to tell her that I dressed how I liked and listened to what I liked an that happened to be 'dark nasty girl'.
I didnt cut for a while. I drew on myself with sharpie. I traced over everything so I cant get it off. I have no where to put how I feel. when I cut I could let it out. But when I did cut again it didnt work. It felt fake. I'll just be lieing somewhere and then I'll want to rip up everything. I was hanging out at a friends house and we were talking about the important topic of old people in young people clothes which led us to our moms. So I told her how I was mad at my mom for being , all that I just said. I almost stared crying.
I think you said you knew a girl who cut? I think it was you. I'm not going to read every post again. How did you know she did?

If I stayed with my dad all week I wonder if I'd be mad at him. My mom is gone off with her boyfriend all weekend.

. I'm feeling bad for my brother because my parents are always saying about him being on the computer all day and never do anything about.

I tried to write stuff down in a journal again but I ended up ripping it up.

thanks for listening

Kaytee576

Hey Maria, so great to hear from you.
I understand hun why you have been away, we never forgot you and I often wondered how you were getting on but knew you would be back soon, (You have to or we miss ya!)

Anyways I am so sorry to hear your mum makes you feel this way

I don't understand why your mum and nan would comment on your swimsuit like that? It isn't fair of them but I am so pleased to hear the positive in your writing and that you say "It's Who I am" you are who you are and NO-ONE should ever judge you.
If everyone were the same how dam boring would the world be??? I think it is great to be individual and I would Rather dress and be like you any day, I have always wanted to dress "Goth" I don't see it as a negitive thing, loads of people dress like that, The only thing that has held me back is as I am not comfortable with my body but I would never let any ones opinion stop me which you haven't and shouldn't.

As for your mum and nan I wonder whether they act this way purely as they do not understand? Rather then ask you and talk about certain things they joke and laugh which it the TOTAL wrong way to go.

I think it is true that we dress to the way we feel! the way we dress is apart of our identity and we should all have freedom of choice and STUFF what others say!

I wonder would it be possible for you to stay at your dads? do you get on well with him? If you do it might do you good to have a break somewhere else?
As for your brother, Maybe his computer is his only outlet too.
It seems to me your parents do a lot of judging but Maybe it is their way of understanding? their way of finding stuff out with out actually out rightly asking?
OH ILL BE QUIET!
send you to sleep me will!

You are strong I know you will get through.
keep up all the positive things you have done so far.

I AM ALWAYS HERE. Hope I helped a little, Love and Hugs Me xxx

queenmaria

I'm going on a trip with my mother. For the weekend. I have no idea what I'm thinking. She'll want to listen to my music, but then critisize it. And its going to be really hot! That means no jacket! I'v been wearing a hoodie and jeans all summer. Its getting up to 95 degrees. Shes already bugging me about that. And the holes I put in my clothes. She called me a follower when I wanted to get mt ears double pierced. But her ears are double pierced! If I point out anything she says to be countering what she does, she'll just explain why she doesn't count.
I've found some early Evanescence tracks from limeWire ( 5 Origin tracks

) And other stuff I thought unfindable. So thats been helping me not burst.
Sometimes I find myself thinking about cutting. I think about that I'll always have scars and always be different and no one would trust me (she can't trust herself to not hurt her, how can I trust her?) And then I'll think about how many people have much worse situations than me and are perfectly fine.
I hide my arms. I used to grab really hot rocks and hold them. Or use safety pins. I've been called hippie, but I kinda out grew that (hippies aren't really accepted in my very conservative town. It also didn't really match me.) I got called hippie, more than I've been called emo. At my friends b-day party they were kind of counting off the things I did emo. They had finnaly agreed that I wasn't completely emo because I didnt have skinny pants. I told them I almost bought some but they were way too expensive.
During the last week of school, a girl I had once been friends with and now has decied shes emo , noticed I had the same style of shoes as her (mine were red plaid and hers were this green/tan plaid) and she gave me that look that said don't ever wear those again. I hate her. She started her nickname 'emo pants' and then said she didnt and said she wasn't emo. Another girl, the nicest popular girl, had a bandana tied arond her arm and I saw a line coming out of the bottom. Theres a boy I sat next to in 3rd period and was in P.E with that knew I cut. And I think this girl knew I did too, theres something that you can just tell. We had talked a little bit. Mainly about clothes (hot topic! Our favorite store) So I know three girls that cut. I hate 1 of them. Theres the girl in P.E who first saw that I did, the girl in 3rd period, and an ex-friend who ditched us to be popular and ut to get in their group. And one girl who pretends she does.
I'm afraid to go to a counseller. There are two at my school, and you get assinged to one because of your last name. I dont even know which ones mine. I'm afraid because they know me as a girl whos just barely holding on to honor roll whose brother and his friends are always getting sent down to the office, claiming innocence. I don't even know what I'd tell them. If I try to say anything out loud, I'll cry. But here I am talking to a stranger. It feels better to at least someone knows.

queenmaria

our trip wasn't too bad! I was the one who made it bad though. I was grumpy and contrary. I was doing whatever I could to bug her. We did listen to my music and the only thing she said she didnt like was screaming. So I told myself to bring my most screamingy cds next time. Which is bad of me. So I also tried to freak her out by saying I listened to Marilyn Manson. She told me just not to look like him. I did take my jacket off ! i kept my wrist pressed right up against me.

Kaytee576

Nice one Maria! so pleased you went on your trip and it went well and for playing your music cant see why you shouldn't. Also well done not wearing the jacket, How are you feeling now in yourself? hope you are feeling better for the trip? take care hun xxx

queenmaria

I'm a horrble person. I'm probably making her breakup with her boyfriend and I don't even have thecourage to say its not her fault. shes all sad because she doesnt have enough money and erything. and at my dad and its probably y fault that shell breakup with cuz'm too afraid to saanything. all I can do is shake my head. But I hate myself for being me. I almost called after her but she lft. I hate her boyfriend for not being my dad but he really likes her. IF THEY HADNT GOT DIVORCED NON OF THIS WOULLD OF HAPENED AND I WONULD BE JUST A STUPID NOT-GOTH. she wants the best for me because she asked if i'd be happyer if she was single. but i dont know what makes me happy. i dont know if i even want to be happy. what is happy? so i'm just stting here crying and waiting or everyone to come in and say 'its all a game. were sorry now let your normal perfect life cotinue. this was all part of a reaity tv show' I tought everyone was selfish nd blind but i am the one is. i wish i was dead

queenmaria

DONT READ WHAT I WROTE IM JUST STUPID AND FAKE AND SELFISH

Kaytee576

Maria you are NOT STUPID FAKE OR SELFISH please do not say that about yourself. I wish there was away of making you see NONE Of any of this is your fault.
Your parents are adults. THEY MAKE THEIR OWN DESISIONS honest there is no way it is your fault, you could never make them do something they don't want to. your parents would never have split up because of you, I am sorry to say but you are the child here THEY are the adults and it is their life, You need to realise that you are not to BLAME for anything.
Your only part in all of this is that you were the one who had to be on the receiving end of lots of pain and hurt, most of which you probably didnt understand and still dont.

Your mum and her boyfriend might be going through bad times in their relationship and she obviously doesn't tell you all thats going on, therefore not knowing you blame yourself, OK you are not happy it is understandable and normal to reject him as he is not your dad, but unfortunately there will be a time when as hard as it is you will realise that your mum has to move on, he will NEVER replace your dad he is special to you and that will never change, and you mustn't blame yourself for having NORMAL natural feelings.

Yes you can have an opinion on your mums boyfriend but if she splits up with him IT WILL NOT be because of you, adults have all kinds of problems, the child IS NOT TO BLAME.

I know I am not really helping but I Want you to think now "YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST" as unfortunate as it is, (I WISH I COULD) but we cant, you are dealing with things the best you can and you are NOT a bad person you are trying to cope in your own way.

I am here for you angel, please try to be strong and remember you can come here anytime you need to.

Love and hugs from me xxx

queenmaria

ok. i am not so crazed anymore. i am just going to sit in my room and only talk to my riends until all of this is over. my mom is not breaking up with him. She is very mad at my father for giving her a fish (long story) and not answering his phone. She came in and talked to me last night ater she managed to get me away from my door (she is strong! I had my whole weight pressed against that door!). I had came out when sh had got back to try to talk to her and she said " don't you have some music to go listen to?" and I guess she felt bad about that and went onto say blah this about my dad and how he treated my brother ( I wish theyed all stand up to him. If he yells at me I yell right back.) I listened to Korn and some punk bands untill 10:26 when I remembered what she had said about me always listening to music.
So know I'm mad at both them and haven't made eye contact with my mom since about 7:00 last night. I don't even know where my dad is and I don't really care.
It's so hard because I got along with her for all weekend and my dad and I get along really well with him. Well used to.
I can't say if any of this is helping because I havent done anything else, but I hate to think what would happen if I kept all of everything in.

" the past is just the future with the lights on"-- +44.

P.S happy birthday Canada and my cat, both of whose birthdays were on Sunday.

Angels-quest

Firstly nice to have you back maria:)
Second, i'm sorry to of gone awol for so long you guy's.....when migraines come, i'm no good to anyone (well that will make a change!LOL)

You know what Maria, I read & re read your posts, and I still see the same. You are not bad, or selfish, or mean..maybe it feels easier to think you are that way. it's easier to show angst, than it is to put on a smile & pretend life is one big bowl of cherries.

I think sometimes you just want attention (I dont mean that in a bad way) I mean you want to be noticed, and whether it's negative attention, it's still attention you are getting.
Like if a puppy bites, you shout at it...yet it will keep biting, because whether you are shouting, or saying "oh good doggie" you are still giving some of your attention to the puppy. If that makes sense?

..and no, I'm not comparing you to a puppy!!
But thats what i feel. You are frustrated, you want your old life back, to be able to get along with your parents. but it is all spiralling out of your control, you feel mixed up, you are angry because your parents split, hell who wouldn't be....so it's easier for the anger to come out, to hit out....and you are being noticed, only still not in the way you want to really be noticed, to be heard.
All people see is an angry little girl, who dresse's different,and listens to annoying music...But people do not understand,which is why they pick at the silly things, like why you wear the swimsuit you do,or how you drag your feet.

Your Mum doesn't know how to deal with you (lets face it, most parents do not know how to deal with their teenagers. parents dont get an instruction booklet on how to be a parent....so probably in a funny kind of way, your Mum is as lost in this situation as you are. neither of you know, really what to do)

It wasn't your fault when you thought your Mum & Boyfriend were going to split up. You are going to dislike him, even if he is the nicest guy on earth to you, because he still is NOT your Dad.
But deep down hun, do you want your Mom to be happy?Because as awful as it is, your parents probably will not get back together, not because they do not love you, or your brother...but because they just fell out of love with each other..a life together would mean they would both just end up miserable.Ok,So i know you are miserable with the situation,i do understand that .
Someone very close to me,well her Dad died,awfully.Now her Mom has a new Guy...of course all she wants is her Mom & dad to be back together again, he will never be her Dad. But it isn't possible to ever have her Dad back, and she know's if this makes her Mom happy, then somehow, she has to live with that. I know too, in time you will find it a little easier too,but it does take time.

I dont know if any of what i said makes any real sense. But I do think you do not want to be this bad person that you feel you are. by being here, it was a cry for help. You have a lot of emotions, that you just do not know how to deal with right now. of course life would be much easier if you could talk to your Mom, but at the moment i think you just bounce of each other. She doesn't not love you, trust me on that. Your Mom literally doesn't know how to deal with you,and how you are acting.
Oh, and most Moms want a pretty little girl, they can dress up all girly...parents of Gay girls I have heard say they are disappointed that their Daughter was never girly, never wanted to wear dress'es...but they still loved their Daughters. It's the same for your Mom, she probably would prefer you in cute dresses, but it aint gonna happen, it doesn't mean for one minute she doesn't love you. I just think most Moms that have a baby girl, think of all the pretty things they can dress them up in (it's a mad woman thing!), no matter how old you get,you will always be her little girl.....even in our late 20's, our Gran was trying to get us into a "Nice Frock" (her old speak for a pretty dress!!) See, they never give up trying!

Be YOu, be different.If it makes you stand out from the crowd, then good.It's better to be different & comfortable in your own skin, than to be a sheep & follow everyone else.

We are always hear to listen, always. ...and if it helps that you just get to write it all down, then do it...even if you have to post 20 times a day, doesn't matter, if it makes you feel better.

You are such an intelligent girl for your age, really, you are astounding...and you could do so much. have you ever thought about writing books of some kind? Stories? Even if they were horror stories, you could get your anger out that way, and also they would probably be excellent books! I feel you have a talent somewhere there, and would be a shame to waste it.

Hang in there Girl, you reallly are doing so great & we are proud of how far you have come, even if you cant see it.

Please keep us posted, we like to hear from you, as you are important to us.
Hugs,

queenmaria

ok. Before I read what everyone wrte, I'm going to let out my happiness. I almost told someone! My freind and I met up at the fireworks (Indepenence Day) and we sat on a rock and taked the whole time. I was there with my dad and she asked where my brother and mom were (brother at home, mom at boyfriends. They are getting along just fine and went hiking that day) I made a nasty remark about that, so she started asking me questions and stuff. So I told her. She's the first person I've told about hiding in music, using it to build a wall around me or to pull everything down. I told her about how I felt about my mother. She said she uses books if shes feeling angry and she is more like her dad, which bugs er mom sometimes. This was good to hear because I had always looked at her family as how I wanted mine to be. Her mom and dad got along well, and she has a neat little sister (Amelia, I love yu! She kind of admires me I think. If I say something , like my constant saying 'yo' and 'dude', she picks it up. Its cool)My friend (lets say.... Jill) said at least your not suicidal or something. I mean you could cut your wrists *and thn she said something else that i didnt hear.* we talked about clothes and cliques. Jill said I belonged our group, the weird people. I decided I'd tell he I cut, so I asked her why she thought I wear long sleeves. she said she didnt know. The grand finale came so we couldn't hear each other. Then it was time to go before I could say why.
I also found these lyrics, from a The Unseen song 'Scream Out'
I lost control and hurt myself
I knew deep down that I needed some help
That self abuse it would not stop,
No matter how hard I tried
So I lied when I tried
To pull my life together

The songs about punk music makes him not cut anymore. In the video,the therapist can't do anything for the boy, but the boy listens to music to help himself.

NOW I will read all what people wrote.
Yes, I see myself wanting to be noticed. not just be 'that one chick', or 'its just a stage'. My mother has said 'I've never raised teenagers before'. I feel like telling her 'I've never been a teenager before' I've found this really pretty cuff that I've been wearing.

Now I've got to go because I'm suposed to be cleaning my room!

queenmaria

ok i'm going on vacation for the next 8 days. wow. dat is a vedy vedy long time. i am not going to bring any razors and i will only allow my self 2 safety pins. god, i never thought i'd have to say/write that. and i've decied to become a vegatarian.

Kaytee576

Hey Maria, Hope you have a great time on your vacation

SO pleased you are not taking any razors with you, It is a positive thing for you to say that, How have you been feeling?
So you have decided to become a vegetarian, I did try for a while but I did become quite poorly so please make sure you have the right sort of foods and vitamins in order to make up for what you lack as you will not be eating meat. (sorry I know I'm nagging

)
Hope you are OK sweetie and look forward to hearing from you soon! xxx

queenmaria

The vacation didn't turn out. It was my dad brother and me. We went home early. I'm worried about my brother. He seems to be adicted to his computer. I went to dinner with my mom and her boyfriend. After she said something about all the marker ony hands, she said " I noticed not veins but red marks on *brothers* arms but I try to stay out of it" What did she mean? He is hardly ever got off the computer and hasn't done anything with his friends all summer. Not that theres anything to do, and I guess girls get together more and he doesn't skateboard. What if he scrapes his arms? I would use my fingernails to scratch myself.
How am I feeling? I dont know. I'm so confused. Sometimes I feel so horrible but then I'm jumping up and down and happy. I screamed at my dad in public. And I called him a horrible parent. I go in the oppisite direction everyone (including me) tells me to. I am cutting less and thinking about it a bit less. but when I do cut its really bad.
Why did I cut when my brother (possibly) didn't and we've been through the same thing? Well maybe not. I feel so distant to everyone. Like ' youre my friend and all but all I'm telling you is who my crush happens to be' And I'm feeling ven more away from my family. I feel all this pressure from my parents and adults who know me. Like thing they don't say but are kind of like " I wish you weren't you. Listen to Justin Timberlake and shop at <insert preppy jocky megachain> Be normal!" My dad is kind of saying stuff about my weight and wanting me to get a boyfriend. I know I'm not heavy, and my friends tell me I'm not. I don'twant a boyfriend. I rock climb.
I have no idea where I'm going with all this. I already talked about to my friends and all they said was "of course your not fat! and guys are jerks anyways. "

So yeah. And my mother too has been saying all that stuff about nutrition and stuff. So maybe I'll go on an all candy diet

Angels-quest

Hey Maria,

So sorry the vacation didn't turn out

Ok, about the weight, i imagine as your friends say you are not FAT, so i would just enjoy what food you like (mmm, candy sounds good...ok, maybe not everyday as your staple diet for the next 50 years, but the next 20 years should be ok!!!Ha) Everything in moderation as they say (you know, those boring grown ups..)
Boyfriends, well if you aint bothered, then who cares if people think you should have one.It's not like having a pet, you just have to go get one from the petshop...you will have plenty of time to date boyfriends, but when you want too! Hey, do you think there are such things as 'Boyfriend shops'?!!
This is your life,you have to live it, and make your own choices. Yes you have to respect as much as you can what your parents say, or rules they may have. But you too are your own person, sometimes you will screw up real bad, other times you will get by just great.Parents are no different, they screw up too.

Maybe you are scared inside of feeling the same pain you felt when your parents split up? So you are pushing people away,not letting anyone get real close, because if you let them in, then they could hurt you all over again??
Often people act that way for that same reason, and do not realise it..it's a subconcious thing, to protect yourself.

I cant say why you cut & your Brother doesn't. Again, we are all different.I have three sisters in all, and believe me apart from me & Kaytee, none of us are a bit alike, or act even similar.
Do you think your Brother does have a problem too?
If he is shutting himself away alot on his computer, it doesn't sound so good. maybe he is 'escaping' the pain, by losing himself in his computer. He could feel just as awful about the divorce as you do maybe? But boys just often deal with things differently than girls,because he is quite & appears 'OK', doesn't mean that he really is.
Can you speak to him? Maybe it might break down a whole lot of barriers if you were able to talk to each other, about how you feel. But I also understand at certain times of our lives, we hate our siblings & talking to them...well, we'd rather fling ourselves off a mountain than converse!!

What ideally would you like to Happen Maria...if you could make the future what you wanted it, what would make you happy?

I'm so glad you are not cutting as much, that is so great & shows how far you have come.Although it helps ease the pain at the time, it just creates a lot more pain because you have the marks to cover, and the frustration that no-one seems to take notice of you.

Well we take notice Maria.
Only you have the strength withing yourself to make one of your hardest decisions ever, to open up enough, to feel you no longer need to cut.Oneday, you will feel that. But we all need a little love & support along the way.

Now, go get that candy it's calling your name!

Hugs,

queenmaria

M brother and I talk about the divorce. And everything. Telling each other who likes who in school. We gang up (sorta) on my parents. Kind of back each other up. I'm closer to him than to my friends (Oh God if he read this. Ahh!) But I did see his arms and there wasn't anything. I almost feel protective of him since he's shorter than me.
My future... well What I would want to see is my parents stop fighting with each other and my brother and I. We move out of this town and Nevada, to somwhere green and wet. My mother gets a high paying job so she doesnt worry about money. My dad moves too, and I stay with him whenever I want. he doesnt worry about money either. For me, I get my ears pierced and a bass guitar ( I'm saving up for one, but some shoes are trying toget me to spend all my money on them). I make lots of friends and so does everybody. All that scares me because I'm afraid I'd screw it up.

Angels-quest comared me to a puppy. I think It's kind of more like my cat. He eats grass for no particular reason, maybe he likes it, even though once he's done he knows he'll throw up. I become angry and do something, rip something up, cut, at first for no reason but when I could stop, i wont because I , as my mom puts it, "thrive on conflict". And what with each of my parents claiming I have the other ones temper (and they themselves perfectally calm

)
Yes i am afraid that someone would leave, right after the divorce I would become friends with anyone, because I needed someone to be there. Theres still that person in me, just shes getting pushed over by someone whos afraid. I split mysef up like that , I guess, so I can have someone o blame. "I didn't cut, it was her."

queenmaria

hey im on vacation. for like 2 weeks. srry i kinda forgot to tell people (like my friends, only 3 of them new i was leaving)i'm having fun, but school starts 4 days after i come back

Kaytee576

Hey Maria, sorry for the delay, so how did the vacation go? you have a good time? hope so and hope you are well xxx

queenmaria

school starts tomorrow! AAHHH!!!

. ok. bu first to the good news. i havent cut for a really long time! like for over a month and this morning threw everything to do with cutting out. yay!!i'vr kinda ditched the emo thing, I wear brighter colors. i didn't feel like cutting when something bad happened. so thats cool. and i got awsome new shoes pants shirts and hair. I went over to my friends house, with most of my friends, a

wait g2g tel more later!

queenmaria

ok well yeah. first day of school went fine (for once). I think my friends have dropped the emo thing , is what i was saying when i had to go. Except for one

. And its getting real annoying. " pull your hair out of your face. you look depressed." "when are you going to start drawing on your pants like the oher people like you?". So I've been treating her like I would my mother (ok, i admit maybe i havent been the perfect daughter. not that I'd say this stuff to her, but its the same kind of response i give her when shes gting on my nerves) like by pulling my hair more over my face, or acting like i agree with her and dont relize shes making a point. well I have to go (again) itll take forever to write anything!

queenmaria

First week of school is over and i still havent cut. its freaking me out though. like there is nooooo way this is going to last. youll fall even farther this time. i almost cut, but stopped. and self harm hasnt really stopped. I've been snapping a hair tie against my wrist and not even relising it till i look down and see all the red or someone says 'doesnt that hurt'. I was so nervous that someone would see the scars, i put cover-up on my arms and have been wearing about five million bracelets. I made this really dumb thing, a bracelet out of pirate bandaids (long story of where theyre from) and told myself i cant break it, and if i have to cut I'd have to cut through it which i cant do becuse I said I couldnt let it break. Its stupid but I like it, so I was showing it to everyone (not saying what it meant) and lots of people liked it. I'm feeling like everything is going to fast and I'm about to fall down a really tall cliff. Like a little voice is saying 'who are you kidding? Its a false front! go back to who you were. always changing. You went from goth to emo to the short lasted punk and now to indie. No wonder you cant trust yourself with sharp objects'. But I tell it to leave me alone, its just the bitter other half of me thats mad at not getting its way.

I hope that makes sense!!

Kaytee576

hi Maria, sorry for the late reply, It seems you have made some really positive steps the past few weeks and you should truly be proud of yourself.

I know it is hard, and it will take time, though you haven't cut for a while it is totally normal for the urges to still be there, its like quitting smoking the feelings for a cigarette do not disappear over night and like smoking this has become a part of your life something you depended on to feel better, but there has to be a time where we take a step back and want things to change. and you have taken that very big step already..it may not feel like it but the worst is over, you are being strong and I know you will get through this.

The trick is though it may feel impossible, to try not think about how long it has been and expect a fall, try to tell yourself you will win, you will not let the voice in your head beat you, you can do it you are stronger then you think.

Stick with the bracelets theres nothing wrong with wearing them if it makes you feel better, same as the hair tie it will not hurt you maybe make your skin a little red but dont be hard on yourself take one day at a time.

You feel you can see the cliff edge looming but pull yourself away from it, make your way back, we all change from day to day it is nothing to be ashamed of, if we always stayed the same life would be very boring.

Try to smile for me and remember we are always here whenever you need us, you can do it, just have faith and patience in yourself you have come so far and I know you will make it through the other side.

Take care hun xxx

PS, the bracelet you made sounds cool I want one! xx

queenmaria

School is scary! Rumor of a boy is seventh grade Pe being made to take off a wristband to tie up his hair and then refusing. when he finnally did he was sent to the office when the teacher saw cuts got me nervous. Luckily weve been alowed to stay in normal clothes for Pe since the school is new and the gym is finished. Its getting colder so my long sleeves arent to abnormal. The scariest is science (not just because of all the notes we take!) because when we do labs you have to takeoff your jacket and push up your sleeves. n this stupid thingwe do at the begining of the day you focus on some thing. This week was control. So of corse the teacher brings up "I've heard that some people acually hurt themselves to have control" big laugh from class. I've come so close to cutting plenty of times. And I'm kind getting mad at my friends more. Some of them are trying to get me to be more like them. One of them is saying I'll look back on me and laugh in 10 years. But I did tell some one! One of my new friends, was at a coffee shop drinking my pure exspresso shot (yummy!) and just old her "I used to cut" she said " so you stopped?" I told her yeah and we havent mentioned it again.

Kaytee576

hey maria, sorry to hear about the boy in P.E I wonder if it is true or nothing more then a rumor if it is true I feel sorry for the poor boy but maybe it is helpful in a way helping you to be aware and prepared though I do not think you have anything to be ashamed of with the cuts angel, And it also makes you realise there is probably lots of other people going through this

You say you have come close to cutting but you havent, you should be so proud, as I said before the urges will still be there but will fade with time as you become stronger and stronger as each time you fight it, I am so happy to hear how this has been going but dont be hard on yourself take one day at a time.

As for your friends wanting you to be more like them, NO NO you are you and you should be proud, they are probably jealous as they are all the same and it is so good to be different. (Id rather dress and be more like you any day! If my figure would let me DAMMIT)

I am glad you told someone, though you both never mentioned it again maybe it was as she wasn't quite sure what to say and was waiting for you to make the first move, maybe she is afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you but you did a big thing telling her a Brave thing and I am sure you can turn to her now if you need to.

Well im going to go and make a coffee...Hope I have helped a little, I do try but remember we are always here for you xxx

queenmaria

I burnt myself. My dad and I got in a big fight. Kind of this power struggle thing. We both refuse to give in. We fight about the stupidest things ("you slammed the door!" "No i didnt!" "The sky is blue! "No its not!"). Well I took out the matches that I'm not supposed to have (The pyro in me likes to make apperances and light stuff on fire). It was just my finger, but now I cant play my viola

. I said i accidentally picked up my straightening iron by the hot part. Which is very believable, I'm a klutz who touces the stive to see if its on. The girl I was talking about ,I'm hsnging out with more. All three groups of my friends are mad at ech other and mad at me for hanging out with the other. So I'm hnging out with my friend.. hmm I'll call her Jessica... and some guys at the skate park.

Kaytee576

Oh Maria you poor angel

so sorry to hear you are having a rough time, I am pleased you felt you could come on here and talk about what you did and that is a positive thing, by doing so you cant play your viola I think thats fates way, know it sounds weird but by not being able to do that did you think DAMMIT Im not gonna do that again?
I hope thats what you feel and don't be hard on yourself when things got real tough you didnt do what you would have a few weeks or more back and to me thats a good thing, not a good thing you burnt yourself but do you see what I am trying to say?

I hope you will be OK hun, its good you are hanging out with your friends, have lots of fun wish I had some to do that with!

Stay strong and remember im here for you xxx

queenmaria

Sorry I haven't been in for a while. I haven't cut yet still! i wanted to and tried to, but didnt. I still try to hit myself or bite myself, but using rzors is out. I want to cut when my parents get mad at me. its makes me feel like bad daughter. If i'm in trouble about grades or being out to late or jst in trouble, it makes me think that they wish they had a normal daughter (read:preppy).

good news though. I've found times when I don't want to cut or anything. Still afraid of PE. I've kept on using coverup on major scars. I'm trying to aviod the friends who still belive it is funny to make fun of my clothes and stuff. I feel way better without them. Accually hanging out with people who like the same stuff as me is a lot funner than talking about what we did in third period.

So I'm keeping

Oh crap G2G

Kaytee576

Hey Maria, so great to hear from you and so pleased you are doing so well, try to stay strong you are being very positive and that is a really good thing.
I think you have done so well and you should be proud as I know it must be very hard for you especially when you are going through tough times.
Always here for you xx

queenmaria

Well I've been doing really good. But Now I started doing something else. I've been pushing myself to hard. Like running till I puke or doing pushups or situps till I can't anymore. I tell myself its exercise and thats good, but i don't think its normal. I'm also not taking medications like asprin and stuff. So I can keep the headache. I don't think its healthy.

Kaytee576

Oh Maria, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, I am so glad you came to talk to us.
You are right to realise that what you are doing isn't good for you,
You have done SO well to stop harming yourself with the cutting, Sadly somehow in giving that up you have found another way to punish and cause yourself harm, I am no expert but I would say this is something many others have done and a normal reaction, it is just such a shame but NOT YOUR FAULT.

I think this more so when I read that you do not take medications so you can keep the headache and keep the pain, I feel the pain acts as a relief for you, whether you realise it or not you blame yourself for the past and whether it is in your conscious mind or subconscious the physical pain helps you to deal with the pain inside. I wish there was some way I could wash away all the bad times from inside your mind and make you see nothing that happened was your fault, Of course I wasn't there but this is how I feel from what you have told us in the past.

I may be talking rubbish as always

and I am only going by my own opinion.
You are probably suffering the headaches from pushing yourself too far, past your bodies limit.
Running till you are sick is NOT a good sign hun, your body is trying to tell you to slow down, do you sometimes feel dizzy too? faint? Are you eating?

Sorry to ask so many questions, As you said exercise is good but in moderation, you need to know your limits and push yourself to stop instead of to keep going. As hard as it all is I know you can do it, you have got through so much and you are stronger then you think.

Please let us know how you are if you want to I am always here for you.

Sending a hug your way xxx

thankyouforthesuggestionsandmylongparagraphoftelling

Well Done For opening up.

Hey maria

hey hunnie.

believe in yourself, you are amazing :)

Hey sweetie xxx