What to do?

viona · What to do?

It feels kinda strange sharing your darkest secrets with someone I've never met, but anyway here goes.
Since the death of our father in a drowning accident a couple of years ago, my mother has been unable to look after my brother and I which led to our grandmother taking us in. Now, our grandmother lives in a two bedroom house and my brother and I have to share the one bedroom.
In the beginning, sharing the bedroom with my brother was not out of the ordinary, as we shared one while living with our parents. However, over the past couple of months things have changed between us.
My brother turned thirteen in March and I seventeen in May. A couple of weeks ago, our grandmother was not home for the weekend, and something happened between my brother and I.
I am not exactly sure how it happened. We were play fighting, wrestling on our beds, when quite suddenly, my brother touched me between my legs. I was shocked that he did so, but did not resist either. We started kissing and it wasn't long before we had stripped each other naked and we had sexual intercourse. It was so enjoyable that we spent that night together.
Ever since then, my brother and I would wait until we think our grandmother is asleep, then he would come over and get into bed with me. We are very discreet about what we are doing, and are fairly certain that our grandmother do not suspect.
However, all the time that we have been having sexual intercourse, it was unprotected. Now I know, that at his age, my brother can not get me pregnant, and have told him so.
He is however, getting older, and might be reaching the age where he could impregnate me. What we would like to know is: What can we do to prevent a pregnancy?
I am only in Grade 9 now, and my brother in Grade 5, and obviously not by the means to raise a child now.

Kaytee576

Hi, Nice to meet you Viona and thank you for finding the strength and courage to talk about what you are going through right now.

I know this is not a easy situation for you to be in, I am not going to sit here and tell you what you are doing is wrong, I think you know both of you that what you are doing isnt ideal and a situation getting out of hand made things change between you and your brother, you have both had a very difficult time in the past of which I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and the upheaval of your lives.
Maybe you both found comfort in each other but this relationship between you both should be taken with much care, are you blood related brother and sister? Try looking into this situation online, I have read about it a lot so DO not feel like you are alone.

I must add that if your brother is NOT to young to get you pregnant, If he is sexually active and been through puberty it is very likely that he can get you pregnant.
I don't want to worry you I am giving you my opinion. And it is very likely if you do not use protection you could become pregnant, this wouldn't be idea at your ages as you said but not only that you would have to deal with the fact of you and your brother created another life and the secret would most probably come out.
Please think this over. see your doctor tell him/her you are sexually active they will NOT ask who with or for any details they can advise you on contraception, Or go to your local family planning clinic.

I wish you much luck and I am always here for you and try to help anytime. *hugs* kaytee xxx

viona

Hi,
I did not think you'd reply. Thank you for doing so. My brother and I have the same parents. You say you have read abouth this online. Can you tell me where?
I also have a couple of questions: 1. My brother and I are sexually active, so what is puberty? 2. Seeing that there is a chance that my brother might get me pregnant, what would be the best type of protection for us to use? 3. If we should go to the doctor, who of us should admit to being sexually active?
Viona

Kaytee576

Hey again, I would say you as the older of the two should go to the doctors to ask for advice on contraception, please don't be afraid that's what they are there for, ask for a female doctor when you book the appointment if you feel happier with this.
Also do you have family planning clinics where you are? there's aren't to talk bout having babies they do help with this but they can advise you about contraception.

http://www.childline.org.uk/Info/...?gclid=CODq75_nnZYCFQsZQgod9w295w
http://kidshealth.org/kid/grow/body_stuff/puberty.html
http://www.likeitis.org/puberty.html

There are some links that may help you with the puberty side of things, If you want to carry on having a sexual relationship you NEED to be careful, how about using condoms? I know some men are not happy about using these but they are the easiest option. If you do not want to use these please look into alternative things at the doctors, they can help, im sorry to go on but I feel a baby would be the last thing both of you need right now.
Below is a Great site I went on once, I had watched a programme here in the UK called cutting edge about a brother and sister relationship, I realized how little understanding there is for it and this has a forum, hope it helps, PLEASE let me know how things go if you feel you can and want to.
Good luck with *hugs* from me xxx

http://www.geneticsexualattraction.com/

viona

Hello again,
Thank for all the informative information you sent me. I found it all very helpful. I discussed the puberty thing with my brother, and yes, he's been through puberty, which means that we'll just have to be extra careful.
I have not been to the doctor as yet, but will do so once I have some money, which should be towards the end of this month. I have to agree with you, a baby is not something my brother and I can afford right now, so we'll have to find some sort of protection to use before he gets me into "trouble". I can only hope that nothing happens between now and my visit to the doctor.
I was surprised to see that there are other people involved with relatives, and just confirms that what we are doing isn't so wrong. Some of the stories there are very touching, and I for one really feel for these people, as I know what they are going through.
Any way, lots of love.
Viona

queenmaria

If you can't see a doctor soon, you may want to try the nurse at your school. He or she can give you advice on where to go and things. You don't have to be specific or anything, and the nurse won't tell anyone.

viona

Hi,
From my side I'm trying my best to be as cautious as possible. Just yesterday I got a condom from a friend of mine for my brother to use. But last night, when I tried to roll it on for him, he steadfastly objected, saying it wasn't something we had used previously, and he was hesitant using something he is not familiar with.
So last night, our sex was once again unprotected, even though I tried my best not to reach an orgasm with him. But I failed in this. Now I am wondering, seeing that my brother is afraid to use a comdom, isn't there some sort of protection I can use to help us?

Kaytee576

whether or not you reach orgasm you could still get pregnant, you may think you could be fine even if he pulls out before ejaculation but this isn't true either both of these things are myths and you could still become pregnant.
Okay then If he will not use a condom its a shame that its all put on you but can you see the doctor about going on the pill? I don't wanna sound harsh but SOMETHING has to be done hon, or it is a fact there is a very high chance you will become pregnant, I don't want to worry you but I hope you understand what I mean?
Good luck please keep in touch and take care xxx

viona · Us!

I did not realise that there are such a lot of thing one must look out for when being sexually active! I had no idea.
It is now almost two months since my brother and I first had sexual intercourse. For every night of these two months, we would wait until we think our grandmother is asleep, then my brother would come over and get into bed with me. Everything is still fine with both us, nothing out of the ordinary has happened! Our grandmother suspects nothing.
During these two months we've shared our most intimate secrets, and when I told him the other night that I have fallen in love with him, he said he felt the same. I nearly cried.
I really enjoy being with him, and mentioned to him that even though we've been intimate for all this time, the two of us have never gone out on an actual date. Money has always been a problem for us, but I promised him that as soon as I have some, we'll go out on a date, maybe dancing.
I love dancing, and if it is possible for me, I'd like to become a dancer one day. But for now, I just enjoy being with my brother and sharing everything that I have with him. I cannot see myself being able to carry on without him. I love him too much!

queenmaria

I think you should tell your brother that most people use condoms, and he really needs to try it. It would majorly suck for you to get pregnant now! A girl who I was friends with a long while back got pregnant and has had to drop out of school because of it. She is in grade 9 too.
Its wonderful how much you love your brother. I have a twin brother, and we are best friends ( which is good, seeing as 10 years ago I was biting him and he would pull out my hair when we fought

)

viona · Thanks for the great advice

The past week was a difficult one for me. I was off sick from school with the flu for the whole of this week.
I am nauseas and vomiting in the morning, but it seems to clear by midday. I feel much better now, and I just thought I'd let you know that everything thing is still fine.
I am also glad to announce that I'm finally on the pill now, and that I finally feel more relaxed and at ease.
After a hard and difficult year, I'm really looking forward to the December break. It will be nice to be able to sit back and take it easy.
I'd love to thank the people who responded to my post, and for the truly good advice. It has been a great help.

queenmaria

Thats great that you're on the pill! I hope you feel better soon. I don't really want to say it, but are you sure the sickness isn't morning sickness? It could also be the birth control. I've heard that when you first start it you can feel pretty sick.

P.S I can't wait for winter break either! Me and my friend are going to a concert!

Kaytee576

I agree with Maria Wise words as always

Viona Im really glad you are feeling a bit more positive, Please know we are ALWAYS here for you!

viona · Worried!

Hi guys,
Now you've got me worried. I'm still sick in the mornings. What is it I should be looking out for?

queenmaria

Sorry for taking so long for replying to you! I don't know too much about morning sickness, but one of my friends is pregnant. She says it is feeling like you want to throw up when you smell food. And then wanting to eat that food!
I googled it and I think it is generally just nausea, often triggered by smells.

Hope everything is going well!

viona · Worried

I am doing really well, but am a bit worried. I think I might be pregnant, but am unsure. I'm still sick in the mornings, and seem to have gained some weight. Is there some test kit I can buy to put my mind at ease.

queenmaria

Yes, you can probably find one at a grocery market. I've seen them in covenience stores too. I believe that if you are under 18 you can get them for free at Planned Parenthood. I don't know if you have one there, my town doesn't.

It could also be from the birth control, I've heard of it making you gain weight. I will check with some friends.

viona

I'm getting ready for a new school day. Not some thing I'm really looking forward to. I am still very worried. Please see what you can find out for me. I am still on the pill and still active. What should I do if my worst fears are realised?

queenmaria

I hope you have a good day. I'm getting ready for bed here

.

If it does turn out that you are pregnant, and if you cannot take care of a baby, then adoption or abortian are possibilities. I would say talk to your doctor again. You might feel more comfortable with a female doctor, or a pregnancy specialist.
I asked some friends and one said that it is possible that the birth control may be making you feel sick and gain weight. She said that if that is true you should switch to a differant type of pill.

queenmaria

Sooo I talked to my friends, they said, yes it it quite typical for you to feel sick and gain weight when first taking BC. Also that you should not have sex for the first month you are taking it, so your system can regulate out. Also that if you are pregnant, the BC will just make you feel sicker.
Hope some of that helps!

Ps, When I looked up morning sickness it said that you usually don't begin to experience that until you are at least 4 months along.

viona

Thank you Maria for all the hepful information. I've only been on the pill for a month now, but still had sex during this time. Could this be part of the problem? A question I'm asking myself is: if my weight gain is from the pill, could I have gained all this weight in just one month?
You say one only experience morning sickness when four months pregnant - we only started having sex some three months ago, so I should be okay then.
I still feel terrible, I feel nauseas and vomit in the mornings, but this usually clear by midday. Do you think it would help for me to stop having sex for a while? I don't think "you know who" would be happy with this idea though.

queenmaria

You might want to try that. Just for a short while, and see if it helps anything. Tell him that just to be safe, you guys will stop for a week , and see if it helps you. How much weight have you gained? It may be from the pill and other stuff. I know that I don't get enough exercise when it starts getting colder (I'm sure the cookies don't help either

)

I think you should take a pregnancy test anyways. If the sickness is still there you should see the doctor and see if you can get on a differant type of birth control, one that agrees with you more.

viona

Hi Maria,
I feel very tired. I just want to sleep. I do not know what is wrong with me.
My breasts seem to be bigger and so is my tummy, although I'm the only one noticing.
I am worried!

queenmaria

I don't really want to say this, but you really sound pregnant. You need to talk to your doctor or take the pregancy test. I wish I could teel you more, but I don't know much. I wish you lots of luck and I'm here for you!

viona

Hi Maria,
I bought the pregnancy test a couple of days ago, and have been putting it off for all this time. I finally did the test earlier this evening, and it shows I am pregnant. I am at a complete loss for words, and do not know what to do.
As yet I have not told my brother, but realise that I'll have to some time. This will kill my grandmother, and I'll have to be very careful. Any suggestions on how I should proceed further?

Kaytee576

Viona I am sorry to hear the difficult time you are going through right now. I know it must seem like your world is in total chaos right now and I wish there was something we could do or say that will really help you.
All I can do is advise and tell you my opinion and I hope that you know you can turn to us on the forum anytime.
How are things since your last post? I really feel you need to talk to someone. Is there anyone you can see at your doctors? can you make an appointment with the doctor and talk about your options? I know this is a daunting thing but you do not have to tell him what has happened but he maybe able to find you a counselor or support worker who can help you and offer you someone to talk to.
Do you have any adult friends or family you can speak with? you need someone to support you at this time.
The decision to tell your brother rests with you but you both went into this relationship together and its something you shouldn't have to deal with alone.
I wish you luck and please come talk to us anytime.
Here for you.
<3 Kaytee xxx

viona

Hi Kaytee,
Right now, things are very difficult for me, and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All the advice you guys have been giving me about birth control has come to nought. I was most probably already pregnant by the time I asked for your advice, but still I'd like to thank you for all the helpful advice you've given me.
I cannot think of one adult I can turn to for help, other than my grandmother. Whether she'd understand, is of course an entirely different matter. How do I tell her that I had sex with my brother and am now expecting his baby.
I know that a lot of people would criticize me for having sex with my brother, but you'd never know how much I love him. I enjoy being with him, I enjoy sharing my love with him. I'll have to find a way of telling him that I'm expecting his baby.

queenmaria

Sorry for the late reply, I've been busy.

You do need to tell your brother, and then decide what to do with the baby. Whatever your relatives or friends say, the choice is in the end up to you. I have had a friend since 2nd grade, and she recently had a kid. A little boy and he is adorable. she is still going to school while her mother and grandmother take care of him. In your case you need to think through if you can afford a baby right now, and if you are prepared for the responsibility. I don't know lots about abortion, but if you cant keep the baby that is an option. If you do not want to do that or can't, adoption is an option too.You would probably end up missing about 3 months of school. That is what my friend did. She was pretty round in the end. This is an enormous thing to be dealing with and you seem incredibly brave.
You could try talking to your school counselour. The couselour for my grade is pretty cool, and most are not aloud to blab about what they have been talking about to you. A friend or friend's mom may also be good to talk to.

<3 <3
Maria.

viona

Hi Kaytee and Maria,
I would like to use this opportunity of wishing you the best over the coming festive season and everything of the best for the new year!
With Christmas upon us, I've decided to keep my secret a little while longer and only share it with my brother in the new year.
The other night he commented on the fact that I am putting on weight, but I said that this was due to the birth control. He then said that he felt guilty about this, as this would not have happened to me if he used a condom instead of expecting me to use the birth control. If only he knew.
Just thought I'd let you know I am OK. The morning sickness appears to be subsiding and is no longer such a big headache.
I am starting to notice other changes in my body and need to discus this with you guys. If you're willing to help, please let me know.

queenmaria

Of course I will listen! And happy holidays toyou too! I hope you have a great next year!

viona

Hi Maria and Kaytee,
How are you guys? I hope that you are all well.
Schools re-open this coming Wednesday for us. I, of course will not be returning to school. I'll most probably do so after I have given birth.
I have not told anyone about my pregnancy as yet. I've been wearing loose clothes to hide my tummy. "Someone" asked me about my weight gain, but I just said it was due to the birth control I'm using. I have of course stopped using the pill, as it is by now way too late.
I feel really good, and is starting to look forward to having the baby. I am though, starting to suffer from plenty of not-so-fun stuff like back pain, swelling fingers and feet, nosebleeds and stuffy nose, and am always tired. Is this all normal?
I think I have reached the stage where I'll have to tell my brother, find out from him what he thinks, and how the two of us should approach telling our grandmother. Not something I'm looking forward to. Any advice?
Just a couple of things guys: I have not been to a doctor as yet. I have saved up some money, and will most probably go see him some time this week. What should I tell him? Should I tell him who the father is? If it is at all possible, I'd like him to check for any birth defects. This is important to me, as I would not like our baby to suffer from birth defects.

Kaytee576

hey Viona, I was wondering how you are? hows things since your last post? im sorry for the late reply, did you see the doctor? Always here for you and hope you are ok xxx

viona

Hi Kaytee,
I thought you guys had forgotten about me!
I am fine. Thank you very much for the concern. I've been to the doctor, and I am 17 weeks pregnant, and I am gaining weight at a rate. The changes I am experiencing is difficult for me to get used to, but I guess I have no choice but to learn to get used to it.
I told my brother, and even though he is very supportive, there is nothing he can really do. He is sooo sweet! The secret though, is still ours.
I also told our grandmother - did not have much of a choice, but blamed it on some boy from Walvis Bay who toured Windhoek with his school football team. For now this is holding up, but do not know for how long. It would kill her if she should find out the truth.
I realise that there are so many things I must still do, but I intend doing everything to the best of my ability. I intend having this baby, and raising it to the best of my ability. I also know that I have the support of a certain someone who unfortunately have to stay in the background for now.
There is something VERY personal I'd like to ask you, but do not know if it would be wise to use this forum. Please let me know.
Lots of love.

Angels-quest

Hi Viona,
Sorry I am late to this post. How are things now? I'm so sorry to hear that you became pregnant, I know it was a difficult thing for you to face. Did you manage to tell your Grandmother? I know how difficult it is at the moment for you, but you really need to talk to someone about your pregnancy. Maybe you could confide in a nurse, or teacher?? You may of done this already, as I am late in adding to this. You do need to get checked out, and have scans. Because you & your Brother are obviously related, it could cause problems for the baby (and I do not mean to worry you) There is a risk that the baby could be born deformed or with problems, this may be a small risk, I would not like to quote. But you really need to seek some proper advice.
Please let us know how you are doing now.
Hugs xx

Angels-quest

Gosh, sorry if I mentioned things you had already done Viona, for some reason one of your messages went missing until after I had posted!
Ok, do not post anything you are unsure of here...But you can pm either Kaytee or myself (click on pm) . I am Kaytee's sister, so we work hand in hand on here. If you PM either one of us, that will be private, just between you & Kaytee, or you & Me.
Hope that helps.
It's very important you at least tell the doctor who the father is, because they need to know to be able to do the right kind of scans. They should keep that information to themselves, but you can double check & ask them if what you say is confidential.
Good luck.
Hugs xx

viona

Hi guys,
Thank you for the response. I agree with you that I need someone to talk to, and that is the reason why I am contacting you. I haven't told the doctor who the father is, and must admit that I am scared to do so. Isn't there some other way I can get him to do these tests?
My grandmother is accompanying me on my visits to the doctor now, and even though she is not happy with the pregnancy, she is quite supportive. My mother has found out that I'm pregnant, but there hasn't been any sort of response from her.
The other person in my life is back at school, is as supportive as ever, and has indicated that he is looking forward to the birth of our baby. I am so happy with him, and just wish that we could be a normal couple like others. But for now, what we have is enough for me.
I've been thinking that maybe, in a couple of years time, when we are able to care for ourselves, that we could move to another city where no-one knows us, and that we would be able to lead the normal life we are hoping for.

Kaytee576

Hi Viona. Nice to hear from you and I am pleased to hear all is going well, I know this isn't an Ideal situation for you but its great to hear your positives you are taking from it and the plans you are making for your future.
If you do not feel comfortable with telling the doctor you need to do what is right for you. I am sure many tests will be done as they would anyway to see how the baby is doing and they will be able to see how he/she is getting along in your scans. I am not a doctor and I haven't yet had children myself so I am not too sure what other scans they could do if they were to know the truth but I will look into this for you see if that helps in anyway.
I wish you so much luck and please let us know how you are getting along. I know it is VERY hard for you and we are always here for you any time.

viona

Thank you, Kaytee, for your kind words. I await your reply on the scans.

viona

Hi guys,
Just to let you know that both the baby and I are fine. I am already half way through the pregnancy. I'm already in my twenty-first week.
We are still having sexual intercourse, and I was just wondering: Is it still safe for us to have sex? Or will it be detrimental to our unborn child?

queenmaria

Congratulations! I don't think it would be harmful for the baby. Just remember to eat very healthily and not to take medications unless prescribed. Do you know the gender yet?

viona

Hi Maria,
Thank you for the quick reply.
Yes, we do know the gender of the baby. It is a boy, and we've already decided on a name.

Kaytee576

Aww Viona thats lovely

I'm so glad all is going well

Have you had any scans yet? Im so happy to hear you and the baby are healthy and a little boy too how wonderful.
Having sex whilst pregnant does not harm the baby as far as I am aware but remember to be careful I know this baby will be a blessing to you but I am sure you wouldnt want to go through this again anytime soon, by be careful I mean once the baby is born maybe you can look into the best form of contraception that suits you both.
I wish you lots of luck!

Maybe these links help too?
http://www.associatedcontent.com/...ou_need_to_know_about_having.html
http://www.firsttimepregnancy.com/cid_8.html
http://www.mothersbliss.com/

viona

Hi Kaytee,
So nice to hear from you again, and thanks for the links.
I've had some scans done, but do not know if these "cover" my particular situation. So far, everything seem to be OK. Let's hold thumbs!
Although things in general are OK, I hate the fact that I'm living a lie. I so much want to tell our grandmother the truth, but unfortunately can't.
Maybe some day, when all this is behind us... who knows? I am hopeful!

viona · Hi!

Hi Guys,
I hope you are all well. I have not heard from you in a while, and I am unsure if you stil monitor this site.
Anyway, just to let you know that we are doing fine. My delivery date is 15 July.
Thank you for everything!

queenmaria

oh that is great? do you know if everything is ok with the baby? ANd have you made it clear to your brother that you can't get pregnant again? Well wishes your way!

Kaytee576

Hi viona, yep were still here

im sorry ive had a weird few months myself and im sorry I wasnt around for a little there.
Wonderful news you have a delivery date

aww you must be so excited though I know its a little scary at the time.
I agree with Maria I hope you agree yourself too that your brother and yourself will need to become aware of what contraception you could use as you dont want to find you have this to go through all over again. I dont mean that in a nasty way but I hope you get what im trying to say.
Hows things now? try not to stress about telling others the truth I know its hard but you have a lot to deal with right now, when the time is right to explain to people if you want to you will know.
Take care sweetie and much luck sent your way xxx

viona · Hi

Hi Kaytee and Maria,
It's nice hearing from you again - I thought you might have abandoned the site.
I am in week 33 of my pregnancy, and carrying around an awful amount of weight. So in that sense, there is some difficulty at the moment. Other than that, we are all fine, and really loking forward to our big day.
We are still in the same bedroom, not that we'd want it any other way. There was a time when we stopped being intimate, thinking that it might be harmful to our baby, but soon learnt that this is not so. Since then we are being intimate again.
I've been for a couple of test and all were positive. Our baby is healthy.
We had ultrasounds ordered as well as other prenatal testing that would provide identifiers had there been a defect. I did have everything that was made available to me, including amnio, and it was fine. I loved seeing these little jumping beans on ultrasound frequently, and we even chose to pay for a 3D/4D ultrasounds so we'd have photographs and video of our unborn baby, which is sooo cool! It was a magnificent experience!
Sometimes at night my brother would lie with me in bed, his hands on my tummy, wanting to feel his child move inside me, and when it does, you should just see how excited he gets. WE both know that our child is a blessing from God, and He would never intentionally harm our baby.
Obviously we do not want another child soon, so we'll be practising safe sex. We are thinking of leaving home and moving to a new city where nobody knows us. Perhaps, in this way, we'll be able to live normal lives with our baby.
Thanks for everything guys!

Kaytee,
I hope that things are a bit better for you by now. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.
Viona

viona · Hi

Hi Kaytee and Maria,
Just to let you know that I spent the past five days flat on my back in a hospital bed. I went into labour on Sunday, 5 July. Our baby is so cute. You won't believe how beautiful he looks. All is well, with all of us. Hope you guys are doing well.
Love.
Viona

queenmaria

That is so good to hear! I'm glad that he is healthy and safe.

What to do?

Us!

Thanks for the great advice

Worried!

Worried

Hi!

Hi

Hi