thankyouforthesuggestionsandmylongparagraphoftelling

queenmaria · Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 11:01 pm Post subject:

oh no! that sounds awful (awfully funny though). i hope so though. but now someone i know ,sort of, knows i cut too. in p.e (the horriblest class. horriblest isn a word but its the only description i have) im crossing my arms so the cuts are less visible. but i cant cover them all. a girl reaches out and grabs my arm. 'holy crap! cutter. and they said i was bad' she showed me a couple scars on her wrist. i pulled my arm away, but everything i thought of to say when this happened slipped out of my mind. 'its nothing' i said 'cutter' she said. 'i dont. im not. i fell.' i turned away ' dude what did you do to your arms' she said. ' i didnt'. i hid for the rest of pe but that is hard. so people do call me cutter. it reminds me of everything people say.
' across is emo, down is goth'
from girl to other girl (both popular)'do you cut?' ' yeah but once. it hurt'
giving themselves eraser burn 'ha ha we hurting ourselves. haha look i made a smiley face. haha were emo' then saying when id try to hang out with them later that day ' you cant hang out with us. you dont hurt yourself'

i grabbed one ofhe safety pins that were part of my outfit and poked myself till i forgot everyone was there. im so invisible. maybe i should wear something brihter than dark blue-gray and black. its so hard. the goth kids dont accept me cause i dont wear giant black and red pants. not that i want to be one. they gossip and chat and hug each other and talk about lipstick. my friend told me that they keep me in their group because im funny. they said that if i stopped being funny theyd kick me out. i dont feel better cause someone knows because they didnt accept me they just called me cutter. her scars were old, from about 4 months ago at least. and there were only a few. whats wrong with me that makes it worse?

_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Laff Agent · Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 11

Hi Maria-

I'm glad you thought the toilet story was funny. It's not everybody who can appreciate a good sh*t on the shoes story

It's great that your funny with your friends too. I've got a pretty wierd sense of humor myself. Hey, did you notice I put up my avatar? What do you think? I don't know how I forgot to do that when I first came here because I take that sort of creepy looking clown guy with me everywhere I go.

The girl in PE sure acted like an idiot, but you saw she had done it also. You're not alone in having those feelings, it's important to remember that.

You know what Maria? I hate labels. You're not emo or goth or cutter or anything like that, the only label that's you is Maria (or anything else that YOU like to be called). I hate labels because everybody is different, everybody is unique. All the goths aren't alike, so what does it mean to just say "you're a goth"? What does it mean to say "you're a cutter"? It doesn't mean anything, it's something you do not something you are. One day you won't do it anymore. You'll still be Maria.

Somewhere back in the introduction thread in this forum I listed my labels. I think I did that just to say "Hey, I qualify to be here. I can identify with people who are dealing with things because I'm dealing with my things". But I don't wear them as labels and I don't want other people pinning them on me. You, my dear, don't need to wear any label that somebody puts on you.

You're not invisible either. We can see you even through this stupid computer. Today we found out you're funny, that's more of you we can see. That's really great, really great

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Ha...Laff Agent, that was a very funny story!!! Is that what they call toilet humour? Had me in stitches, just had a vision of it

Maria,
I agree with Laff Agent, the girl in P.E was a total idiot, and she should know better. but it's so true when they say kids can be cruel.
usually people mock what they dont understand, so it just goes to show what little understanding she really has about things...more suprising as she did it herself (but then she is probably embarrassed, so by turning all the attention onto you,means it takes it away from her. because unlike you, she cant face up to the reality.)

Secondly, another thing we agree on..I HATE labels too

If we were mean't to have labels, we would of been born with them stuck on our foreheads!
Again, people with little understanding of things, people with small minds use labels.Everyone is different & unique. As Laff Agent said you are Maria...not any of the labels you have been given, you are YOU, a unique & special person.

I was given labels at school too, because i was quiet, i was odd, wierd, gay (never quite understood that one!?). i felt a nobody, but then if it mean't being a 'somebody', with people like that as my friends, i'd rather be a nobody!
Sometimes I still do feel invisible, I'm just that daft one, the dizzy one, that can make people smile...still no-one see's beyond that. Whatver I do, I feel like Oh yeah you did well...but 'so & so' did far better.
All I'm trying to say is, you are not alone, all over the world there are many of us, that feel we do not fit in. So you are NOT abnormal, weird & all those other labels...you are still you, and you are NOT alone.

Ha, my keyboard doesn't much like me either...it tricks me. Every time I try putting an '&' symbol in, it usually comes up with a number 7. When I check,look up at the screen, it will stick in an '&' in for good measure...I stop checking and end up with 7's everywhere

.....It's now a standing joke between me & Kaytee576, because every email i have sent, it is full of 7's & not and's!!!

I so give up!

Laff Agent....your Avatar is soooo scary!! I have this kinda phobia with, erm clowns. To make it worse, I watched Stephen Kings 'It' film once

...OMG, never in a million years again, it confirmed my killer clown theory.....and yet now, it has come back to haunt me! I will have bad dreams forever, and it's gonna be all your fault!

(a nice puppy dog would of been soooo much better LOL)

queenmaria · Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 3:59 am Post subject:

Arrgh. I hate labels too. Im surrounded by them though. This is year is the first time labels are being applied majorly. I was popular in second grade, ok in third, losing it in 4th, back in 5th, down in 6th, and now im out. not in or out. i tried to stay like that. Sometimes i feel horrible about what i say to other people and ill fret about it till i can make it up to people. i told a girl i had shoes like hers when i was six and i felt bad about it and avoided her till she asked for a pencil and i gave her all mine to make up for it. ill say something bad about someone and feel sorry for that kid and sed them good thought waves. or ill try to avoid this really cool kid who is very unpopular. hes really cool and i want him to be my friend but im afraid to talk to him because everybody doesnt like him. if i could choose my label id be pirate. i am very pirate. not of the caribean but you know argh walk the plank dude pirate. Ive found that visualising the cuts on my arm is helping. then they can go deep and bleed and not leave a mark. I have a phobia too. Im afraid of hamsters. i love gerbils, mice but im totally freaked out by hamsters. i got a dancing singing hamster once and another one later and they scare me so bad. well i have 2 minutes till i must be off the computer or my keyboard shall be confiscated.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Laff Agent · Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 11

LMAO

What a pisser!!

Pirate Maria: ARRrrgggh matey. Turn over yer ship at once or I shall insert yer shoes in yer skanky butt and throw you in the brink.

other pirate: rrrrrrRRR. Fear me Pirate Maria. My sword is sharper, my musket more powerful, my crew more dasterdly.

Pirate Maria: Your weapons don't scare me, I will rip you limb from ....EEEEEKKK a hamster ... OH MY GOD!! ... abandon ship!!!

queenmaria · Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 10:42 pm Post subject:

Okay that was so funny. I laughed.

_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

queenmaria · Posted: Tue May 01, 2007 11:52 pm Post subject:

told someone today. but after she left

. I was walking back from lunch with my friend talking about something and she said 'do you like cutting all over your arms?' i asked her what she was talking about and she said 'you always cover your arms. do you like cutting all over your arms?' i told her i didnt like t-shirts. then we went our seperate ways and i said i wasnt sure. so i toldish. i dont feel like the other to girls at my school who cut. one is the one who first spotted them on my arms. the other is her friend who was telling her yesterday (and showing her the scratch on her wrist) and they seemed to feel proud of it.

But im not sure if i am or not. its kind of like ' see maria, your powerful, you can hurt yourself' but then its ' oh come on, you have to cut to be real?'
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hi Maria,
I'm sorry I am a little confused, Did you leave it at that when you told your friend you don't like t-shirts or did you actually tell her about the reason you cover your arms? Sorry I am daft!

You said the two girls were talking about cutting as if they are proud of it, Maybe it isn't that though it could be that they just feel comfortable talking about it together, Maybe they feel As they both have done this before they have nothing to hide as they are both going through it so they can talk to each other as one knows how the other feels, does this makes sense?

Also this friend that first noticed the cuts probably knew what it was as she had been there herself, Do you think maybe you could talk about it with these girls?
It wouldn't mean you are all proud of it, It would just mean that you all can talk openly about it and your experiences as you are all going through this for different reasons.
Also did you ever get around to talking to the friend of yours who was religious? you mentioned here in a post, I don't remember you saying either way.
I REALLY hope you are OK and that things are getting better for you, I am here for you we all are and I am sending big hugs your way.
Take care sweetie xxx

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Hey Maria,

Nice to hear from you again, i was wondering how you were doing & I was still thinking about your beans post

Ok, it's a great start that you told your friend. maybe the fact that she walked away doesn't mean she doesn't care, or doesn't like you anymore...but maybe she didn't know the right words to say. But maybe after a night to think about it, she will respond to you better. I guess not everyone has the answers & deals with it differently. I hope she will support you, once she has had some thinking time.

Also, the friend that asked about you not wearing t-shirts, means that at least she has taken notice. I'm hoping she will be there for you, as you said you kinda told her & kinda didn't. But sounds like she is pretty smart, so i guess she notices either way. That's good, someone notices.

Maybe the other girls feel like it's a cool thing to do, as it seems to be something that is very talked about in your school I have noticed. So maybe they feel to fit in, they have to make out like they are going through it too. Or they are mocking, either way, it's because they do not understand it properly.

Yes, it is a kind of power thing. As i once said to you before, most addictions, habits etc...are the one thing we feel we are controlling, as our lives spiral out of control in ways we cannot help. So yes, you feel powerful, this is something you can do, and no-one can tell you what to do, or take it away from you. BUT...i think if you were really proud of it, then you would be displaying your arms for all to see, wouldn't you? So covering them means part of you isn't proud, and wants to not be doing it anymore....you want the help, but are not sure how to get it, because no-one much seems to listen to you lately.

It goes much deeper than the scars on your arms.It is what is at the root of them all, what started all this in the first place....I think you said it began when your parents split? So that is the stem of all the problems you are feeling, and it's that,that somehow needs to be dealt with.Which isn't easy when your Mom doesn't seem to hear what you are trying to tell her.
You know, when I had a breakdown, i was told only i had the pwer to help myself. It sounded stupid at the time, and i thought how the hell can i??But then little by little i realised that it wasn't me controlling the obsessions i had, it was them that were controlling me...and somehow i had to take back control of my life. Sounds easy? Well it isn't & it takes time.I think one-day you might see it the same with you, and that you can be strong enough to take back control, because you are powerful, in mind. You are very strong minded & determined, i get that from your posts. No it wont be as easy as waking up one day & saying right that's it, i'm not going to do that anymore...end of story. But if you are determined enough, your stuborness with take over & you will think "I'm not going to let this control me anymore". As I said it's going to take time, and some support along the way will be a big help to you, as it is to any of us.

No matter how old we get, we all need someone to listen & understand.
As Kaytee said, did you talk to that other girl in the end, the religious one, who wanted to be your friend? Be interested to hear if you did.

I know you do want to stop, and I know deep within you, you do have the strength, you just have to find it. I have learn't that you are a very strong character, and you wont be beaten by much!

It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all do things we know are not good for us, we all have had problems that we haven't known how to deal with. It doesn't make you weak, or stupid, it makes you human. No-one is perfect, only those that think they are.

You will win this battle, because you are a warrior at heart.

Keep us posted, cos we all care how you are doing.

Hugs,
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

Laff Agent · Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 11

Hi Maria-

No funny stories today, I've just been working too hard. Hey, do you like things like scary movies?

queenmaria · Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 12:25 am Post subject:

today was a crappy day. i was crying before school even started. woke up late, big argument with my mom, didnt have my homework done, teachers gave me grief for that.

is it wierd to laugh when you feel like crying? everyday i have to try not to cry and i dont know why. i get so upset at almost nothing and i feel like im about to fall off the edge of the world. ive been called little miss mood swing by one of my more argumentive friends. everyone else around me always seems to have their emotions in check instead of always changing.

yes i like scary movies.

my friend walked away before i told her. i told her after she had gone toward her class. it is talked about in my school, but like 'like anyone would do that. theyre just crazy if they do.' so people know what it is. I hate it when they say it with that little smirk ' your not cutting yourself are you?'. i relize that my friends do notice but not my closest friends. my two closest friends (the religius girl and another) dont seem to notice. i started to talk to the preppy one and asked her if i seemed different than i had been. and she said that i was like i always was and didnt understand why people called me emo. so i kind of lost courage. its people that im ok friends woth that take my safety pins because they think i could use them against myself.

this didnt start at the divorce. it is kind of because it but i was 11. my mom moved out when i was in 5th grade, and she got divorced and bought the house in 6th grade, just before halloween. it hurt me because she had promised that she never would get divorced and she saw that my brother and i cried when she mentioned it. i was mad at my dad because he didnt try to make it work. it kind of crushed my hope of them getting together again. im still bitter about it. i kind went into this dark phase and started got rid of who i was before. that was in 6th grade, about after christmas. i was really the only person in my elementry school who was like me (i went to the prep school, the rich school.) thats when it started.

the girl who first noticed them isnt my friend, she is just someone in my pe clas.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

queenmaria · Posted: Wed May 09, 2007 11:44 pm Post subject:

A boy has been making fun of my moods. I'll walk into class and he'll say hi. I will glower at him, be happy, or something in between. Then he'll go off saying watch out for Maria she's being goth/emo/on drugs. At the end off class he'll do the same thing but saying bye instead. By then my mood will have changed. Nobody really listens to him, but it makes me feel all wierd because then I'm the only one who seems to be moody. I've always been different and made fun of for being Canadian,a twin, liberal, listening to different music, and having 'wierd' clothes, but I was okay with all that because I chose to be like that (I couldn't really control being Canadian or a twin but I'm still fine with it) but I don't control my moods.

Another kid asked me if I was emo because I wasn't talking to him. I told him I was a pirate. I guess I'm kind of obsessed with this emo thing or not. I mean all of my friends seem to have they're labels. One of my friends is the queen of giving them out. She asked me when this punk stage is going to end. But I dont feel like I fit in with my friends. I've been hanging out with them less and less. They all seem farther away from me than before. Rich, calm, smart. None of them have divorced parents and don't really seem to get it ('oh! you must be so happy! two of everything!' gah!! SHUT UP). For about a year I hung out with other people than I had been. So those friends and my old friends are constantly fighting and expecting me to chose sides.

I'm mad at myself for not being able to tell anyone I cut. So I can get help? I don't think I need 'help'. But people who cut are generally told that they must be crazy and they have a disease that can be cured by taking pills. iIn a music video in order to make the setting gothic and scary they put razor blades in the snow.

I have no idea what I'm saying.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hey Maria.
I am sorry to hear about this boy in your class, Sounds to me like he REALLY needs to grow up! They say that people make fun of others as they have an insecurity about themselves but it isn't nice for you.

Sounds to me you are doing the right thing so far, Even though it is getting to you do not let him see that, Act as if you are not bothered by what he says Laugh at him As if he is the twit (Which he IS!) and Eventually Im sure he will get bored and sadly move onto picking on someone else.
He is the sad one who takes pleasure in picking on someone else I bet he is FAR from perfect.

I hate labels But sadly you cant seem to get through life without one

I have been labeled many things but somehow you have to think that if thats all these certain people can say about me then they are not worth knowing and can get lost.
You are your own Amazing Person NOT a label.

Sorry to hear about your friends asking you to choose sides you do not need that right now.
Can you tell them you will not get involved as you care about all of them and you do not take sides. Hopefully they will get the message and keep you out of it.

As for being a Punk WOW I would much rather be like that then rich and stuck up! As for smart you ARE smart too. Why should you change who you are?
Stay how you are, Don't become another clone of them, Be your own person and stay interesting!

As for telling someone you cut, the time will come when you feel you are ready to tell someone, People that cut ARE NOT CRAZY and do not have a disease, unfortunately a few pills will not solve the situation completely but it does help. I think though that councillors help, They have helped me in the past as you can talk to them and know it remains private and that they are there to help.
It is nothing to be ashamed of. I just wish there was someone you could turn to to when you need to.
Until then please remember we are here.
I am sorry if I didn't help, Just wanted you to know you will always have me/us here whenever you need us.
Take care angel xxx

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Ok where to start, I'm sorry not to have replied sooner...sometimes I am not sure of the right words, or even if they are helping you feel better at all?

Well as for the boy in class...certainly if he see's this is bothering you in anyway, it will make him do it all the more. Can you just totally blank him & his remarks? Think about it, if you are trying to row with someone & they go totally silent on you, no matter what you hurl at them...in the end it's no fun anymore, so you give up, as you are not getting the reaction you hoped for.
I know it's hard, because you are dealing with these kids everyday. But oneday, you will never see most of them ever again, they wont be in your life...so let all these kids think what they like...will it really alter your life...no? When you leave school,it really wont matter what they thought of you, nomore than it does what you think of them. because in 10years or so, you would all have forgotten each other anyway. As i said, it doesn't help with the here & now.
These people are narrow minded, if they dont understand something...they mock it.It just shows they are really immature.

I HATE labels, as i said to you before....when you apply for a job, do you have to say "Hi I'm Maria, I'm an emo, punk, goth" Or whatever else you have been labelled with? Again, kids know it hurts, so they keep on at your sore points, pouring salt into the wounds. You are above them & thier silly games,hold your head high & be proud of who you are...not what they want you to be. Who are these people really anyway?? Do they matter?
You are a wonderful, intelligent, gifted, funny girl, with far more going for you than alot of people your age.Be proud of that. We wasn't made to all be the same...if we were all clones of each other, how boring life would be. You have a stronger spirit within you, because you are not afraid to be different, that makes you special.
You are you, hold onto that...you are no label...if you wanna be a pirate...go for it girl, be different, be you. True friends will love you for who YOU are, not whom they want you to be.

As for your 'friends' wanting you to pick sides...mmm, girls can be so nasty sometimes when spurred on by others, they can be very cruel. they should respect you for whomever you are friends with...because true friends can share you. Maybe your friends are not true friends to you, i dont know....but if they are, they should love & respect anything in life you may choose, they dont have to like it, but they respect it.

Is there any boy's you are friends with? As often boy's can make the better friends, as they are not always as judgemental & sorry to say it but girls can get quite bitchy at times..hence why i dont have a lot of 'girlfriends' now...it's very, very hard to find a good & true friend these days.

No-one is perfect, male or female we all have faults. there must be other people out there I bet that notice & like you for who you are. but probably because of all the labels & the fear of being picked on themselves they haven't come forward & stay quietly in the background. But i bet you there is more than one person out there that admires who you are.

You are NOT crazy...we all have our own problems & secrets sometimes..it doesn't make us bad or crazy. if you were crazy, you wouldn't know that you were...you would just be thinking you are normal 9and it would be everyone else thinking you are crazy!) You are far from crazy.I hope you will find the right person to confide in, you will...but it's knowing who you can trust enough.It's a difficult world at times, and i wouldn't go back to my school years for love nor money. kids can be cruel, and i dont miss that. i was always labelled, as probably are most people that ever went through school.

no pills do not cure you, and certainly wont cure cutting or anything else. BUT if you were say depressed, then yes pills would help put the balance back in your life, but they are not a cure. Pills are like wallpaper...they cover up the cracks, but do not cure the foundation of the problem.

Are there any teachers at school you could ever talk too? Or would that just never happen? I dont know what your schools are like out there. here I found certain teachers became like friends.

It's not help you need so much, as someone who understands & listens to how you are feeling. You need to be taken notice of by someone who cares, and i just hope you find that person. Are there any forums with people going through the same thing as you/ Would it help to talk to people that have gone through it, if there are such forums?

Rest assured, you are not crazy, or anything else. you are going through a tough time, and we all deal with things differently. But you can get through it, if you want too enough.

We are all here for you, we may not have the words that can make it all better...but we listen & care how you are doing maria, we really do.

hugs to you,
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

queenmaria · Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 12:30 am Post subject:

So much has happened.

The boy has stopped bugging me. My friend got a poster from a teacher of one of the greek gods. Hades. Se compared him to me. Back clothes cant seehis face, it went on. I thought she hadn't even noticed anything about me. In pe people were saying I'm diabetic. I'm not. I don't think I'm big. So I didn't eat lunch and my friends got mad at me. But it means people are talking about me. Which means they saw my arms. I tried to tell myself that i dont care what the Areostaple erm.. donkeys (my name for the super atheletes whose entire wardrobe consists of Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, Aerostaple, and American Eagle. They MUST have a huge label on their clothes so they can rub in how good looking, rich and athletic they are) are thinking but its hard. My friend showed me a song. It's called the emo song. It says about cutting and crying while listen to Hawthorne Heights. Its a horrible song. I could barely force a smile while I listened to it. My friend sat there and laughed at it. She found it funny! I felt for the guy they sing (squawk) about. Everyone was being mean to him. But I cry when I listen to hawthore heights. They're sad and meaningful. I don't want summer to come. It means shorts and t-shirts. I don't like how I look. Before long my mother will be making me not wear my hoodie. Its in the 80's. I just want to hide forever. Dig a big hole and bury myself. No, I want to live in a big speaker. It will play music that will be perfect. I want someone to believe me when I say I never want to wake up. I don't mean that I'm sleepy. I mean that when I'm sleeping I can dream and live in that dream. One week of school left. Then break. Most of my friends are leaving. Then I get to deal with my mother telling me to do something other than mope around. I'm mad at her. When we 'talk' she' the only one who talks. I hate that we fight. She just came home. She asked if anything was wrong. I shook my head. I don't know whats wrong. Is something wrong?

"when you opened up what you said it was so sad/ that no one would notice if you ran away"- love you to death, kill hannah

"it looked like the perfect day/ in photos we were smiling/but something was wrong with you/ inside you was suffering"- black poison blood, kill hannah

ps. You guys are helping. Just talking about any of this is nice.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hi Maria, So pleased to hear that boy has stopped bugging you!
But I am sorry to hear you feel everyone is talking about you, Why is it No body can just get on with their own lives and leave people alone? Its so stupid, I really hope you have found the strength within you to realise they are the sad ones who find pleasure in upsetting others and I hope you have been eating now as you said you missed your lunch.
I am sure you are just perfect, Kids are unkind and if they cant pick on someone for one thing they just make up something else, I remember I have been there

I haven't heard of the song you mentioned. How awful having to listen to that and you must have felt worse when your friend was laughing, She was probably trying to act cool but infact she was being totally the opposite.

Try not to dread the summer angel, I can understand what you mean, Im being daft too and thinking how will I wear anything nice coz I hate my figure, But you really have to try to be strong and think "I am who I am" And too right, I think you are an amazing person and I wouldn't change ya!

Anymore luck in talking to your mom? It seems to me like she picked up on the fact that something was bothering you, If you were able to tell her I feel it would help her to understand more, She would realise why you feel like you do and would rather mope then go out, Instead of thinking whats up with Maria and yelling at you, If she was able to understand she may start to listen and stop the yelling.

It is hard for me to say as I don't know how your mom is and how your relationship is with her these days, But I hope you will be OK. We are here for you anytime never forget that.

Hugs from me xxx

queenmaria · Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 9:59 pm Post subject:

I talked to one of my friends. We said about how we didn't like how we were looking (I think my friend is one of the prettiest people. I told her that everyone wanted to be her. Tall blonde and blue eyed) She asked me why I didn't laugh very much. I told her I was sad alot. I told her how I hated fighting with my mom. We talked about evil people who made us cry. I was kind of mad because one of my friends had gone and told everyone something not so embarrising and exagerated it to be horrible. The girl I was talking to showed the note the other exagerating friend wrote. It said some mean stuff about me which made me sad because I thought we had been good friends. It said about how I starve myself ( I don't! usally) and how she thought how dressed was funny. I feel better 1) because I told someone how I hated fighting and 2) I know she won't tell *squints at blabber mouthed friend*
I have been to asuming. Ive been wating for someone to relize i cut exept I have a million exuses. My mom asked me why I was hiding my arm. I said I wasn't and I always ate like this. I gave her a 'duh' stare.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Hey Queen Maria,

You are right, you want someone genuine to notice, bad maybe when that person does...you kind of push them away, and have many excuses ready. Part of you wants to tell, and probably the other half is afraid of where to begin & what this other 'person' will say.
I am so glad you managed to talk to a friend, she sounds a nice girl, and hopefully she will be someone you can always talk too. As for the other friend, i'm sorry. Like i have said before, you do sadly go through life making many friends, but not all of them will turn out to be true, lifetime friends. it is sad, but it happens to all of us in our life, we all get stabbed in the back by people we thought we could trust, i dont know why it happens, i guess it's just a horrible part of life we have to get used too. So please dont take it too personally, we have all had similar done to us....you will probably find you only stay friends with one or two out of your group now, as you go through life. It's a difficult age too, i'm not making excuses for these not so nice 'friends'...but they are still growing, testing the waters, and changing personalities in a way...and maybe some are not changing for the better....but you can breathe a sigh of relief you found out in time, and wont waste anymore of your time on people that enjoy hurting others.

It's so sad you do not get to laugh much..see, someone noticed. It's a shame you cannot talk to your Mom. She obviously notices you are not quite right. But she probably is sticking her head in the sand, just thinking you are being a 'normal' difficult teenager & will just 'grow' out of it. If only she could see there is more to it than that, and you could do with being able to talk to her, without the confrontation.

Do you still feel you could speak to your Brother about things, or not really?

What is it that makes you the most sad?

Teenage years are the toughest, and i'd never go back. i think that's when you start to see people for what they are, you start to realise people are not perfect & sometimes can be darn hurtful & nasty.The younger we are (i mean pre teen) we tend to see things different, more innocent i guess, you dont expect so many bad things of people. believe me, by the time you hit your 30's, you will be old hat at it, and just think 'oh whatever, your loss'..because by then you will have seen so many people come & go, you kinda get used to it.

Now you should be living life to the full, enjoying every moment. It's so sad that you are unable to do this, because you haven't the support you need.

If you Mum saw your your arms...what do you think she would do? How would you respond do you think?

I'm so glad you have at least found one friend to confide in. I want you to be happy, you have so much to offer just by being YOU, you are a great & funny person, you just dont realise it.

We are always here for you...just wish we had all the answers to make everything right for you. xxxx
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

queenmaria · Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 3:51 am Post subject:

I'm back. I'm sorry I've been away so long. Schools been out so I have all day to do stuff. what do I do? Complain about the snow (I'm serious! It snowed! Then it melted.) To my friends. And go on mini trips with my parents. I went to a rennisaunce fair (or whatever.) With my friend. I wore a short sleeved dress! But I guess no one wants to look at my arms. ??? ??? I've also sat in my closet alot. Listening to music. And writing long rambling .... whatevers. I've gone through 5 pens. Coloring whole pages, line by line. And scribbles that go on and on. I talked to my mom on our trip. I asked her alot of questions and tried to explain why I liked AFI. That sounds retarded, but AFI is the band that seems to say whatever I can't, but she didnt get it. But I did tell her how I felt about emo and stuff (talk about hard! Explain a seemingly young person thing to an old person , sorry mom but you are getting old.)I also told my dad that. But I decided I was going to be emo. Something to fight with everyone about. I kind of decided this after my brother told me my handwriting was emo (I didn't think that was possible, but I guess dotting your i's with x's and drawing x's through your o's is emo.) Speaking of my brother, I'm not so sure anymore. We've been getting along better, but that doesnt mean much. What makes me feel sad is fighting. And little things tha people say that dont mean to hurt but do. Things that people say that do mean to hurt. I make me sad sometimes. I don't like being alone. but i perpously be by myself. I'm trying to make peace with myself. By caving into the darker stubborn part. But by bringing the nice(er) part too. It's wierd. It's kind of like skipping in the mud. Which is something I drew in my little notebook that gobbles up pens. It's kinda wierd but its how I feel. Ok. How would my mom react? She'd be really hurt, which is why I don't want to tell her. I'd be really mad and we'd both be confused. I have cut alot less. Like ALOT. So that made me happy. I found a song ( Bleed Black by AFI. They make me want to cry, but they make me stop crying too) and at the begining it has this breathing that I follow. It's really uneven and gives me something to concentrate on. I kind of follow the song, breathing until I'm better. I wrote a letter to my friend who moved last year, but I haven't found any stamps so it's sitting... somewhere... in my room I think it's buried under some junk. I've wrote enough right now. I have alot of stuff to say but I don't know what it is.
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hey sweetie, SO GREAT to hear from you again

Good to hear you have been going out and WELL DONE hun for wearing the short sleeved dress, that must have took a lot of courage and you should be proud that you did it! In some ways it is a shame your parents didnt notice your arms, I say that as then maybe it would have saved you from having to tell them yourself and find the words, But also as no-one said anything maybe that made you feel more comfortable about wearing a dress more often?

I am pleased to hear about all the positive steps you have been taking, I'm sorry this "Emo" word has become such a label in your life, I wish people would remove it from their dictionary and start calling you by your name! MARIA That's who you are and you are a wonderful person who shouldn't be labeled by anyone.

Dont be ashamed of the music you like, We all find bands that help us get through certain times, I went from Korn to Linkin Park to Evanescence and now...dare I admit I mostly listen to the Wolf's Rain soundtrack (I know you are thinking WHAT?) Its instrumental, Piano Violin etc and it is all I can really take these days! (I am getting so old! hehe) though I must look into the band you mentioned they sound good.

Maria you should be so proud you haven't been cutting as much, this music seems a positive thing and it is helping you through, You can relate to it and that is good, go with it and don't ever feel you have to explain to people why you like certain music, you are you and be proud, keep listing it makes you feel better do hold onto that.

Now as for the letter dig into that junk and post it

I am sure your friend will be so pleased to hear from you,.

And as for the other stuff you have to say, well remember we are here whenever you want to say it. ANYTIME.

until then stay strong and take care xxx

queenmaria · Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 9:28 pm Post subject:

Ok. I've been gone for a while. Let me tell you why I dissapeared for the time before this. My mom and brother got in a big fight and I (in my strange way) thought I was the cause and that scared me away from the computer. I don't see how that is connected but I guess they are. I was sitting in my closet where I promised myself would not cut there. And I haven't yet. My grandma came down and both she and my mom made fun of my swimsuit (it has little skulls on it and yes it is rather small) its color (black) my pants (low, dark, long, and worn constantly) and my adiction to my ipod. My mom said I was ' cultivating this negative thing with my friends' and when I was sitting outside I said something about hating the smell of summer (its a horrible smell. like grass juice and dead flies). And my grandmother said 'she's not...' and my moms like 'no marias not goth are you?' I just kind of sneered at her. It hurt. My mom doesnt want me to be me? I'm not 'cultivating this negative thing with my friends'! Its who I am! She told me to be 'dark nasty girl' somewher else (Which means my dads. He is 'other people'' some people' and is a horrible influence, according to her. ' unlike some people , I will not *insert thing my father suposudly does, like lie exagerate cuss*' ) I tried to tell her that I dressed how I liked and listened to what I liked an that happened to be 'dark nasty girl'.
I didnt cut for a while. I drew on myself with sharpie. I traced over everything so I cant get it off. I have no where to put how I feel. when I cut I could let it out. But when I did cut again it didnt work. It felt fake. I'll just be lieing somewhere and then I'll want to rip up everything. I was hanging out at a friends house and we were talking about the important topic of old people in young people clothes which led us to our moms. So I told her how I was mad at my mom for being , all that I just said. I almost stared crying.
I think you said you knew a girl who cut? I think it was you. I'm not going to read every post again. How did you know she did?

If I stayed with my dad all week I wonder if I'd be mad at him. My mom is gone off with her boyfriend all weekend.

. I'm feeling bad for my brother because my parents are always saying about him being on the computer all day and never do anything about.

I tried to write stuff down in a journal again but I ended up ripping it up.

thanks for listening
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hey Maria, so great to hear from you.
I understand hun why you have been away, we never forgot you and I often wondered how you were getting on but knew you would be back soon, (You have to or we miss ya!)

Anyways I am so sorry to hear your mum makes you feel this way

I don't understand why your mum and nan would comment on your swimsuit like that? It isn't fair of them but I am so pleased to hear the positive in your writing and that you say "It's Who I am" you are who you are and NO-ONE should ever judge you.
If everyone were the same how dam boring would the world be??? I think it is great to be individual and I would Rather dress and be like you any day, I have always wanted to dress "Goth" I don't see it as a negitive thing, loads of people dress like that, The only thing that has held me back is as I am not comfortable with my body but I would never let any ones opinion stop me which you haven't and shouldn't.

As for your mum and nan I wonder whether they act this way purely as they do not understand? Rather then ask you and talk about certain things they joke and laugh which it the TOTAL wrong way to go.

I think it is true that we dress to the way we feel! the way we dress is apart of our identity and we should all have freedom of choice and STUFF what others say!

I wonder would it be possible for you to stay at your dads? do you get on well with him? If you do it might do you good to have a break somewhere else?
As for your brother, Maybe his computer is his only outlet too.
It seems to me your parents do a lot of judging but Maybe it is their way of understanding? their way of finding stuff out with out actually out rightly asking?
OH ILL BE QUIET!
send you to sleep me will!

You are strong I know you will get through.
keep up all the positive things you have done so far.

I AM ALWAYS HERE. Hope I helped a little, Love and Hugs Me xxx

queenmaria · Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 5:32 pm Post subject:

I'm going on a trip with my mother. For the weekend. I have no idea what I'm thinking. She'll want to listen to my music, but then critisize it. And its going to be really hot! That means no jacket! I'v been wearing a hoodie and jeans all summer. Its getting up to 95 degrees. Shes already bugging me about that. And the holes I put in my clothes. She called me a follower when I wanted to get mt ears double pierced. But her ears are double pierced! If I point out anything she says to be countering what she does, she'll just explain why she doesn't count.
I've found some early Evanescence tracks from limeWire ( 5 Origin tracks

) And other stuff I thought unfindable. So thats been helping me not burst.
Sometimes I find myself thinking about cutting. I think about that I'll always have scars and always be different and no one would trust me (she can't trust herself to not hurt her, how can I trust her?) And then I'll think about how many people have much worse situations than me and are perfectly fine.
I hide my arms. I used to grab really hot rocks and hold them. Or use safety pins. I've been called hippie, but I kinda out grew that (hippies aren't really accepted in my very conservative town. It also didn't really match me.) I got called hippie, more than I've been called emo. At my friends b-day party they were kind of counting off the things I did emo. They had finnaly agreed that I wasn't completely emo because I didnt have skinny pants. I told them I almost bought some but they were way too expensive.
During the last week of school, a girl I had once been friends with and now has decied shes emo , noticed I had the same style of shoes as her (mine were red plaid and hers were this green/tan plaid) and she gave me that look that said don't ever wear those again. I hate her. She started her nickname 'emo pants' and then said she didnt and said she wasn't emo. Another girl, the nicest popular girl, had a bandana tied arond her arm and I saw a line coming out of the bottom. Theres a boy I sat next to in 3rd period and was in P.E with that knew I cut. And I think this girl knew I did too, theres something that you can just tell. We had talked a little bit. Mainly about clothes (hot topic! Our favorite store) So I know three girls that cut. I hate 1 of them. Theres the girl in P.E who first saw that I did, the girl in 3rd period, and an ex-friend who ditched us to be popular and ut to get in their group. And one girl who pretends she does.
I'm afraid to go to a counseller. There are two at my school, and you get assinged to one because of your last name. I dont even know which ones mine. I'm afraid because they know me as a girl whos just barely holding on to honor roll whose brother and his friends are always getting sent down to the office, claiming innocence. I don't even know what I'd tell them. If I try to say anything out loud, I'll cry. But here I am talking to a stranger. It feels better to at least someone knows.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

queenmaria · Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 4:36 pm Post subject:

our trip wasn't too bad! I was the one who made it bad though. I was grumpy and contrary. I was doing whatever I could to bug her. We did listen to my music and the only thing she said she didnt like was screaming. So I told myself to bring my most screamingy cds next time. Which is bad of me. So I also tried to freak her out by saying I listened to Marilyn Manson. She told me just not to look like him. I did take my jacket off ! i kept my wrist pressed right up against me.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Nice one Maria! so pleased you went on your trip and it went well and for playing your music cant see why you shouldn't. Also well done not wearing the jacket, How are you feeling now in yourself? hope you are feeling better for the trip? take care hun xxx