thankyouforthesuggestionsandmylongparagraphoftelling

queenmaria

thanks for the alternitives (not ready for the sex part). you people are the first people ive told that i cut. well i havent but now you know. nobody has noticed yet. i dread pe becuase then my arms are exposed and any one could see the cuts. but nobody does. the conversations i have in my head tell me what i would say, although one does not fall and get scratched in the form of words. i cut because its the thing i can control and it seems to numb everything. ive tried to not to but ,like it was said, i keep on coming back to it. it lets me relize that im not fake im real. sometimes i play music (almost) full blast with bass turned up. but that doesnt always help. its really hard to look at the cuts afterward and see that ive done that. i really want someone to notice and take the razors, but i dont because then i have nothing to stop the pain. it never equals the pain i feel in side. i guess people dont expect me to cut goodness no not after she handled the divorce so well maria shes so easy going. i act however im not feeling so when i act all narrsistic im really hating myself. happy means sad. thank you for letting me vent. it helps to write it down. now if i dont erase all this im going to ask a final question. how would i tell somebody? my best friend moved last summer and i thought of telling her in a letter but then i was afriad shed tell someone.

_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hey sweetie, I am so glad to see you found the confidence to post on here and Im glad you found us for now you have taken the first step forward to getting better you have shared it with someone.
Though you don't actually know us we want to help and it will help you to get it off yor chest.

I understand your fear in P.E But I wonder to myself how many other kids are in that room and covering up for the exact same reason.
PLEASE remember you are not alone, I remember several of my friends used to cut, You are NOT a bad person and It is nothing to be ashamed of.

The first step is realising you have a problem. Im sure you know now and coming forward on here shows you want to do something about it.
When you say it is hard to see the cuts afterwards, Shows you want to stop but you just need the support and I know you will get there.

You have said you don't want people to know but what are you afraid they will do? (im talking about family) Sorry to ask but I just wondered what you "Fear" about people knowing, I do not know how your relationship is with your family so it is hard for me to really say, But is there someone you can trust? a cousin? Sister? How close are you to your friend? is she the type to keep a secret if asked to?

I REALLY feel you need someone near to you to sit down and just spill to.
DONT BE ASHAMED No one will judge you Im sure who ever you tell will just want to help you.

Did you read the little article I put on here? the website is helpful.
Have you tried to replace the cutting? God I know it will never be that easy but worth a try.

Do you have councillors where you are? maybe if you feel you cant share this with those close to you that maybe you could with councillor? They are there to help and everything you tell them is confidential. I have seen many and they have been a big help and it might make you to talk about the feelings inside of you and to talk to someone about the divorce. I guess from what you say you kept your feelings in and tried to be the strong one but people will understand of course it upset you too and there is nothing wrong in showing that.

Well I hope I was able to help in some small way. WELL DONE for not deleting the post and for opening up,
Kaytee576 Admin xxx

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Hey Girl,
Firstly thank you so much, it really is an honour that you feel you can share something like that with us.....and it is a step in the right direction, you opened up.
Right now, I just wanna reach out & give you a hug, but you'd probaby hate that, it's just I feel for you, because we all feel pain & it comes out in many different ways....and God it is so hard to live with.

Not the same as you at all...but i suffered a breakdown after years of mental torture.Because I had my own place...it came out in an obsession with housework. Sounds nothing huh? But mentally it was torture, i couldn't sit for even a minute...it's like i was being told there is dust behind the washing machine....it wouldn't stop until i had dragged the darn thing out & scrubbed every darn inch behind it. Doing that would release my anxiety.If someone told me I couldn't drag the machine out to clean behind it, well i felt my whole world would collapse...so I'd do it all snaeky when they were not about. I'd feel better for the minute after I'd done whatever it was, but then there would be something else....My mind would never rest.I spoke to my Doctor about it, he said it's because everything else in my life is out of my control...but the housework I CAN Control, so thats why it became a crutch to me.
So in that sense, I understand that pulling need, then the guilt & anger that follows because you let this obsession kinda beat you....but it makes you feel more in control to do it again & so the deadly cycle goes on.

When did you notice this start, when your parents divorced? Yes you are dead right, it's because you couldn't control what was happening around you...but cutting you could. Did you blame yourself for the divorce at all? Sorry to ask, just trying to understand the whole bigger picture. If you dont want o answer anything I ask, that's totally fine!

I think you want people to notice, because sometimes amongst it all, you can feel quite invisible.I know I have often felt that, even standing in a crowd of people, you can feel the loneliest ever.
But like you say, then it's the fear of the person that finds out,will then stop you from doing the one thing you can control.
I get that, because I was the same. If someone put their foot down & said you are going to sit down & not move for 15minutes...I hated it, I hated them...I felt so mixed up, i was being told to do the things i obsessed about in my head..but then someone was telling me to stop & I didn't want too, as it was my way of controlling my feelings, what would happen without that?!

But, i will say gradually as difficult as it was...the fear subsided a little, may only of been for 10minutes out of my day, but it was a start. Eventually i managed to take back control in a different way...now i realise the housework controlled me, not the other way around. Sometimes it still does, but not to the same degree. But it took a heck of a long while & someone understanding to reassure my fears.

Do you have that someone you can trust? Or do you feel you would be letting them down by telling them? Are you close to your Mom?

See, if I was a Mom, I think I would rather hear it from my daughter..than maybe it slips out from a friend or someone you did confide in.But of course all this depends on how good your relationship is with your Mom. I personally would have such respect for you (if you were my Daughter) for being able to tell me, that that would over ride any other feelings i might have.
If you do have a good relationship with your Mom, could you maybe play her one of the songs that you relate too & say "Mom I really need you to listen to this, because it say's it better than I can..I'm hurting & I need to talk to you"

You can get through this Maria, I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment, but if people love you enough, nothing you could do or say could ever make them ashamed of you.You need to be able to be you. As you say, really you are putting on a happy front, when inside you are sad.You need to be noticed & taken seriously, for 13 you are well clued up & your parents should be proud of you. but it doesn't make you weak, or make them love you less because you do need someone to lean on, to share your fears with. We all need that, no matter how old we get.

I think you are amazing for what it's worth. please stay with us & remember we are always here.

Hugs to you.
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

queenmaria · Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 6:57 pm Post subject:

I'm afraid to tell my family or my friends because I think then they might not like me anymore. That then I'd have that label 'cutter'.
I was close to my friend and when she moved we emailed and IMed each other all the time. She got in trouble and her email was taken away and we havent been in touch too much.
I know I could tell my brother. He'd never tell anyone but I'm not sure he'd understand.
I liked the article kaytee it was helpful to know I'm not crazy. I have pulled out my long hidden supply of stuffed animals to throw and scream into and tear into pieces. I am going to get rid of the razors right now. Not sure where to put them but I'll find somewhere. Ok done that.
I write on myself all the time. I keep a mini diary on my hands , saying how I feel, lines from songs, and pictures.
I built up a fake person so I could hide how I was feeling. It's like clay. I took peices from people I knew and added them to the statue I was building. But I added too much and it started to break and crack around me. I hope that made sense.
I'm not sure what to say if I told anyone. Sometimes my mom appears so oblivious to me that I think that if I waved my arms in her face she'd just tell me to stop making a pest of myself. I think she'd understand but I dont want to hurt her.
I started, well at first I was just scratching how I felt and jabbing at myself with a safety pin. That was last year. It was two years ago they divorced. I'm not so hurt about that as much any more. It's the constant fighting that is hardest now.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

detoam · Guest

I don't wanna sound like a shrink, but I do suggest talking to Your mom. As a parent I know first hand how good it feels knowing that my kids trust me enough to come and tell me their troubles. From what You say I gather that Your mom is very understanding.
Also I want You to know that their divorce is sure as hell not Your fault.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

So great to hear from you again.
In the first part of your reply you said you are afraid to tell your family and friends as they may not like you anymore, But I strongly feel that your Family must love you and therefore will want to anything in their power to protect you and help you.

I think it is a positive thing that you considered telling your brother, How old is he if you don't mind me asking? If he is a older brother I'm sure he will understand, But I think the thing that is holding you back too is not knowing what to say..But that is something that cannot really be planned, Don't panic and run it through your mind over and over as this will just panic you more, when the time comes, you will find that you do not need plans as you will open up and let yourself go.

You said your mom often seems quite oblivious to you and In a way she has probably made you feel invisible, But at the end of the day you are her child and Im sure she loves you very much, When she acts like you are not there Please do not take it that she doesn't love you, She maybe preoccupied with work, And things she is doing so everything else just kind of blends into the background Im sure she probably doesn't realise she is being this way.

Who ever you choose to talk to please remember you are NOT a bad person, you have nothing to be ashamed of, Everybody deals with stuff differently, Some people turn to alcohol when they cant cope, others smoke, people turn violent, others take drugs there are millions of ways people turn in order to try and cope but most of those people are NOT bad they are just trying to find away to ease the pain inside, What you do is your own way of easing your pain but now you have realised that it isn't the best way to deal with your feelings and you want to change and that is a giant step to recovery.

You are one amazing girl.......

"I built up a fake person so I could hide how I was feeling. It's like clay. I took pieces from people I knew and added them to the statue I was building. But I added too much and it started to break and crack around me."

Now look at those words such maturity in what you write, From what I know about your so far you are intelligent and wise and If I were your mother I would be proud.

Now Is the time to take a look at that clay statue, It is time to take it out of the darkness and set it free into the sunlight let the pieces crumble and stand back with your head held high and be proud to be you.
Why should you pretend for the sake of others around you? you are a human being with feelings and it is time to BE YOU.
(hopefully I didn't just totally miss understand what you meant about the statue

)

You said "I am going to get rid of the razors right now. Not sure where to put them but I'll find somewhere. OK done that."

WOW well done you! Just look at the progress you have made.
Yesterday you spoke to us and told us on here what you had never dared to tell anyone before and today you found the courage within you to get rid of the razors, Im SO PROUD of you, I hope that you will find the strength in you soon to throw them away but DO not rush you have come on so well and I know you will get through this.

Please be strong for me, We can not tell you what to do regarding speaking to your mom as we do not know her, Or how your relationship is with her (whether you are close) But I know that when the day comes that you find someone to confide in about this, You will feel like the weight on your chest has been lifted and from there you can make even more steps towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care sweetie,
Kaytee576 PS. The diary, Teddy's all will help you, Have you tried to put your feelings into a poem? it really helped me in the past. xxx

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Oh Maria,
firstly I AM sending you that big hug,wow, i'm so proud of you...you truly rock!

Firstly you have taken such a huge & brave step already, just by telling us how you feel. Did we make you feel bad? I hope not....so if we can understand & hear you....then others close to you will do the same Darlin.

Your Mom has got a little too wrapped up in her own problems I think, and I dont mean that badly. It's just that is why she hasn't noticed your pain.You know what, i think once she realises what you have been going through, it might put things into perspective for her...she will realise that argueing all the time, is not the way to go. So in a way, and i know it sounds strange, but you might kinda be helping your parents, because they will realise just how damaging fighting is.

Kaytee is right, you sound way beyond your years...and I would be dead proud if you were my Daughter. You have such guts & courage and that is something to be admired.

You are a good person, you must believe in that...because its the vibe i get from you. For 13 I'd say you are pretty damn amazing, truly...I dont know any other 13yr olds with your strength & courage. You may feel weak, or that you have let people down..but YOU HAVEN'T in anyway.
We all have done things that maybe we shoudn't of in our lives, even as an adult we do daft things...it is how we learn. You were/are going through so very much & you were hurting,no one noticed, so you needed an outlet...a way to vent. it does not make you bad, it makes you normal.
None of us get a guide book on how to be a human being....you are allowed to mess up sometimes...hey, it's part of the rules!! (at least in my guide book LOL)

If you are afraid to tell your friends, then dont right now. just tell whomever you are comfortable with telling. I remember school years well, and how fickle friends would be....I think we all have learn't that in our time at school, iI was off sick once, by the time I got back to school my 'best Friend' had found herself another best friend!! Kids are cruel at times, and you dont have to do anything to make them that way. As I said I was just off sick & that cost me my friendship. But i now realise that my friend then wasn't a true friend afterall, because a true friend will stick by you, no matter what.
As you go through life you sadly will encounter 'friends' that will let you down for the stupidest reasons. I think of these as a part of lifes lesson, because i think people sometimes come into your life & do not stay very long, or may hurt you....but i believe now it's because we have served our purpose. that temporary friend, needed something from us, we helped them & they moved on. So in a little way it's like you are helping each of these friends as they pass through,by giving something of ourselves along the way. It doesn't hurt so much to see it that way.
Ok, I veered off....
If your friends are truly woth their salt, then they will understand what you are going through & be there for you no matter what. But at the moment, i would just stick to who you feel comfortable in telling.
They will still like you darlin. As i said, if these people are worth anything...then they would totally understand, if they didn't...then they are not worthy of your friendship.
Thats why I say, just concentrate on those really close to you at the moment.

As for your family, they will still like you darlin....even if they do not always show it, they LOVE you and would want to be there for you. You might find out just how families really stick together when needed & how important you really are.
Your Mom needs to know how you feel, as i said she has got so caught up in whats going on...she is missing what really is important...and that's you!
You wont hurt her sweetie, She may feel a little sad with herself (NOT at YOU, at herself) for not being there...but that is NOT a bad thing...because sometimes we all need a kick up the behind so to speak, to realise that other things are important. Thats why I said you may actually be helping your parents.
When someone very close to me(a family member) told me they were taking drugs once...I didn't get mad with them, all I wanted to do was help them get out of the place they were in...I wanted to help them in the best way I could. if anything it made our relationship stronger, because i knew it took a lot of courage & trust to tell me. We are so much closer now because of it.
You Mom will be so honoured that you trusted her enough to go to her. Of course she will worry about you, but then that's what Moms are supposed to do! But I am so sure that you will think afterwards "I'm so glad to finally be able to tell her, and why was i worrying"...i say that because often its the unknown, that causes us the most fear. It's the fear of telling someone & not knowing how they will react...but once it's all been blurted out, you will think how much the worrying about telling was far worse than the actual telling her!
As for your Brother, if he is older & as wise as you...then you could start there by telling him. but if he doesn't understand it too well...it may be better in the long run to go to your Mom. But at the end of the day sweetheart, it's what ever feels better for you.
Oh, and anyone worthy of having YOU in their life, would never label you a Cutter....no more than folk would greet your mom with 'Hi Divorcee'...do you get what I mean? labels are very unfair & only used by stupid people that know no better. I am sure no-one around you would do that, because you are not just a label at all....you are Maria a wonderful person & free spirit. No-one should ever tell you otherwise.
I am sure though that nobody would do that to you. You will find that anyone you tell will just want to reach out & make it all better...and for once Darlin let it be about YOU. YOU ARE IMPORTANT, your fears & worries are completely valid & real...take sometime for yourself. It's good to worry about other people, but you are just 13 (although you sound so much older!!)so dont be worrying about what other people may feel, worry about yourself, just this once.
I am so sure your Mom will be there for you, and it may make alot more sense to her why you may of said certain things, or acted in ways at the time she didn't understand.So again that will help her understand you a whole lot more,
if you cant talk, play her a song, let her read something you have written (that you dont mind sharing).

It's great that you keep a diary...you need somewhere to put your feelings into. What about getting a little lockable box? that way if things are bothering you, or upsetting you...write them down on a bit of paper & lock them away in the box, that way you can think to yourself " I'm not dealing with that today, I shall lock it away until i feel able too". think of that little box in your mind, and put something in it that is bothering you..I'd do that when i was obsessing all the time over chores.
Write on some toilet roll your feelings, then watch it flush away. All these things can help, and it helps just to write anyway.

Lastly in answer to what you said...NO YOU ARE SO NOT CRAZY. See, i thought i was crazy when i had a mental breakdown...someone said to me that if i was really crazy, i wouldn't even know it to be able to say "Am I crazy"...because i'd be oblivious in my own crazy world! It's true.
You are far, far from crazy. You were/are trying to deal with so much at home, let alone what you have going on at school. You know I always said i would never ever go back to my teen years, because in alot of ways they are the toughest times of your life.So you have major things going on all around you, no-one to tell, no-one to listen...so it's going to come out somewhere/ somehow. Like Kaytee said, thats why so many people take up smoking,drugs, drinking...it's to block out the pain & fears. So many people are going through very similar things to you Darlin, so you are not alone & just maybe a young girl reading your posts, will realise the same thing you did, that she is not crazy.

Sorry to go on...I am sooooo proud of you. What you did with getting rid of the razors......was a fantastic, brave & very huge step. You should be so, so proud of yourself.I was more thrilled than you can ever imagine to read that in your post, so imagine how your Mom will feel...I mean we have only known you for days & we mean it when we say we are proud of you. Even if you took a step backwards, we'd still be here for you. It's not easy for you & we are all behind you every step of the way. We will support you whatever.

Please let us know how you are doing... i guess we have become quite protective over you.......because you have a big heart & you do not realise what a wonderful person you are. I am proud to know you & honoured that you can share your story with us.

Go Girl......remember, we are reaching out to you, whenever you feel alone..just remember we are right there with you in our hearts & minds.We will walk by your side.

Big hugs to you & remember you are a special person, and you have come such a long way.
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

Laff Agent · Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 11

Hi Maria-

Listening to your story is like going back in time a few years for me. My two girls both were hurt by the fighting between their mother and I. Like your parents, we got divorced. And like you, both of my girls hurt themselves. I can't say the word cut out loud, it's hard enough to type it. In just the little bit you wrote, you remind me so much of my Jordan it's scary. There is so much I could tell you, but I just want you to know three things for now.

1) You're not responsible for any problems your parents may have. Not one iota are you responsible. You could not have caused their divorce if you wanted to, and you couldn't have stopped it either.

2) You're not the only one who feels like you do and you're not the only one who has hurt herself. There are a lot of people out there who understand, because they've felt and done the same things. Your mom loves you, even though she's oblivious sometimes. If you want to talk to her, do it. Don't worry that it might hurt her to know what you're feeling, it will hurt her. It will hurt her because she loves you and she will see how much pain you're in, but that's OK. She'll be OK.

3) You'll be OK too Maria. Remember I said hearing you was like going back in the past a few years? Imagine what I tell you is like you looking forward a few years. You'll get better, my girls did so I know that you will too. They are 16 and 20 now and it's been a long time since they've hurt themselves. Jordan now is really aware of her friends and girls she knows from school, she recoginizes things and reaches out to other girls who are hurting themselves. That's part of how I know that you're not alone, there are a lot of girls with those feelings. My Jordan worked through it, figured out other ways to deal with the pain, and ways to make the pain lessen. You remind me so much of her a few years ago. You're a really sensitive, smart, caring young lady. You are definitely not crazy.

I have another idea for how you might talk to your mom, let me know when you're ready to think about that, OK?

-Colin

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

It's really nice to get a Dads point of view, thanks for that Laff Agent, some really great advice there.

I'm so glad your girls have worked through thier problems, and had some good support around them.
It's so nice to hear of a happy ending

_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

queenmaria · Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 1:49 am Post subject:

i hate my self. i said i wouldnt cut and now i do and i cant even do anything. if i try to talk i fight . if i can fly away i will and i will land in place where people love you and dont care but in a good way. i tried talking to my mom and i fought. i tried with my friends and they dont belive me because i joke to much. i have 2 parts. one surrounds herself with friends and one pushes them away. one cuts and one is funny. my friends like the nice one. i like her too. but the more im one the more im the other until it feels im going to explode and the only way to pop is to let some out. i tried pens and stuff but then people try to read my hands and if they see anything they say ' ha ha emo. your not the only one in the world. do you cut?' i screamed 'yes!!!' and they just say 'thats maria always joking. omg did you what morgan was wearing, doesnt she relize how ugly she is?' at an assembly today we had to fill out a survey. you checked boxes to see how strong your web was. webs were the support you got so you didnt do drugs. i checked a few boxes. i looked at my friend. she checked away happily. i looked at my other friend and she did the same. i looked down at mine and checked 2 more. now i had 11. later people talked about many they got. 27, 29, 26. i just shrugged my shoulders. cant hold on to me wonder whats wrong with me- evanescence. maybe i am emo. i have the music,clothes, attitude. my brother is 13 too, were twins. please tell me how not to fight, laf. i managed to not cut for two days but then i collapsed and now im mad at myself. before i wanted to sleep so i cant feel. now i dont want to because then i wake up. im sorry i slipped down again. but everything feels wrong. i keep comparing myself to my friends. i see their happy families and i wish i was them. my mom said shed never moveout, and then never divorce, and then not move even farther. but she did. a couple closer friends sort of notice im different. ask me when this punk stage will end and to cheer up no one died. i feel selfish because i only think of me and people are off so much worse. i would of wrote this in diary i found but i broke my pencils.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Oh sweetheart,

It wasn't going to happen over night..lovely if it could...but in real life, we know it's not going to happen that way. You didn't let us down, we are here for you. We understand.

hang on lets just post this, and that way you know we are here...and i'll then carry on. Stay with us darlin. xx
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Maria PLEASE firstly DO NOT hate yourself, You did REALLY well to get through two days and you should be proud of getting through those hours I know it must have been really hard for you.
When you say you tried talking to your mum and you fought what do you mean? Do you mean you just couldn't do it? (sorry it is late here!) At least you thought about telling her that is a step in itself,

PLEASE do not be hard on yourself we all slip up sometimes, I tried to quit smoking went a day then had a cigarette, I know it is slightly different but I felt guilty and like I had let myself down but then I realized how well I did and realized I was strong to have gone that long with out and I knew that next time it maybe wouldn't be so hard and I could go for longer.
You did really well and really shouldn't be mad at yourself, you are going through a tough time and you are trying to cope.

I know what you mean about your friends, when you are with them you probably become someone else and you hide away, then as you have been hurt in the past when someone trys to get close to you, you push them away, that is only natural it is your body's way of protecting itself.

I am sorry to hear about your friends reaction to the writing on your hands, Kids are cruel and they often do now think about how their reactions will effect others,
Then for them to feel you are only joking...Im so sorry they do not take you seriously, Maybe they do but they turn their heads as the don't understand.
Is there anyone you can talk to?
Anyone at all?

Im sorry about all this Emo stuff it really doesnt help, But If you mean in the sense you dress and the music you listen to then WOW I think that is an amazing way to be. I love the clothes, The music everything it's better then listening to Cristina Aguilera and being in with the cheerleaders! I know where I would sooner be!

It seems everyone you ever cared about made a promise to you they couldn't keep, seems they let you down time after time but you mustn't blame yourself,

YOU ARE AN AMAZING YOUNG WOMAN I truly mean that, to go through all that you have and have the maturity and how wise you are, I honestly sometimes look at your words and think wow she is so great, grown up and I really want to help you.

Take it one day at a time, be patient with yourself we know you can do it. we are here for you xxxx

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Ok, i'm back...please dont hate yourself. You have so much going on around you, when you cant cope with it all..it's got to come out on you somewhere Darlin.
Yes, you have been strong & done so well. it doesn't mean we are not still proud of you. Remember that saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day'??Well, when we have problems, they cant always be fixed that easy. It doesn't make you bad or a let down. it makes you human.
It's the little steps you have to aim for....just take these small steps. It was a great step having two days feeling stronger....take that as a positive Darlin. these small steps all add up, until before you know it, two days of not cutting, has gone on to a week, then two weeks. yes it will slip back. 1 step forward two back...3 steps forward, 2 back.It's normal.

Did you manage to tell your Mom what was going on, or did she not listen to you?

have your friends seen the marks on you? I know thats a hard one to deal with...but then they can see for themselves.

We care darlin, i know it's not the same...but we are here. i was just going to bed it's nearly 4am. But I am here because i want to help you. I may not have all the right words,but i care & i just want to be able to reach through the screen & give you a big hug.

You are not useless...you can do many things. Sweetheart, you were good for two days, no-one else did that, you did it, by yourself. if we didn't believe in you, then we wouldn't be here now.

Is there a teacher you could confide in at school? I dont know if you are close to any of them, and you could try talking?

You ARE NOT selfish. I hate to say it, but in some ways, although you are so grown up & intelligent...but you are still a kid, you are 13yrs old. You need to be loved & nutured.
I think you feel like no-one notices or cares about you, you may as well be invisable....am I wrong? people/friends are not right for doing it, sometimes kids dont take anything seriously.

You are hurting because you miss your family. That is normal darlin. The divorce & what has happenend afterwards, is the root of the problem. You didn't cause it, but you want to be able to turn back the clock & have things as they once were.It's so hard for you. Have you at least been able to talk about how difficult that still is too you?
Sadly, and you know your Mom & Dad possibly will never be as they once were, it's not out of the question. But doesn't often work out...and it's hard & hurts like hell. But it will Darlin. Think how much worse it would be now, if your parents were back together, how much they argue already.
It wasn't your fault & you couldn't of stopped it. They both still love you just the same, but they have got caught up in whats going on between them, and they are not noticing your pain.

I know it sounds daft, but have you tried punching the living daylights out of a pillow, getting some of your feelings out that way.

Can you keep like a felt pen, something you cannot break the end off to easily, then that way you always have something you can write with...to get your feelings down onto paper.

Please do not be so hard on yourself, dont be mad. i know it's frustrating when you slip backwards...i have been there when i had a breakdown & you get so angry with yourself. But you are normal, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are mentally in pain, so the only way you know how to free it, is through physical pain, you are punishing yourself & it dulls the pain. But only for a short while. Anybody that has an addiction, smoking, drinking etc...seldom can just stop it straight away & never look back> it's no different for you Darlin, you will have bad days....and you will have good too. like i said gradually, you wont even notice that the good days come more often than the bad.
You will get there. believe in yourself, if only because we do.

We are not going to lie to you, what would we gain by that. We have faith in you...we expect you to slip...as i have said this IS normal, but we also know that you do have an inner strength deep down, and you can reach in & find it. it wont be easy & it may take a while before you are free of this punishment...but sweetheart you will get your wings back.

I want to hug you, hold you close & tell you it will be ok. We are here to support you, we care. Always remember that.You are never as alone as you may feel....and oneday you will spread your wings & soar high into a happy place...which will be the life you have taken back control from.

Hugs to you Maria...you ARE SPECIAL xx
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

Laff Agent · Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 11

Hey Maria-

Holy crap are we bombarding you with stuff or what?

Did you remember to put us on your checklist? We're here and we support you, really. The pain sucks, I know that. You know how I know? Because it sucked for me ... and I'll bet it sucked for the other people here too.

I like you Maria, I told you that. Every thing you say tells me you're a great person, you're just feeling a sh*tload of pain. I recognize the pain, I almost let it take me over many years ago. I dealt with it my way, I drank until it went away because that worked. Over time I had to drink more and more because the pain just got worse and eventually the drinking stopped working all together ... eventually it made the pain worse, not better ... and I almost gave it all up. I just wanted the pain to stop. It sucked so bad and hurt so bad and I just wanted it to stop and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The pain will go away Maria, you're working on it right now. If you do nothing but talk to us, nothing but write what you're feeling, little by little it will go away. It won't happen overnight and some days it might feel like it's getting worse, but keep writing.

I didn't have a big web of support back then either, but a couple of people who understood walked with me. They understood, they got it, and they walked through it with me. We can be those people for you. We'll walk through it with you if you let us, OK?

It's gonna get better.

queenmaria · Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 1:20 am Post subject:

im feeling better now. maybe cause its snowing. that always makes me feel better. i hate[d](not sure if i do) because i feel what i do is wrong. i wish i wasnt such a b*tch. and why i cant be happy.

what helps me-ish what doesnt
yes
screaming
yelling
throwing stuff
doing math problems
cutting (with scissors) all the loose scraps of paper into million bazillion pieces
dancing with my cat
rocking out -silently, i cant sing-
listening to LOUD MUSIC MAJORLY LOUD music with the bass way up.
almost anything to do with music
not all of this always works but im goin to keep trying it

no
bath -too much time to think-
yoga -same-
eating something strong- doesnt make me feel better-

i went to the website. its very... right. no i havent talked to my mom. what i mean bywe fought was that when i started with how much i hate fighting. it kind of escalated into an argument getting onto grades and my disrespectful attitude(mom, it started out as a peaceful conversation). no, my friends havent seen. i wear long sleeves and have cut thumbholes into my sweatshirts.

ok im going to answer some more later. i cant really think about this now

why is everything so confusing maybe im just out of my mind
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Well I clicked on that link too and got a PC cleaner ERM what was you trying to show us Detoam?? Bless.

Hey Maria Glad to see you are feeling a little better, I love the snow!!

I like the lists and I am pleased to see more on the "YES" side then NO! Thats a start sweetie!
I wonder do you write poems? I found it really helped, I like the sound of dancing with the cat and who cares if ya cant sing just sing away Put on something really heavy Like Disturbed, Korn, Or something like that and SCREAM the words out! hehe (not that I do that!!!) Some people say they find Korn etc depressing though I dont listen to it much now I guess in a way it got me through the hard times as I could relate to some of the lyrics, Music can only be played high! It is a must!

Im sorry it turned into an argument with your mum

That isn't exactly what you needed was it, for her to start lecturing you, I'm sorry sweetie, Maybe if you could somehow make her listen to you then she would understand if you act in different ways maybe it would help her to understand.

I understand you want to write later when ever you feel ready darlin, we are always here.

Love and hugs Kaytee576 xxx

detoam · Guest

I am so happy to hear that You are doing better.
No You haven't gone out of Your mind.
Being unhappy is part of life. There is nothing wrong with that. I am, for one, is rarely happy. And there is certainly nothing wrong with You for feeling that way. Of course shrinks would say otherwise. Trust me I've down that road. But truth is sometimes we are hurt and that makes us unhappy. Some things take a long time to come to terms with, especially when it is something we can't understand. Don't try to get over something, that will not work. Simply because it's impossible. If You can't understand why things happened the way they did it might be because there is no need to understand them.

Laff Agent · Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 11

Hey Maria-

Just wanted to check in and say hello. It's funny to hear you say it's snowing, because we finally have a nice spring day here (NY), it's in the 70's.

Hope you do something fun this weekend.

queenmaria · Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:30 pm Post subject:

what if im really who i (think) i pretend to be? what if im faking being sad? i have settled on a friend to tell. she is the least likely person someone would think id choose. shes preppy , religous, and is just very unlike me (except for the wierd factor). she has her group. but she is okay with my black clothes and loud music. she never gets mad when i scream that i hate her. i dont know why i didnt think of her earlier. i dont know what id tell her though.

me: hi
her: hi
me: guess what
her: chicken butt!
me: nope. i cut.
her: say wha..?
me: yup. im such a retard that the only way for me to be okay is to cause myself pain. isnt that strange?!

could you save, could you save my life/ have a boy you knew not died?- 'bitter for sweet' by BlaqkAudio.

ps. it stopped snowing, was blindingly sunny (but not warm) so the snow melted. then it started raining. people say 'dont like the weather? wait five minutes'
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hey Maria, So great to hear from you, I am so pleased you have decided on a friend to tell, Your friend sounds like just the person from what you have said about her she sounds patient and understanding and she accepts you for who you are (A GREAT PERSON) and doesn't mind that you dress differently to her or listen to different music and I think thats great how friendships should be!

Right This first bit of the conversation you wrote is great up to the chicken butt bit lol...

As I said before I do not think it will work to plan it out word for word as might stress you out, but if you feel that is the best way to do it then how about just telling her that you cut, that you want to change and you wanted to tell her because she is the only one you can trust and that you know will not judge you.
Then it has all been said, If she asks you to explain then if you want to go ahead but just be patient with yourself and have faith, I am sure it will all go well and after you will feel like a weight has been lifted!

We are here for you and I am proud of you. Be strong you are doing the right thing, by telling someone Im sure it will help and hopefully to talk about it will help ease the pain.

PLEASE do not think you are a retard NO WAY you are an amazing young woman I hope in time you will realise this. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON two of my friends used to cut they got through it I know you will too,
Love and hugs being sent to ya! Thinking of you xxx

PS You are not faking being sad you have just had to suffer a lot of heartache and you are trying to cope you will get through this I know it.

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Hey Maria,

Great to hear from you again, I think we have all been wondering how you have been.

Ok, that's good, you have a friend in mind. Well, it's hard to ever know the right words to start a difficult conversation. Whatever you plan, will probably go straight out of the window when you get down to it anyway, as nerves will kick in. Just try & say how you feel, I know that's a difficult thing....but hey, you did it with us, and we are all here for you. I know it's harder saying it face to face. But your friend sounds like she is pretty tough & emotionally able to cope with whatever you have to say, and hopefully she will be there for you, I'm sure she will be.

Just admit that you dont know how to start the conversation, be honest with your friend. I find this helps when we dont always have the words to say to someone suffering a loss, I will say "I just dont have the right words to make it better for you, but I'm here"...because sometimes there are no words, and all you can do is relate how you feel.

Even if it takes you a whole 10 minutes to get the words out, your friend sounds like she is the understanding type, and this really wont matter. She obviously thinks quite highly of you, to be your friend....that must say something about you.Trust me, once you start, you will find the right words.

Deep down Sweetie, you know the true person you are. Who win's over in your head & heart, the real you, or the fake one?
You find it easier to deal with whats happening probably, when you are not being 'The Real maria'...it's easier to push things away, and pretend even for a short time, that bad things never happenend.

You couldn't fake being sad Hun, well maybe for a short time, but you couldn't keep it up long term..unless you are a great actress

You do feel sad, you have every right to be, you have a lot you are trying to deal with. You are not faking it...if you could, wouldn't you truly pick to be happy, how things once were before all the bad stuff?
You do not want to be living how you are now, you are un-happy. If you were faking that, then you could just switch back to happy maria, and problem solved!
If you were happy, and faking being sad,then you would never of come here, to our forum...but it's because you want things to change & that is such a big positive step. Plus, we are glad to have you here & honoured you can share with us how you feel. We want to see you be happy again, we are all rooting for you.

Truly, I bet each member on here, when going about there daily life, thinks about you at some point & wonders how you are. I know that I do. Would we do that if we didn't care? If we thought you were faking?

We do have every faith in you, and we know it may take time, but you will get through this...because deep down in your heart, you want it. But you have to want it for you, not anyone else. Because you deserve a happier life, than the one you are living right now.

Good luck Maria, please let us know how it goe's when you talk to your friend....she sounds as though she will support you, whatever it is you tell her...and that's a good start.

Meanwhile we are all here, whatever you want to get off your chest, go for it...that is what we are here for.

Hugs.
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

Laff Agent · Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 11

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Oh bless your heart

Are all those ladies tiring you out?!

Seriously,it's nice to know I was actually right for once in my life LOL...Whatever I'm doing, wherever I am, I do wonder 'how are things with Maria today?'...But then I do think of you all. Hmmm, maybe I should of been a 'Mum' afterall, because I'm doing all those daft motherly things ....Like I check on the forum and :
' Hmmm, no post's....I hope they are all ok, I'll check back later'

2 Hours later :'Oh, still no sign of anyone...Oh i hope they get in touch to let us know how they are'

Ha, before long I will be doing the ultimate Mothers sin, spitting on a hanky & wiping all your faces, so be warned!!!

Sweetdreams Laff Agent, good to hear from you.
(oh, and dont be up till late talking...did you remember to brush your teeth huh?wash behind your ears??Oh dear, there must be a medical term for this?!

)
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

queenmaria · Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 3:01 am Post subject:

I'm back to scissors. All the razors are gone so I grabbed the scissors. But thats better ( I hope). Maybe the I'll go back to safety pins then nothing. I'm having a bunch of misplaced anger. I was just sitting and I happened to see a ribbon my cat had been playing with. I got so mad at the ribbon. I ripped at it and told it that it had destroyed my life. Then I couldnt rip it I cut into pieces and shredded those with my fingernails. I was heading toward the fireplace to burn the scraps when I stopped and relized that it was a ribbon. What kind of lets stuff go is to talk to myself but then i get caried away and end up telling myself to shut up or getting off topic into the benefits eating ice cream three meals a day. ok i never talk about ice cream but you ge my point. yeah i check on here and read stuff that i dont post on. (dont think i only look on this topic! i read everything).its ok to babble. most of my talks to myself are babbles. if my words look angr its because my keyboard hates me and i have to stab each letter for it to work. well got to go before i break something.
_________________
I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Laff Agent · Joined: 12 Apr 2007 Posts: 11

So here's a funny little story for you. We've contracted to have a new house built next year. It should be done next fall and then we're going to get married in the backyard. It's sort of like this big dream bring everybody together thing, merge the families and start the next phase of our lives in our dream house.

Anyway, we're up checking out the property and we stop by one of the model homes so my 6 yr old future stepdaughter can use the bathroom. What happens? She clogs the damn toilet and it overflows!! So here we are in the model house and prospective buyers are walking through and we're running around like crazy trying to get the toilet to flush and clean up all the mess. The sales lady was very nice, but my fiance was about as embarassed as I've ever seen her. After two trips to Home Depot for a plunger, a snake, and some drain cleaner I still couldn't get it to flush!! So we cleaned it up as best we could, put a sign on the door, and asked the sales lady to lunch to try to make up for the fiasco (she declined).

As I'm standing there with sh@t on my shoes, plunging my brains out, I thought how different I handle things now than in the past. You'll get there Maria. All of sudden one day something will hit you, like "holy crap, I just had a big fight with my boyfriend and my mother yelled at me about my report card and I didn't even think about cutting myself". You'll get there, believe me.

Thanks for letting me babble again