thankyouforthesuggestionsandmylongparagraphoftelling

queenmaria · Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 2:55 am Post subject:

I'm a horrble person. I'm probably making her breakup with her boyfriend and I don't even have thecourage to say its not her fault. shes all sad because she doesnt have enough money and erything. and at my dad and its probably y fault that shell breakup with cuz'm too afraid to saanything. all I can do is shake my head. But I hate myself for being me. I almost called after her but she lft. I hate her boyfriend for not being my dad but he really likes her. IF THEY HADNT GOT DIVORCED NON OF THIS WOULLD OF HAPENED AND I WONULD BE JUST A STUPID NOT-GOTH. she wants the best for me because she asked if i'd be happyer if she was single. but i dont know what makes me happy. i dont know if i even want to be happy. what is happy? so i'm just stting here crying and waiting or everyone to come in and say 'its all a game. were sorry now let your normal perfect life cotinue. this was all part of a reaity tv show' I tought everyone was selfish nd blind but i am the one is. i wish i was dead

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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

queenmaria · Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 2:57 am Post subject:

DONT READ WHAT I WROTE IM JUST STUPID AND FAKE AND SELFISH
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Maria you are NOT STUPID FAKE OR SELFISH please do not say that about yourself. I wish there was away of making you see NONE Of any of this is your fault.
Your parents are adults. THEY MAKE THEIR OWN DESISIONS honest there is no way it is your fault, you could never make them do something they don't want to. your parents would never have split up because of you, I am sorry to say but you are the child here THEY are the adults and it is their life, You need to realise that you are not to BLAME for anything.
Your only part in all of this is that you were the one who had to be on the receiving end of lots of pain and hurt, most of which you probably didnt understand and still dont.

Your mum and her boyfriend might be going through bad times in their relationship and she obviously doesn't tell you all thats going on, therefore not knowing you blame yourself, OK you are not happy it is understandable and normal to reject him as he is not your dad, but unfortunately there will be a time when as hard as it is you will realise that your mum has to move on, he will NEVER replace your dad he is special to you and that will never change, and you mustn't blame yourself for having NORMAL natural feelings.

Yes you can have an opinion on your mums boyfriend but if she splits up with him IT WILL NOT be because of you, adults have all kinds of problems, the child IS NOT TO BLAME.

I know I am not really helping but I Want you to think now "YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST" as unfortunate as it is, (I WISH I COULD) but we cant, you are dealing with things the best you can and you are NOT a bad person you are trying to cope in your own way.

I am here for you angel, please try to be strong and remember you can come here anytime you need to.

Love and hugs from me xxx

queenmaria · Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:54 pm Post subject:

ok. i am not so crazed anymore. i am just going to sit in my room and only talk to my riends until all of this is over. my mom is not breaking up with him. She is very mad at my father for giving her a fish (long story) and not answering his phone. She came in and talked to me last night ater she managed to get me away from my door (she is strong! I had my whole weight pressed against that door!). I had came out when sh had got back to try to talk to her and she said " don't you have some music to go listen to?" and I guess she felt bad about that and went onto say blah this about my dad and how he treated my brother ( I wish theyed all stand up to him. If he yells at me I yell right back.) I listened to Korn and some punk bands untill 10:26 when I remembered what she had said about me always listening to music.
So know I'm mad at both them and haven't made eye contact with my mom since about 7:00 last night. I don't even know where my dad is and I don't really care.
It's so hard because I got along with her for all weekend and my dad and I get along really well with him. Well used to.
I can't say if any of this is helping because I havent done anything else, but I hate to think what would happen if I kept all of everything in.

" the past is just the future with the lights on"-- +44.

P.S happy birthday Canada and my cat, both of whose birthdays were on Sunday.
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Firstly nice to have you back maria:)
Second, i'm sorry to of gone awol for so long you guy's.....when migraines come, i'm no good to anyone (well that will make a change!LOL)

You know what Maria, I read & re read your posts, and I still see the same. You are not bad, or selfish, or mean..maybe it feels easier to think you are that way. it's easier to show angst, than it is to put on a smile & pretend life is one big bowl of cherries.

I think sometimes you just want attention (I dont mean that in a bad way) I mean you want to be noticed, and whether it's negative attention, it's still attention you are getting.
Like if a puppy bites, you shout at it...yet it will keep biting, because whether you are shouting, or saying "oh good doggie" you are still giving some of your attention to the puppy. If that makes sense?

..and no, I'm not comparing you to a puppy!!
But thats what i feel. You are frustrated, you want your old life back, to be able to get along with your parents. but it is all spiralling out of your control, you feel mixed up, you are angry because your parents split, hell who wouldn't be....so it's easier for the anger to come out, to hit out....and you are being noticed, only still not in the way you want to really be noticed, to be heard.
All people see is an angry little girl, who dresse's different,and listens to annoying music...But people do not understand,which is why they pick at the silly things, like why you wear the swimsuit you do,or how you drag your feet.

Your Mum doesn't know how to deal with you (lets face it, most parents do not know how to deal with their teenagers. parents dont get an instruction booklet on how to be a parent....so probably in a funny kind of way, your Mum is as lost in this situation as you are. neither of you know, really what to do)

It wasn't your fault when you thought your Mum & Boyfriend were going to split up. You are going to dislike him, even if he is the nicest guy on earth to you, because he still is NOT your Dad.
But deep down hun, do you want your Mom to be happy?Because as awful as it is, your parents probably will not get back together, not because they do not love you, or your brother...but because they just fell out of love with each other..a life together would mean they would both just end up miserable.Ok,So i know you are miserable with the situation,i do understand that .
Someone very close to me,well her Dad died,awfully.Now her Mom has a new Guy...of course all she wants is her Mom & dad to be back together again, he will never be her Dad. But it isn't possible to ever have her Dad back, and she know's if this makes her Mom happy, then somehow, she has to live with that. I know too, in time you will find it a little easier too,but it does take time.

I dont know if any of what i said makes any real sense. But I do think you do not want to be this bad person that you feel you are. by being here, it was a cry for help. You have a lot of emotions, that you just do not know how to deal with right now. of course life would be much easier if you could talk to your Mom, but at the moment i think you just bounce of each other. She doesn't not love you, trust me on that. Your Mom literally doesn't know how to deal with you,and how you are acting.
Oh, and most Moms want a pretty little girl, they can dress up all girly...parents of Gay girls I have heard say they are disappointed that their Daughter was never girly, never wanted to wear dress'es...but they still loved their Daughters. It's the same for your Mom, she probably would prefer you in cute dresses, but it aint gonna happen, it doesn't mean for one minute she doesn't love you. I just think most Moms that have a baby girl, think of all the pretty things they can dress them up in (it's a mad woman thing!), no matter how old you get,you will always be her little girl.....even in our late 20's, our Gran was trying to get us into a "Nice Frock" (her old speak for a pretty dress!!) See, they never give up trying!

Be YOu, be different.If it makes you stand out from the crowd, then good.It's better to be different & comfortable in your own skin, than to be a sheep & follow everyone else.

We are always hear to listen, always. ...and if it helps that you just get to write it all down, then do it...even if you have to post 20 times a day, doesn't matter, if it makes you feel better.

You are such an intelligent girl for your age, really, you are astounding...and you could do so much. have you ever thought about writing books of some kind? Stories? Even if they were horror stories, you could get your anger out that way, and also they would probably be excellent books! I feel you have a talent somewhere there, and would be a shame to waste it.

Hang in there Girl, you reallly are doing so great & we are proud of how far you have come, even if you cant see it.

Please keep us posted, we like to hear from you, as you are important to us.
Hugs,
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

queenmaria · Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 12:41 am Post subject:

ok. Before I read what everyone wrte, I'm going to let out my happiness. I almost told someone! My freind and I met up at the fireworks (Indepenence Day) and we sat on a rock and taked the whole time. I was there with my dad and she asked where my brother and mom were (brother at home, mom at boyfriends. They are getting along just fine and went hiking that day) I made a nasty remark about that, so she started asking me questions and stuff. So I told her. She's the first person I've told about hiding in music, using it to build a wall around me or to pull everything down. I told her about how I felt about my mother. She said she uses books if shes feeling angry and she is more like her dad, which bugs er mom sometimes. This was good to hear because I had always looked at her family as how I wanted mine to be. Her mom and dad got along well, and she has a neat little sister (Amelia, I love yu! She kind of admires me I think. If I say something , like my constant saying 'yo' and 'dude', she picks it up. Its cool)My friend (lets say.... Jill) said at least your not suicidal or something. I mean you could cut your wrists *and thn she said something else that i didnt hear.* we talked about clothes and cliques. Jill said I belonged our group, the weird people. I decided I'd tell he I cut, so I asked her why she thought I wear long sleeves. she said she didnt know. The grand finale came so we couldn't hear each other. Then it was time to go before I could say why.
I also found these lyrics, from a The Unseen song 'Scream Out'
I lost control and hurt myself
I knew deep down that I needed some help
That self abuse it would not stop,
No matter how hard I tried
So I lied when I tried
To pull my life together

The songs about punk music makes him not cut anymore. In the video,the therapist can't do anything for the boy, but the boy listens to music to help himself.

NOW I will read all what people wrote.
Yes, I see myself wanting to be noticed. not just be 'that one chick', or 'its just a stage'. My mother has said 'I've never raised teenagers before'. I feel like telling her 'I've never been a teenager before' I've found this really pretty cuff that I've been wearing.

Now I've got to go because I'm suposed to be cleaning my room!
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

queenmaria · Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 12:33 am Post subject:

ok i'm going on vacation for the next 8 days. wow. dat is a vedy vedy long time. i am not going to bring any razors and i will only allow my self 2 safety pins. god, i never thought i'd have to say/write that. and i've decied to become a vegatarian.
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hey Maria, Hope you have a great time on your vacation

SO pleased you are not taking any razors with you, It is a positive thing for you to say that, How have you been feeling?
So you have decided to become a vegetarian, I did try for a while but I did become quite poorly so please make sure you have the right sort of foods and vitamins in order to make up for what you lack as you will not be eating meat. (sorry I know I'm nagging

)
Hope you are OK sweetie and look forward to hearing from you soon! xxx

queenmaria · Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:37 am Post subject:

The vacation didn't turn out. It was my dad brother and me. We went home early. I'm worried about my brother. He seems to be adicted to his computer. I went to dinner with my mom and her boyfriend. After she said something about all the marker ony hands, she said " I noticed not veins but red marks on *brothers* arms but I try to stay out of it" What did she mean? He is hardly ever got off the computer and hasn't done anything with his friends all summer. Not that theres anything to do, and I guess girls get together more and he doesn't skateboard. What if he scrapes his arms? I would use my fingernails to scratch myself.
How am I feeling? I dont know. I'm so confused. Sometimes I feel so horrible but then I'm jumping up and down and happy. I screamed at my dad in public. And I called him a horrible parent. I go in the oppisite direction everyone (including me) tells me to. I am cutting less and thinking about it a bit less. but when I do cut its really bad.
Why did I cut when my brother (possibly) didn't and we've been through the same thing? Well maybe not. I feel so distant to everyone. Like ' youre my friend and all but all I'm telling you is who my crush happens to be' And I'm feeling ven more away from my family. I feel all this pressure from my parents and adults who know me. Like thing they don't say but are kind of like " I wish you weren't you. Listen to Justin Timberlake and shop at <insert preppy jocky megachain> Be normal!" My dad is kind of saying stuff about my weight and wanting me to get a boyfriend. I know I'm not heavy, and my friends tell me I'm not. I don'twant a boyfriend. I rock climb.
I have no idea where I'm going with all this. I already talked about to my friends and all they said was "of course your not fat! and guys are jerks anyways. "

So yeah. And my mother too has been saying all that stuff about nutrition and stuff. So maybe I'll go on an all candy diet

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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Angels-quest · Site Admin Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 75 Location: UK

Hey Maria,

So sorry the vacation didn't turn out

Ok, about the weight, i imagine as your friends say you are not FAT, so i would just enjoy what food you like (mmm, candy sounds good...ok, maybe not everyday as your staple diet for the next 50 years, but the next 20 years should be ok!!!Ha) Everything in moderation as they say (you know, those boring grown ups..)
Boyfriends, well if you aint bothered, then who cares if people think you should have one.It's not like having a pet, you just have to go get one from the petshop...you will have plenty of time to date boyfriends, but when you want too! Hey, do you think there are such things as 'Boyfriend shops'?!!
This is your life,you have to live it, and make your own choices. Yes you have to respect as much as you can what your parents say, or rules they may have. But you too are your own person, sometimes you will screw up real bad, other times you will get by just great.Parents are no different, they screw up too.

Maybe you are scared inside of feeling the same pain you felt when your parents split up? So you are pushing people away,not letting anyone get real close, because if you let them in, then they could hurt you all over again??
Often people act that way for that same reason, and do not realise it..it's a subconcious thing, to protect yourself.

I cant say why you cut & your Brother doesn't. Again, we are all different.I have three sisters in all, and believe me apart from me & Kaytee, none of us are a bit alike, or act even similar.
Do you think your Brother does have a problem too?
If he is shutting himself away alot on his computer, it doesn't sound so good. maybe he is 'escaping' the pain, by losing himself in his computer. He could feel just as awful about the divorce as you do maybe? But boys just often deal with things differently than girls,because he is quite & appears 'OK', doesn't mean that he really is.
Can you speak to him? Maybe it might break down a whole lot of barriers if you were able to talk to each other, about how you feel. But I also understand at certain times of our lives, we hate our siblings & talking to them...well, we'd rather fling ourselves off a mountain than converse!!

What ideally would you like to Happen Maria...if you could make the future what you wanted it, what would make you happy?

I'm so glad you are not cutting as much, that is so great & shows how far you have come.Although it helps ease the pain at the time, it just creates a lot more pain because you have the marks to cover, and the frustration that no-one seems to take notice of you.

Well we take notice Maria.
Only you have the strength withing yourself to make one of your hardest decisions ever, to open up enough, to feel you no longer need to cut.Oneday, you will feel that. But we all need a little love & support along the way.

Now, go get that candy it's calling your name!

Hugs,
_________________
Many Hugs & Blessings,
Angels Quest

In Loving Memory of Dad 1945-2002. Nan 1919-2006..and all our furry Babies: Roxy, Suzy,Annie,Peach,Kimi,Cookie,Dudley,Spud,Alfie,Thomas,Chester,Milly,Molly,Harry,Wesley.Until we meet again.xxxx

queenmaria · Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 10:40 pm Post subject:

M brother and I talk about the divorce. And everything. Telling each other who likes who in school. We gang up (sorta) on my parents. Kind of back each other up. I'm closer to him than to my friends (Oh God if he read this. Ahh!) But I did see his arms and there wasn't anything. I almost feel protective of him since he's shorter than me.
My future... well What I would want to see is my parents stop fighting with each other and my brother and I. We move out of this town and Nevada, to somwhere green and wet. My mother gets a high paying job so she doesnt worry about money. My dad moves too, and I stay with him whenever I want. he doesnt worry about money either. For me, I get my ears pierced and a bass guitar ( I'm saving up for one, but some shoes are trying toget me to spend all my money on them). I make lots of friends and so does everybody. All that scares me because I'm afraid I'd screw it up.

Angels-quest comared me to a puppy. I think It's kind of more like my cat. He eats grass for no particular reason, maybe he likes it, even though once he's done he knows he'll throw up. I become angry and do something, rip something up, cut, at first for no reason but when I could stop, i wont because I , as my mom puts it, "thrive on conflict". And what with each of my parents claiming I have the other ones temper (and they themselves perfectally calm

)
Yes i am afraid that someone would leave, right after the divorce I would become friends with anyone, because I needed someone to be there. Theres still that person in me, just shes getting pushed over by someone whos afraid. I split mysef up like that , I guess, so I can have someone o blame. "I didn't cut, it was her."
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

queenmaria · Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 12:43 am Post subject:

hey im on vacation. for like 2 weeks. srry i kinda forgot to tell people (like my friends, only 3 of them new i was leaving)i'm having fun, but school starts 4 days after i come back

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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hey Maria, sorry for the delay, so how did the vacation go? you have a good time? hope so and hope you are well xxx

queenmaria · Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:46 am Post subject:

school starts tomorrow! AAHHH!!!

. ok. bu first to the good news. i havent cut for a really long time! like for over a month and this morning threw everything to do with cutting out. yay!!i'vr kinda ditched the emo thing, I wear brighter colors. i didn't feel like cutting when something bad happened. so thats cool. and i got awsome new shoes pants shirts and hair. I went over to my friends house, with most of my friends, a

wait g2g tel more later!
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

queenmaria · Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:02 am Post subject:

ok well yeah. first day of school went fine (for once). I think my friends have dropped the emo thing , is what i was saying when i had to go. Except for one

. And its getting real annoying. " pull your hair out of your face. you look depressed." "when are you going to start drawing on your pants like the oher people like you?". So I've been treating her like I would my mother (ok, i admit maybe i havent been the perfect daughter. not that I'd say this stuff to her, but its the same kind of response i give her when shes gting on my nerves) like by pulling my hair more over my face, or acting like i agree with her and dont relize shes making a point. well I have to go (again) itll take forever to write anything!
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

queenmaria · Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 2:33 am Post subject:

First week of school is over and i still havent cut. its freaking me out though. like there is nooooo way this is going to last. youll fall even farther this time. i almost cut, but stopped. and self harm hasnt really stopped. I've been snapping a hair tie against my wrist and not even relising it till i look down and see all the red or someone says 'doesnt that hurt'. I was so nervous that someone would see the scars, i put cover-up on my arms and have been wearing about five million bracelets. I made this really dumb thing, a bracelet out of pirate bandaids (long story of where theyre from) and told myself i cant break it, and if i have to cut I'd have to cut through it which i cant do becuse I said I couldnt let it break. Its stupid but I like it, so I was showing it to everyone (not saying what it meant) and lots of people liked it. I'm feeling like everything is going to fast and I'm about to fall down a really tall cliff. Like a little voice is saying 'who are you kidding? Its a false front! go back to who you were. always changing. You went from goth to emo to the short lasted punk and now to indie. No wonder you cant trust yourself with sharp objects'. But I tell it to leave me alone, its just the bitter other half of me thats mad at not getting its way.

I hope that makes sense!!
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

hi Maria, sorry for the late reply, It seems you have made some really positive steps the past few weeks and you should truly be proud of yourself.

I know it is hard, and it will take time, though you haven't cut for a while it is totally normal for the urges to still be there, its like quitting smoking the feelings for a cigarette do not disappear over night and like smoking this has become a part of your life something you depended on to feel better, but there has to be a time where we take a step back and want things to change. and you have taken that very big step already..it may not feel like it but the worst is over, you are being strong and I know you will get through this.

The trick is though it may feel impossible, to try not think about how long it has been and expect a fall, try to tell yourself you will win, you will not let the voice in your head beat you, you can do it you are stronger then you think.

Stick with the bracelets theres nothing wrong with wearing them if it makes you feel better, same as the hair tie it will not hurt you maybe make your skin a little red but dont be hard on yourself take one day at a time.

You feel you can see the cliff edge looming but pull yourself away from it, make your way back, we all change from day to day it is nothing to be ashamed of, if we always stayed the same life would be very boring.

Try to smile for me and remember we are always here whenever you need us, you can do it, just have faith and patience in yourself you have come so far and I know you will make it through the other side.

Take care hun xxx

PS, the bracelet you made sounds cool I want one! xx

queenmaria · Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:03 am Post subject:

School is scary! Rumor of a boy is seventh grade Pe being made to take off a wristband to tie up his hair and then refusing. when he finnally did he was sent to the office when the teacher saw cuts got me nervous. Luckily weve been alowed to stay in normal clothes for Pe since the school is new and the gym is finished. Its getting colder so my long sleeves arent to abnormal. The scariest is science (not just because of all the notes we take!) because when we do labs you have to takeoff your jacket and push up your sleeves. n this stupid thingwe do at the begining of the day you focus on some thing. This week was control. So of corse the teacher brings up "I've heard that some people acually hurt themselves to have control" big laugh from class. I've come so close to cutting plenty of times. And I'm kind getting mad at my friends more. Some of them are trying to get me to be more like them. One of them is saying I'll look back on me and laugh in 10 years. But I did tell some one! One of my new friends, was at a coffee shop drinking my pure exspresso shot (yummy!) and just old her "I used to cut" she said " so you stopped?" I told her yeah and we havent mentioned it again.
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

hey maria, sorry to hear about the boy in P.E I wonder if it is true or nothing more then a rumor if it is true I feel sorry for the poor boy but maybe it is helpful in a way helping you to be aware and prepared though I do not think you have anything to be ashamed of with the cuts angel, And it also makes you realise there is probably lots of other people going through this

You say you have come close to cutting but you havent, you should be so proud, as I said before the urges will still be there but will fade with time as you become stronger and stronger as each time you fight it, I am so happy to hear how this has been going but dont be hard on yourself take one day at a time.

As for your friends wanting you to be more like them, NO NO you are you and you should be proud, they are probably jealous as they are all the same and it is so good to be different. (Id rather dress and be more like you any day! If my figure would let me DAMMIT)

I am glad you told someone, though you both never mentioned it again maybe it was as she wasn't quite sure what to say and was waiting for you to make the first move, maybe she is afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you but you did a big thing telling her a Brave thing and I am sure you can turn to her now if you need to.

Well im going to go and make a coffee...Hope I have helped a little, I do try but remember we are always here for you xxx

queenmaria · Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:01 pm Post subject:

I burnt myself. My dad and I got in a big fight. Kind of this power struggle thing. We both refuse to give in. We fight about the stupidest things ("you slammed the door!" "No i didnt!" "The sky is blue! "No its not!"). Well I took out the matches that I'm not supposed to have (The pyro in me likes to make apperances and light stuff on fire). It was just my finger, but now I cant play my viola

. I said i accidentally picked up my straightening iron by the hot part. Which is very believable, I'm a klutz who touces the stive to see if its on. The girl I was talking about ,I'm hsnging out with more. All three groups of my friends are mad at ech other and mad at me for hanging out with the other. So I'm hnging out with my friend.. hmm I'll call her Jessica... and some guys at the skate park.
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Oh Maria you poor angel

so sorry to hear you are having a rough time, I am pleased you felt you could come on here and talk about what you did and that is a positive thing, by doing so you cant play your viola I think thats fates way, know it sounds weird but by not being able to do that did you think DAMMIT Im not gonna do that again?
I hope thats what you feel and don't be hard on yourself when things got real tough you didnt do what you would have a few weeks or more back and to me thats a good thing, not a good thing you burnt yourself but do you see what I am trying to say?

I hope you will be OK hun, its good you are hanging out with your friends, have lots of fun wish I had some to do that with!

Stay strong and remember im here for you xxx
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Thank you for joining us. Please remember we are not doctors or trained in anyway, but we are here as we want to help. We do not judge and we are here for you anytime.

queenmaria · Posted: Sat Nov 03, 2007 1:42 am Post subject:

Sorry I haven't been in for a while. I haven't cut yet still! i wanted to and tried to, but didnt. I still try to hit myself or bite myself, but using rzors is out. I want to cut when my parents get mad at me. its makes me feel like bad daughter. If i'm in trouble about grades or being out to late or jst in trouble, it makes me think that they wish they had a normal daughter (read:preppy).

good news though. I've found times when I don't want to cut or anything. Still afraid of PE. I've kept on using coverup on major scars. I'm trying to aviod the friends who still belive it is funny to make fun of my clothes and stuff. I feel way better without them. Accually hanging out with people who like the same stuff as me is a lot funner than talking about what we did in third period.

So I'm keeping

Oh crap G2G
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Hey Maria, so great to hear from you and so pleased you are doing so well, try to stay strong you are being very positive and that is a really good thing.
I think you have done so well and you should be proud as I know it must be very hard for you especially when you are going through tough times.
Always here for you xx
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Thank you for joining us. Please remember we are not doctors or trained in anyway, but we are here as we want to help. We do not judge and we are here for you anytime.

queenmaria · Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 7:54 pm Post subject:

Well I've been doing really good. But Now I started doing something else. I've been pushing myself to hard. Like running till I puke or doing pushups or situps till I can't anymore. I tell myself its exercise and thats good, but i don't think its normal. I'm also not taking medications like asprin and stuff. So I can keep the headache. I don't think its healthy.
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I know its sad I never gave a damn about the weather, it never gave a damn about me.

Kaytee576 · Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 256 Location: UK

Oh Maria, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, I am so glad you came to talk to us.
You are right to realise that what you are doing isn't good for you,
You have done SO well to stop harming yourself with the cutting, Sadly somehow in giving that up you have found another way to punish and cause yourself harm, I am no expert but I would say this is something many others have done and a normal reaction, it is just such a shame but NOT YOUR FAULT.

I think this more so when I read that you do not take medications so you can keep the headache and keep the pain, I feel the pain acts as a relief for you, whether you realise it or not you blame yourself for the past and whether it is in your conscious mind or subconscious the physical pain helps you to deal with the pain inside. I wish there was some way I could wash away all the bad times from inside your mind and make you see nothing that happened was your fault, Of course I wasn't there but this is how I feel from what you have told us in the past.

I may be talking rubbish as always

and I am only going by my own opinion.
You are probably suffering the headaches from pushing yourself too far, past your bodies limit.
Running till you are sick is NOT a good sign hun, your body is trying to tell you to slow down, do you sometimes feel dizzy too? faint? Are you eating?

Sorry to ask so many questions, As you said exercise is good but in moderation, you need to know your limits and push yourself to stop instead of to keep going. As hard as it all is I know you can do it, you have got through so much and you are stronger then you think.

Please let us know how you are if you want to I am always here for you.

Sending a hug your way xxx

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Thank you for joining us. Please remember we are not doctors or trained in anyway, but we are here as we want to help. We do not judge and we are here for you anytime.