A PROBLEM SHARED...

Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: Pretoria

I am fifteen years-old and is presently living, along with my thirteen-year-old sister, with our mother. Our parents got divorced about a year ago, and I can sense that our mother is lonely.
A seventeen year-old cousin of ours, our mother's sister's son, has always been a regular visitor to our home, and still is up to this day. During his visits, he used to spend most, if not all of his time, with my sister and I.
For the past six months or so, his visits seem to be more towards our mother than us, which has led my sister and I to believe that our mother and cousin might be having an affair.
Our mother's whole outlook on life has changed and she seems so much more happy since her divorce. We've noticed subtle changes in her, like dressing up when our cousin comes to visit, or rather more like undressing. Her dresses have become shorter, the blouses more revealing, and it seem as if she has stopped wearing underwear.
To me, all of this was very concerting, and I hoped that it would all just be a passing phase. But it doesn't seem as if things are going to change very shortly.
Our mother, who was always a very slim and athletic person, seem to be putting on weight, which has led my sister and I to suspect that she might be expecting a baby. If this is so, then our cousin is the father of our mother's child.
What should we do? Should we approach our mother about our concerns? And what about the baby? Won't it be deformed? Please help us. What if she wants our cousin to move in with her?

Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 261 Location: UK

hey hun, nice to meet you and thank you for finding the confidence to come and speak to us, we are always here for you and always do our best to help.

I am sorry to see how this situation is concerning you but in someways it could be totally innocent and you could be looking at this in the wrong light, I am not saying you are wrong in what you feel but I will share my views with you, remember this is only my opinion and I hope somehow it helps.

I do not know the story but your mum and you both have been through a really tough time, divorce is not easy and I know it must have been very difficult and life changing for you.
I do not know how your mum and dad were together but maybe now your mum is single again she feels she can really let her hair down, in a way it is kind of a way of feeling free, maybe your dad didnt like her to dress younger and maybe now she can let loose dressing a little younger maybe makes her feel better and more confident.
It could just be that your cousin cares and is being there to support her in anyway he can and that is why he is over to see her more then you?

As for the weight this could be down to emotional, your mum was maybe feeling down for a bit and let herself go a little? this maybe why her shape has changed?

Is there a chance you could speak to her? obviously not come out with what your suspicions are just maybe let her know you are concerned for her and that you notice a real change in her since the break up and you want her to know you are there for her.
See how things go, is there anything else that makes you feel your instincts are right?
It is hard but your mum is living her life and you cannot make decisions for her, (though at times you wish you could) If it turns out that she is seeing your cousin the truth will out at some point and you will get to speak to her then.

Try to be strong, I am sorry if I am of little help. If you do not mind me asking where did you find out about a problem shared? I hope you will return to us and share whenever you need to.
Take care xxx

Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: Pretoria

Hi Kaytee,
Thank you for replying to my post.
The past month has been the most difficult for me. I have tried to be strong, but has been unable to. My sister and I have finally summoned up enough courage to approach our mother about our concerns.
Our mother has finally admitted to being pregnant, but when asked if our cousin was the father, she just laughed it off. The baby is due September. Can you imagine how it is tearing me apart knowing my mother is having sexual intercourse with my cousin, a boy my age? Can you imagine a baby with a seventeen-year-old father and thirty-one-year-old mother? Will I be the baby's sister, or the baby's aunt? What if our cousin were to move in with our mother? I need help!
On Friday our mother informed us that she would be going away with a friend for this long weekend and that we would have to spend the weekend with our grandmother. On Saturday our aunt (our cousin's mother) came to visit her mother, and it was then that we learnt our cousin had gone off for the weekend as well.
My sister and I immediately became suspicious. Later on we asked a friend to drive us to our house and noticed that our mother's car was in the driveway. We were too afraid to go into the house, thinking our mother and cousin might be having sex and returned to our grandmother's.
My sister and I are now thinking of approaching our aunt and enlisting her help in gettting to the bottom of this.
My sister and I am so ashamed of our mother. What will other people say when they find out about this? Can you imagine the endless teasing? What about the poor baby? I feel so sorry for it. Won't we be placed into social care if the authorities were to become involved?

Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 261 Location: UK

Hey lieslx, I am so sorry for the late reply.
OH MY im am so sorry to also hear all you are going through right now, it sounds like such a world of confusion and I wish there was something I could say to make things ok for you.
It is hard for me not knowing the full story but I can imagine what you are going through.

Has anything happened since your last post? I am not sure of the legal things when this sort of thing happens, I am in the UK so know a bit about how things work but its hard as you live somewhere else, I am happy to look up all I can and be here to help even if its just so you have someone to talk to I WILL BE HERE.
xxx

Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: Pretoria

Hi Kaytee,
Our mother seem to have lost all sanity. She has finally confessed to the rest of our family that she is expecting our cousins baby.
When the family learnt this, all immediately distanced themselves from our mother. Our poor aunt was in such a state when she learnt her son is the father of the baby, that she has asked him to leave home.
It is almost as if our mother and cousin were waiting for exactly this to happen, and it wasn't long before our mother took him in.
In the beginning he was supposed to sleep in the family room, but at night we could hear him making his way to our mother's bedroom where they indulged in their sinful behaviour. It was not long before the two of them dropped all pretences, and instead of pretending to go to different rooms, they just started sleeping together. It would seem as if he has now moved in permanently with our mother.
It fills me with disgust now knowing, no longer suspecting, but knowing that our mother is having sexual intercourse with our cousin. Our grandmother has asked my sister to move in with her. We are seriously considering this. We hope to hear from our father shortly. He may have some answers.
Kind regards.
Liesl

Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 261 Location: UK

Hi liesl. I am so sorry to hear all you are still going through, I cannot imagine how hard this is for you but I send you lots of strength.
It seems now this is all out in the open and I am sorry to hear about your family distancing themselves, they find this hard to deal with and to understand but I am sure in time they will come round, your mother has made her choice has to learn from her own actions but I hope you find the support you need to get you through this.
It maybe a good idea to stay at your grandmothers, maybe until you have had time to give yourself a break and get your head around all of this and the changes

Did you hear from your father in the end? am thinking of you and wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, we are ALWAYS here whenever you need to talk xxx

Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: Pretoria

Hi Kaytee,
Just having someone to talk to is already a great help. Thanks for being so understanding. Your replies are greatly appreciated.
We haven't heard from our father as yet. I'll let you know how this mess untangles. My mother should give birth in about three months time.
All the best.
Liesl

Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: Pretoria

Hi Kaytee,
Our mother and cousin have been living as a couple for just over two months now, and I have to say that after all this time, both my sister and I have become accustomed to having our cousin around.
It is still weird though, knowing that someone your age is having sex with your mother. But I must say, I am surprised by how well the two of them are getting along.
Their baby is due in just over a month's time, and my sister and I are strangely looking forward to the arrival of the baby. Our mother has been for some special tests to check on the baby's health, and has been given the all clear. They have already decided on a name for their new baby - Shonice.
Our grandmother has visited us on a couple of occassions, and seems resigned to the fact that our mother and cousin are living together. She has asked them though, not to have any more babies.
I think that request has fallen on deaf ears though - she'll have a heart attack if she finds out how active the two of them really are.

Site Admin Joined: 08 Apr 2007 Posts: 261 Location: UK

HI lieslx,
I was wondering how you are? I really hope everything is ok? I guess the new baby could be here now and I Wish you lots of luck and wanted you to know we are always here for you.
take care Kaytee576 xxx

Joined: 30 Mar 2008 Posts: 6 Location: Pretoria

Hi Kaytee,
You'll never know how excited I am. My mother gave birth on 1 Septmber 2008. And the baby! You should see how cute she is. I no longer care about my mother being involved with my cousin. I am just so happy. I'll write you later to tell you how things are going.
Best.
Liesl